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The moon

by ForeverYoung299


A black sheet of crumbled paper

With a white moving circle

Which appears to be deeper
Than our eyes can see
Heard about the mountains
Which are there on it
But I have never seen them.
They are quite invisible you see.
Sometimes, it wraps a black blanket over it
Just to play with us
It serves an important purpose
For all the animals and birds
They don't have lights in their forest.
It is also important for us
Because it's responsible
For causing tides
In the oceans.


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Sun Jan 02, 2022 7:43 am
Notsi wrote a review...



Hey hey, Notsi here!

I once wrote in a poem about the moon,
"Mother, Oh moon, how much of a mother are you?"
This is because we do not truly know how much lays beneath her light.

Another fun fact about the moon:
It is associated with wolves for a few reasons. First being that wolves are easier to see when the moon is out and therefore it is easier to get a picture of them howling. Secondly, they hunt more during a brighter moon so they can see easier as well. Therefore, they communicate louder and more frequently with their pack.

I really enjoy the mystical feeling within the poem and really interesting that you added the bit about the tides. How come? I enjoyed reading the poem and hope to cross you again.

Until next time.




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Sun Sep 26, 2021 4:15 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Forever,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

That was a great poem you wrote about the moon. Right away, what struck me was that you never used the name, apart from the title, to describe the moon. That's a great way to do it and you could also use it as a kind of "riddle" to guess what you mean.

A black sheet of crumbled paper
With a white moving circle
Which appears to be deeper
Than our eyes can see

I like right away how you open the poem here and begin with a little philosophical and almost metaphor-like. Your choice of words here is well thought out and makes little sense to a reader at first, but it has a positive effect because you create something unknown.


Heard about the mountains
Which are there on it
But I have never seen them.
They are quite invisible you see.
Sometimes, it wraps a black blanket over it
Just to play with us

I think it's very fantastic how you manage to address the phases of the moon so directly here, without using any technical terms. I also found the line with the mountains very exciting, because they are actually not directly visible to the eye, probably more just the craters that stretch across the entire lunar surface.

It serves an important purpose
For all the animals and birds
They don't have lights in their forest.
It is also important for us
Because it's responsible
For causing tides
In the oceans.


Your poem can easily be split into several parts. I like how you go from a big, wide point to smaller and smaller, and here in these last lines you are dealing with nature and officially describing what you have presented in this poem. I like this change.

I'm just a little bit dissatisfied with the last four lines, because you make such a bend that wasn't seen so directly in the other lines. I think you can try to formulate it a little differently, like "But it's not only important for them, it's important for us too". That would be more in line with the tone you've inserted here.

I'm just not sure why the first two lines have a larger paragraph than the rest, and don't think this is supposed to be part of the poem.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Fri Mar 12, 2021 12:17 pm
InJung15 says...



So first I wanna say it was indeed quite enjoyable to read, I loved how you personified the moon and made the audience seem as if it is some sort of "mother figure". By saying the animals and birds have no lights in their forest makes them seem as if they are somewhat vulnerable, this furthermore positions the moon as a protector.

Great poem! Well done!




ForeverYoung299 says...


Thank u so much!!!



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Thu Mar 11, 2021 5:19 pm
MapleWay wrote a review...



Hey! MapleWay here with a quick review!

I liked this poem a lot! It brings up how important the moon is and how without it the world wouldn't be the way it is today. It also gives the moon a lot of personality. It seems as if it is a person or even a king looking down on its subjects.

Anyways great poem! Wouldn't change a thing!

Edit: Congrats on making the literary spotlight!




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Thu Mar 11, 2021 9:58 am
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hey there, stygianmoon17 here for a review :D

You really chose a great object for a poem, the moon is a great motif with tons of themes tied to it to make up for a nice little poem.
I feel like your poem was kind of a fusion between scientific and emotional- because yeah, the moon can be talked about scientifically, as it is responsible for tides and all that, but there's also so much emotion and metaphors it is linked to.

I just feel like this poem which mainly talks about emotion with a great writing style, could've ended on another note than science. I just feel like it could've struck us more.


Otherwise, the grammar was rather immaculate, although I need to mention this verse:
"Sometimes, it (the moon) wraps a black blanket over it"

you use twice "it", but if the moon was talked about under the pronoun "it", then it should be "wraps a black blanket over itself" or "wraps itself in a black blanket"

But these are minor details that you could focus on if you want to polish this poem, since this had a great flow and imagery overall. So great job !




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Thu Mar 11, 2021 6:50 am
Buranko wrote a review...



Hi there foreveryoung. I am Buranko, here for a review.

You chose a pretty nice theme and motif to build your poem on. The first line is a wonderful metaphor but what follows feels really off and wrong. I prefer a more poetical exprimation, rather than a "With a white moving circle" you could have said "Featuring a restless white smudge". Your exprimation is really rough. This looks more like the ideas you noted in a notebook for a poem. You should really try to edit this a little more. I am a lover of nature poems, particularly night environment poems. I would love to see this in its refined form.

It felt quite funny how you tried to give this a scientifical side to it by showing moon's purpose for both humans and animals. Nice twist good job!





I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King