The wind; be it slow or fast
Make us forget our past
Just as the music does.
The leaves like bells
The grasshoppers like fiddlers
The wind like a thousand whispers.
The rough leaves rustled
And the birds sung
As the leaves played the drum
The sun their spotlight
The clouds their currtain,
The meadow their stage.
The music nature plays
Thrills me
It's the best of all.
It is pure,
It is kind,
But most of all,
It is love.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
I like the rhyme in the first two lines,
keep it up!
"The wind; be it slow or fast
Make us forget our past"
I like the use of a variety of metaphors, such as using meadows as a 'stage'-one inconsistency i see is where you had two different uses of wind in the story, but other than that, its very smooth and 'natural'.
It's harder to have good rhymes in a poem than you think, but you pulled it off quite well.
Overall, a 9/10
I like the rhyme in the first two lines,
keep it up!
"The wind; be it slow or fast
Make us forget our past"
I like the use of a variety of metaphors, such as using meadows as a 'stage'-one inconsistency i see is where you had two different uses of wind in the story, but other than that, its very smooth and 'natural'.
It's harder to have good rhymes in a poem than you think, but you pulled it off quite well.
Overall, a 9/10
Hey there! You guys did so well, it's a beautiful poem.
"Make us forget our past"
Not sure if this is on purpose, like you're asking the wind to make your forget, but if not, it should be "makes".
"The clouds their currtian,"
It just should be "curtain". Those are the only things I can find. Just simple mistakes, so great job.
Overall, it really is nice to read. I especially like how you compare all of the things in nature to other things as well. My favorite lines were:
"As the leaves played the drum
The sun their spotlight
The clouds their currtain,
The meadow their stage."
It was such a creative comparison. And again, just a great job. Keep up the great work!
Thanks
'Ello there, you two!
I love collaborating with people to write poetry because to me, that's sharing a part of myself no one would see otherwise. It can get rough at times if you haven't agreed on a topic or anything similar, but it's a really nice experience when you get past all of that and look into the time you're spending with that person.
I also love both music and nature imagery, and I commonly write poems about those often; sometimes even together if I'm feeling the ideas. It's good to have a balance between ideas though because clashing them never ends well, and there isn't a clearly defined line here, which makes it sound somewhat rushed in areas.
This is one of the places I'm unsure of. If you could build up more on those sounds, on those things, on the area around them, etc, I think it would get some more depth to the imagery here instead of it being lost in everything or flat.
Overall, there's some improvement needed, but if you enjoyed yourselves, it was probably worthwhile. I hope to see some more poetry from you both.
Good job ~
L
thanks for the review