Young Writers Society

Yoyoyo, Matt!

This is Moonwatcher here for a Review Day review. ^-^

The change stopped and you're back with me
You're crying and apologizing but you don't see what I see

Alright, I skipped the first two parts, which may have necessary in order to properly review this. But what exactly is this "change"? Although it is possible a small handful of people might know about this "change", but what would you tell the reader about this change? How was the change significant? It may have been explained in the first two parts, but the reader should at least have an idea of what this change was, whether or not they read the first two parts.

It's not your fault you're doing that
It's not your fault- and don't think our loves under attack

Once more, what is "that"? How would you explain to the reader what you're referring to, whether or not it was in the first two parts.

A year ago you wasn't having this type of problem

Although "wasn't" may have been intentional because of dialect, *weren't still looks better.

Now it's every day and it's deveoping into a new type of problem

"deveoping" should be "developing". You have a subtle rhyme (which I'll get to later), and you also used developing in the previous line. I suggest fixing that in order to avoid unnecessary repetition.

I love you

Normally, I would hate this, because it's so done to death and unoriginal that it's somewhat meaningless without some imagery attached to it. But you used in it a passionate way, and the lines before it were fairly strong, so I'll allow it. However, it's not nearly as strong as the other lines.

Now for the subtle rhyme. I'm honestly not sure what to think of it. It isn't complete rhyme, and more of a slant rhyme. But my biggest issue with rhyme is that it tends to limits the author's word choice, and may block the emotions and feelings that the author is really trying to convey. Love, along with rhyming poems, seem to be very vulnerable to this, and your poem is both. Most of the poem was strong and passionate, giving it somewhat of a pass, but other parts could use some improvement.

That's all I have to say, and I hope this review helps! ^-^

Hi, I'm back.

I skip the second part, because... Huh. I am forgetting why.

I like the first four lines. Something happens, probably the girl's fault, probably not, but it seems like it has been resolved and everything is fine now. I am not sure what has happened, probably need to read the second part, but yeah. I get the current situation.

I fell in love with the woman I see before me now
Not the one I saw a few minutes ago- but I love her too

Contradictions! So the persona falls in love with her, like, now, and not the one he sees 'a few minutes ago'... and goes back contradicting himself by saying he loves that one 'too'. Um, yeah, being indecisive sucks, and reading it sucks too. It is either he loves some parts of her, or during what time, or perhaps before she has done something offensive to him, and whatnot, because of the saying 'not the one I saw a few minutes ago-'. If there is uncertainty, says so, instead of contradicting himself.

A year ago you wasn't having this type of problem

'weren't'. Also, the next line ends with the same word, problem, when there is a variety of its synonyms, like 'issue', 'dilemma', and you do not have to end the line with them and break the rhyme either! Suggestion:

A year ago you weren't having this type of problem
Now it's every day and it's showing when your face is solemn

Or something like that.

Alright, so I love the message in this part, about loving someone unconditionally despite the problematic situations they are in, but I love it if it does not seem too... cheesy... as in, give me more depth. There must be a part of the persona that resents whatever she does to him, because let's face it, we are humans that are not without flaws. I also would like to have more clarity in this poem in the form of imagery or exposition, because the idea behind this poem demands it to be known completely. I've touched this in my previous review, so I'll end it here.

That is all, keep up the good job!