My brain has a language
My heart has a language
But I am without one
The linguistic seed that was sown
A long ago has not yet grown.
I watch the sun's Rays
Falling over the shining bays
I can feel but no I can't describe
I am without a language.
People say I am a stone
– I don't have feelings, they say
I have them but well as you know
I am without a language.
I have pondered
I squandered my thoughts
But believe, I didn't understand them.
I don't understand their languages for
I am without a language.
My heart cries, I can hear it
The sound increasing with every beat
But oh! I am still lonely
I am without a language.
How do you describe things?
You definitely have a language
What is it? Can you tell me?
Then maybe I will borrow it for
I am without a language.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi there Forever! I'm back for your second prize review from the RevMo Banner Contest this year :D
I'm going to be comparing this poem and What do tears cost? a fair bit over the course of this review, since you specifically requested that I review your newest and older poems to see how you've developed as a poet. I do not at all mean to come across like I'm being super critical of your older poetry; you started out with already lovely poems, and you've just gotten even better at writing! So if it comes across as me making it sound like your older poem was bad at any point in the review, please know that is not my intention at all <3
I find it super interesting to see the differences between them - right away I can see that you're making use of several new poetic elements that weren't in your first poem, especially stanzas and repetition. In What do tears cost?, I would say there isn't a ton of organization in the format or even just how the ideas within the poem are arranged. In this poem, though, there is a clear "point" or new image introduced within each stanza, which gives the poem a lot more direction and momentum. The repetition of "I am without a language" also really pulls the poem together - it acts a bit like some glue that ground the whole thing. This is especially important since unlike in What do tears cost?, the family of imagery isn't all just one thing (ie water images).
I also think your imagery has become more complex; instead of simply using descriptive verbs/nouns, like you did for the most part in What do tears cost?, you actually paint entire images here. For example, in the first stanza you start with the image of a seed being sown and grown. In the next stanza, you describe rays of sunlight on water, and then in the third stanza you the narrator as being like a stone. You even make use of some lovely personification in the second to last stanza, describing the narrator's heart as "crying" and growing louder as time passes.
One thing that I did notice in both poems is the use of conversational phrases and sentence structure in some places. For example, here:
& here:
The narrator uses fairly informal language that is directed at the person reading the poem. I think this is a nice way of keeping the poem relatable and engaging for the reader!
A few thoughts specifically on this poem
I love the irony of writing a poem about not having a "language"! It indicates that even if the narrator has difficulty expressing themself in conversation with other people, they're still able to convey their thoughts in poetry, which is a really lovely thing and definitely something I can relate to!
Moreover, I find it interesting how the poem is written in first person but also addressed to someone in second person. Typically poems are just written using "I/me" or "you", but here you actually use both. I think it fits the theme of the poem quite well, which is that the narrator is trying to express their thoughts to someone (potentially the "you" being addressed in this poem).
There are just a couple of places in the poem where I think the flow could be improved by adding a bit of punctuation -> "I can feel but no I can't describe" I would add two commas: "I can feel, but no, I can't describe" & "I have them but well as you know" I would also add two commas: "I have them, but, well as you know". Now punctuation is totally a stylistic choice, so up to you how you decide to use it! But since you use fairly conventional/"proper" punctuation elsewhere in the poem, I thought I'd point out these two spots where it might make sense to add some!
Overall, I very much enjoyed reading, reviewing, and comparing both of your poems! It's so lovely to see your development as a poet. I found your use of imagery, repetition, and tone to be very effective in this poem. There are just a couple places where I'd personally suggest some punctuation, but otherwise, I don't have any major critiques! I hope this review proves of use to you, and as always, if you have any questions or thoughts about stuff I brought up I'm always glad to chat about it. And a big congrats on winning the RevMo Banner Contest this year! You made a really fabulous banner <3
Keep writing!
-Seirre
Hey Seirre!! I really enjoyed reading your review!
I liked how you interpreted my poem and also hoe you pointed out things I didn't notice. I totally agree with the punctuation changes. They do increase the flow.
I don't understand how I unintentionally incorporate poetic devices in my poetry. That addressing to someone was unintentional tooHi Forever,
Mailice here with a short review!
