A child stopped dead near the river
She had been shaking with feverish shiver
This was only a glimpse of her
Sufferings that range quite far.
She had come running towards the devil
Which had no task but to reveal
How it had digested them as food
Who, to her, were the only good
The nature was no more growling
But there were many who were still howling.
For the catastrophe had taken
The life who left the world shaken
They were nowhere to be found
But their memories had found a strong ground
In that little girl's brain
Who now was mindlessly gazing towards a swooping crane
Her parents were mere fishermen
Who had their last life in utmost pain
She though to take the sand which she considered crown
But too late; One passer-by saw a silhouette dying down.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi Forever,
Mailice back with another review!
Let's pick up where we left off in the last review and jump right in:
In contrast to the previous poem, one immediately notices the much more sombre tone here. You manage to convey this well, especially because you start rhyming right from the opening line and begin a tragic backstory.
Your first line here sounds so tragic, as if she has been mistreated and she is only a fragment of what she once was. Physically, she must look terrible. Your continuation already sounds much different, instead of completing the tragedy, you turn to drama and develop another form of backstory that shows the girl's naivety.
Here I was a little confused at the beginning, but I think you are going more in one direction of disaster than a human factor involved in this death.
Here you spread out the action further. A good point to show how meaningful and loved the girl was. I like this contrast where you go from big and outside to small and inside, as if it's a change of perspective.
This is such a satisfying ending you have created here. It leaves a strong impression and I feel like I'm floating between several possibilities.
I was very divided in parts about how the poem developed and how it was shaped. Your rhymes are very good and seem fluid and not mechanical. That's a big plus to be able to use it to tell a story like this.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Thank you for the review
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed this piece has been in the green room for a bit, so I thought I'd bump it out!
This was quite a chilling poem! I think the rhyming lines really helped sell the whole spooky vibe to it. To me, it seems like this girl is letting the river claim her in death like it might've claimed her parents? I think the narrative is very melancholic but also beautiful and chilling. Even though it's very hot out where I am, I shivered while reading it.
One thing I really enjoyed was the narrative you presented in this. I think it was just understated enough to build a bit of mystery around it and also to allow readers to make their own interpretations. The ending is also delightfully ambiguous. I love how you switched perspectives to a passerby to kind of show the fate of the girl through another lens. It was really powerful, I think. The "too late" also got me too. There are certain phrases that carry such a weight to them and "too late" is one of them. I think you executed it really nicely. Good job!
One thing I wondered about was your cadence with the rhythm and rhyme. I think it improved towards the end, but at the beginning of the poem, it was slightly inconsistent. You use some slant rhymes, and I feel like those generally work better in songs, not in poems. The lines that I'm thinking about specifically are "This was only a glimpse of her/Sufferings that range quite far/She had come running towards the devil/Which had no task but to reveal." Those both end in slant rhymes, and the syllables are also off a bit. Rhyming poems are harder than they appear, and I'd recommend reading your poem out loud just to make sure it flows nicely.
Overall: nice work! I think that this poem was really nicely crafted and had a very ambiguous yet chilling narrative. Keep up the great work, and I hope to read more of your poetry soon! Until next time!
Hey Plume! Thanks for the review!!!Glad that you liked it and I will think of how to change that portion to a better one with relatively equal number of syllables. Again, thanks for the review!
Oh this was cool!
It was a little creepy and just super good!
(Sorry im not that good at critical reveiwing) but ummm
I liked how you portray things!
Hey Forever! Incoming review!
I can feel the distress in her parent and the last line is beautiful. Silhouettes can be used in a multitude of things to add dimension. From this poem it feels like the chalk outline you'd see from a murder scene in television. Or something like Peter Pan's shadow, moving and having a life on it's own. It's just the mood that I have a real affinity for. I can't even describe what it makes me feel!I like this more spooky poem. It's different from what I usually expect going into a horror/realistic poem.
The whole atmosphere is like the build up of dramatic music for a jump scare to come. It's theme is likened to a Twilight Zone episode, uneasy but enjoyable. My favourite lines are
But now I have some critiques. Starting with this line It is a lot shorter than all the other lines and throws things off. You could add to it like, "In that little girl's stiff broken brain," or something of the sort.
Another thing I would like to point out is the little girl herself. Why is she running to the devil? Was there more going on in her life? Because from the reactions from the people around her, I don't get much information. And this line Makes it seem like the little girl was someone of importance but her parents were mere fishermen as you stated. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish there was a more cohesive story more than sentences that are supposed to relate.
But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! Your use of mood is fantastic and it called for a more dramatic story! Keep on writing, you're pretty good at it! Anyway byeeeeeeee<333
Title suggestion for the piece: The Riverbed of the Dead
Hey! Thanks a lot for this suggestion! I changed it.
Please suggest me a better title.