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Young Writers Society


12+

See more than what your eyes let you

by ForeverYoung299



Author's note: Would very much appreciate if anyone can suggest title(s) for the poem.


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Wed Mar 23, 2022 2:30 pm
NewHope wrote a review...



Hi there, Forever

Lehmanf here with a short review. I hope it finds you well.

First Impressions

This is a really nice poem, I like the rhyme scheme. The sound of the English in the third line and really this poem is fantastic as it is.

Author's Note

As mentioned by others there is no need to change the title. Of all the titles I've seen recently this is the one that has most caught my attention and caused me to think.

Interpration

The first stanza is very interesting. I find it reminds me of someone telling you about the tale of a hero, having your hope and half on your feet cheering their name before you hear their dark secrets. The people they killed, without remorse because like Albert Einstein said in his definition of insanity, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Now that we have this wondering and almost anger for this glorified man or "hero" I see you continue to tell us about this tower, build up a sense of suspense and that he was loved, of course, they didn't know about the process it might have taken to build this monument. The capital H leaves me with a slight question. Is this about God or about someone who thinks they're a god?

When you say monument you usually refer to a large stone structure like an obelisk or pyramid, not wood unless in ancient times when the people who glorified him would probably have been a few less than millions. Maybe you can replace it with "shifting sandstone blocks in great tiers". Then again that is just me and my nitpicking.

I like the first two lines a lot, very thought-provoking. I know one of the teachers at schools is crazy over metaphors with stars. I find the last line in the stanza to be a little weak but again with my nitpicking.

Again with my questions, is this God or "god"? And when would you place this time period? These lines almost sound contradictory if you place them in the wrong period.

Overall

This was an excellent poem that I really liked. I had my own problems that even I wouldn't think about till someone pointed so those don't really matter. I really like every stanza and thought they flowed really well together.

Have a fantastic day
Lehmanf




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Mon Mar 21, 2022 4:14 pm
vampricone6783 says...



I don’t think it needs a different title,I like the one it has now.As for the poem,I really liked it because it talks about how leaders will always get the praise,but the people actually doing the work get nothing.It can be still be said for today.I hope you have a cool and awesome day and night.




ForeverYoung299 says...


Glad that you liked my poem!



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Sat Mar 19, 2022 6:49 pm
Quillfeather wrote a review...



Hey ForeverYoung299! Trinity here for a short review!

First off, I really loved your poem! I like the way the rhyming scheme flows. And the structure makes it a really interesting poem to read!

So to your Author's note: I Loved the title that it has right now! It really drew me in and has a good sound to it! So I wouldn't worry too much about finding a new one. I guess if you wanted a shorter one that could be done. But this one was super good!

Interpertations So at first it seems we see someone that is a hero

He built the monument, people said
He made a way for people to be fed
But his fame is coming at the cost of others
On sizzleing summer days, under the sun
The workers did hammer and run.
Sometimes they became the nails to be hammered
But his fame kept increasing

So I assume that this poem is about the imbalance and injustice of power and how a lot of people are blind to that.

Things that could be changed

There's not much here and most of them are just small nit-picks. And not things you by any means have to use!

So I did see one tiny grammatical error. When you said
On sizzleing summer days
I think sizzleing should be sizzling. But that's not a problem :)

And one other thing I thought that was just a bit confusing was when you said
Sometimes they became the nails to be hammered

It might make more sense to say "The often became like the hammered nails" Or something like that. I find the "like the nails to be hammered" a bit confusing. But that's just my opinion.

Great job with this poem!

Keep writing!

-Trinity




ForeverYoung299 says...


Thank you for your review, Trinity!

You're already 6 reviews towards your goal! You can do it!



Quillfeather says...


Thank you so much!<3333333



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Sat Mar 19, 2022 4:48 pm
BeingRivy wrote a review...



Hi there, it’s @BeingRivy. I like this poem, this poem reminds me of a statue.
“...The workers did hammer and run./ Sometimes they became the nails to be hammered/ But his fame kept on increasing.”
Being shaped and made into a man or something like that. I think this poem is also very good. One reason is because of the fact it reminds me of a person who is like a president, or someone super superior, with people (engineers and builders) who make the statue, and the people who don’t know him will see this statue and know it “written in blood.”
I like the political hints used in this poem, and i can’t tell if there are mistakes in there, because I’m not good at analyzing mistakes, redundancies, spelling, and grammar and stuff like that. But this poem is super good.
Good luck and do your best to write more poems/stories in the future.
From, @BeingRivy .




ForeverYoung299 says...


Thank you for your review!!




"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
— Paul Brandt