Don't worry, I haven't forgotten you and I'll get into the poems a bit here. I'll just structure my review a little differently than usual and comment more on possible interpretations and the general flow. Since I have no idea about poem structures, that will be left out. Let's start right away:
You are already starting with a very good contrast, which I welcome. You have created a good juxtaposition between rationality and intuition, and in doing so you also begin to show that the narrator himself lies between these two scales and does not know directly where things are going. For me, it means more that the narrator expresses that he has reached a point in life where the character no longer knows how to express themselves.
Here I liked the presentation, and how you manage to create flow with the rhymes themselves. I also like your attempt to include an example here and that it effectively shows again what you wanted to express with the beginning.
I find the passage here a bit choppy, probably because of this short break you get. But I think it will also be difficult to formulate it a little differently.
I had the impression here that the narrator had lapsed into a phase of self-pity, and was thus subconsciously trying to portray the problem. This makes me doubt how to interpret the whole thing, but also gives your poem a good mix.
Here, too, it seems as if we are at a crossroads, where one sits between self-pity and real lack of understanding. I think you do a really good job of portraying that here.
I am going further down the dark path here and assume that not only the subconscious side will be heard, but also the silent side of people. At the beginning I thought it seemed a bit contradictory, but that soon changed after reading it several times. I also found that the tone generally became a bit more cheerful again although there is nothing to be cheerful about.
The end sounds somehow melancholic and romantic. On the one hand you describe that you are free in a way and don't know how it will go on, on the other hand it seems as if you are oppressed and can't defend yourself. (So the narrator). I thought it was a great poem in terms of format and I think it's nice to have multiple interpretations.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Thank you for the review
Hiya Forever!
My first impression of this poem is that it conveys a sense of difficulty, of struggle. I get the sense that the speaker keeps trying to communicate something of themselves to others but finds it difficult to articulate what they mean to say.
The poem is filled with repetition, which made me imagine someone’s recurring thoughts about the same problem they’ve had lifelong. It feels like they are ruminating over it.
The idea of each thought having its own separate language here caught my eye. I thought it was really interesting, and I think it highlights the speaker’s difficulties, as needing to know that many languages to understand one’s own thoughts would be really hard.
Imagery
The main ideas I get from the imagery are irony and contrast. Irony, because of the personifications of the speaker’s “brain” and “heart”, yet the speaker themselves doesn’t have a language. I also see some irony in:
This is a sublime image, yet the speaker seems only able to express it inwardly, not outwardly. I’d gather that “Rays” might be capitalised to suggest the brightness of the sun or maybe how the scene moves the speaker internally, but I’m unsure about that.
There also seems to be contrasts between animate imagery (“seed”, “rays/ falling”) and inanimate imagery (“stone”), which suggests the differences between what the speaker observes of themselves and what others see of them.
I wondered if this personification is linked to the first one, like the heart being able to cry because it has a language, or if it is a separate expression altogether.
Rhythm and Sound
As mentioned earlier, the rhythm of the piece at first feels very thought-like and contemplative. It becomes more emotional and poignant, maybe even a bit desperate in the last two stanzas, especially with the phrase “But oh!” and the exclamation created.
There’s a few rhymes here and there, though a majority of the poem is unrhymed, at least at the end of lines. I thought that didn’t detract from the rhythm of the poem, which I mostly felt through the repetition of words and phrases like “language” and the use of “I”.
I liked the rhyme between “pondered” and “squandered” here! I thought it helped connect the first and second lines rhythmically.
Is there meant to be a pause somewhere in this line when it is read aloud? I find it hard to imagine there not being a pause, but the punctuation doesn’t really guide me as to where the pause should be. Would it be before ‘but’, so [I have them] [PAUSE] [but well as you know], or would the pause come after well [I have them but well][PAUSE][as you know]?
The repetition of the refrain “I am without a language” was effective in my opinion. I like that it’s so naturally integrated in that I didn’t notice it was repeated at the last line of each stanza (excluding the first stanza) initially.
That’s all
Hopefully you found some of these comments helpful, and feel free to ask me anything about what I’ve said in this review.
Keep writing!
-Lim
Hey Lim! Thanks a lot for the review.
You managed to find it some imagery which I didn't even know existed when the wrote the poem XD
Hey there Forever! I think this was the poem you used for the spoken word event? I remember really enjoying that one, and thought your reading added just so much emotion to it too. So I'm here for a quick review.
Interpretation
I interpreted this poem to be about someone who feels they can't quite fully express themselves for some undisclosed reason - it's interesting in this case that the reason is ambiguous because it gives the reader a bit of an "unknown" just like the speaker of the poem has. Perhaps they are in a setting where no one speaks their household or first-known language and are struggling to find words because they feel transplanted - that's not an experience I can relate to, but I imagine would resonate with a lot of people who have moved or been put in a different culture where they feel they are lacking in some way or can't express the fullness of their self. There's a lot of sadness and searching in the poem throughout and the repetition of that final line in each stanza "I am without a language" I think amplifies the sadness every time it's repeated.
Formatting
Something got a little off with that first stanza if you click shift & enter when you add a new line it will stay in place rather than adding such a big line break, but no problem! I liked that each stanza was fairly consistent in length, this keeps the poem looking clean and polished and also makes the flow sound better I believe. Well done, the poem looks like you spent a lot of time making it neat and well-edited.
I especially liked in the end when the speaker directly address the reader saying " what is it? "can you" because that challenges the reader to come up with an answer or word and puts them in the same predicament as the speaker in a way / putting them on the spot and I think really gives more emotion to the piece. If you can find another place to address the speaker in the first half of the poem, I think it's a great technique to use!
Specific Thoughts
I like how in stanza 1, 2, 3 and 5 you use metaphors to describe the speaker's experience however, in stanza 4 I had a hard time understanding what that added to the poem - or what it was really referring to - perhaps you could be a bit more specific in that section. I think one of the most clever points of the poem are these two lines,
there is something very intriguing about that metaphor and I just love considering it - also liked the light rhyming there. I think using a little more of this plant metaphor throughout the poem would bring it to the next level - especially because it's such a strong one. Or even bringing up this tree / seed / growth concept in the ending stanza would help bring the poem full-circle.
Overall I really enjoyed reading and hearing this, and look forward to reading more of your work. Keep writing and poeting !
Happy Review Month to you!
~A
Hey Alliyah! Thanks for the review. I re-formatted the poem. Thanks for letting me know how to do it. I will edit the poem and try to use that metaphor throughout it.
About the interpretation, hm... The reason still lies unknown to me XD
Anyway, thanks for the review
You're Welcome, thanks for sharing!
Hey!!! Spunky here to do my first review after a loooooong time!
Grows
The last two lines rhyme, when basically the rest of the poem doesn't. its just a bit odd, and doesn't flow as well when there isn't consistent rhyming.
first, was the "Rays" meant to be capitalized? And secondly, the last line quoted reads oddly. "I can feel but no I can't describe." it would flow better if you removed the "no"
Saying "definitely" seems like poor word choice. I think this line would read better if you just removed it altogether.
Glows
i really love this line! it shows how people can look down upon others as less human than themselves.
Overall
This is a very nice poem, it just needs a little polishing. I love the imagery you have at the beginning. Keep writing! <3
~Spunky~
Hey Spunky!! Thanks for the review! Yea, those parts feel a bit odd. I will remove those
Recognized.
Good morning, afternoon, evening, night, or whatever applies to you in your respective time zone. Anyway, onto the review. I really enjoyed reading this poem! I loved how your poem could be interpreted in different ways. My personal interpretation of your poem was how the narrator knowers how to speak, and has an actual language, but they cannot seem to express themselves, and they feel like no one knows what they are going through.
I think this was my favorite part of your poem. It was beautiful, with wonderfully vivid imagery. I love how it describes a beautiful sunset over a lake, and the precedes to claim they cannot express themselves. The only critiques I have are grammatical errors.
I think you accidentally capitalized the word “Rays”. Also, the words “Rays”, and “bays” rhyme, which isn’t a problem in of itself, but the rest of the poem doesn’t follow a rhyme scheme, and it leads the reader on, making them look for more rhyme schemes, confusing them when there isn’t anymore rhymes, and drawing attention away from the content of the actual poem.
This is just me being nit picky, so please feel free to ignore this part, but these two lines are repetitive. And sometimes in poems, repetition is necessary, but in this case, it’s a little jarring. Nothing else repeats, and so it’s a little odd. But again, this is just me nit picking. Other then the grammatical errors, your poem was really great, and I hope to see more of your work around soon! Stay safe, and keep writing!
-Lizzy
Hey Lizzy! Thanks for the review. That ray was not meant to be capitalized. Guess my keyboard is the devil behind this. And about the other line, that was intentional to emphasize the thing.
I%u2019m glad I could help!