Clarity hides, a forgotten child
behind the curtain.
We sit contently
in the living room
while she stands waiting
wondering if someone will come.
She peeks out at us. The other children:
Imagery, Rhetoric, Metaphor,
are all sitting in our laps
as comfortable as chickens
waiting for their eggs to hatch.
Her mother joins us,
and calls her out of hiding
to sit among the little ones.
We scoff at Clarity
in her ocean-blue bow
and her stop-sign-red shoes
with her sun-yellow dress
like some assault upon our eyes.
"No one should wear that much
bright, bold color at once!"
We don't miss her
until she is gone.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,355 Literary Works • 672,109 Reviews
Oh..
I really liked this! This was really awesome, and I simply just loved it ^.^ Sometimes we are at a loss for words when we really like something..
I really, really loved this line:
Mostly, because its true for many people, and I can relate to this.. I really love it <3.
There was really nothing I didn't like. I think it flowed wonderfully and had a nice, almost harmony? To it.
Not sure how else to express it. I can't find anything to nitpick at... (And if I am missing something, its because I'm in love with it and I can't see it..)
But I really don't have much to say besides that.
Sorreh for such the short review, but I truly love this!
Always,
Your buddy,
SW
Hello! Here to review for the poetry exchange!
I thought this was a really interesting poem, I wasn't quite sure what to think of it as a whole though. It rather confused me.
The things that confused me:
-So if clarity is hiding, are things semi-clear at the moment? Or are things still clear even when she's hidden? (I'm supposing that Clarity is supposed to be the physical representation of the abstract concept of clarity.)
-One thing that I really wanted to know was who "we" is. Why are there these people interacting with these abstract concepts? Who are these people?
*moment of realization, literally as I write the review*
I was being to literal again. I was about to ask why these people seem to favor Imagery etc. more than clarity, then it struck me, you're taking about like, poetry! It all makes sense now and I am not confused any more. I want you to know though that I was confused when I first read it, and maybe not all readers will understand it. But that's okay. once they have their moment of clarity (haha), it makes perfect sense.
So is Clarity hiding because people make fun of her? And who is her mother in this metaphor? Or is her mother just there to keep the poem coherent?
I love the little details of her outfit and the way you wrote them. I could imagine them perfectly.
The last stanza was pure awesomeness. Great job.
One thing I don't like was the whole "egg" part. For some reason, I found it kind of creepy. It also makes it sounds like Imagery etc. are OUR mothers, nurturing us instead of us them. Maybe that's the way you intended it, but I don't really like that detail as a whole. Maybe more like, "...in our laps// like contented cats" or something. Maybe chickens just bother me...
I like the title, I think it's rather fitting.
Ooh, one other thing, I don't like the "like" in the line "like some assault upon our eyes." I also don't really like the "upon." I think you should make that line a little bit more... visual. I don't really know what to suggest, but maybe just think about it for a few more minutes. I don't like the "upon" because it sounds too formal for a rather informal poem.
I thought the whole meaning behind this poem was absolutely stellar (once I figured out what it was, that is). I like the straightforward, (and mostly clear) way you presented it. It was altogether a very quality poem. Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis
I probably should have put father, but I was thinking Billy Collins for the 'mother' of 'Clarity.' This poem is really inspired by how when I was doing research Billy Collins was debated as "not a poet" for his simple, clear, accessible language.
I'm glad you had a moment of clarity xD
I hope I'm doing a helpful review here
here for the poetry exchange!!
I'm just going to add the metric to my draft review so a metric will appear at the side of all your lines. I comment on specific lines after making a //
while she stands waiting (5) //in terms of imagery, I would suggest using "waits standing" or "waits trembling" or "stands trembling." Are you following a specific rhyme here? Also I think there should be a comma after waiting in the original.
She peeks out at us. The other children: (10) //should be hyphen instead of colon IMHO.
as comfortable as chickens (7) //I'm uncomfortable with the repetition of comfortable. However I can't find a good replacement.
waiting for their eggs to hatch. (7) //also I am not comfortable with the repetition if waiting. Is this part of the form of poetry? I'm not certain of that either.
to sit among the little ones (8) //I believe there should be a comma to end this line.
in her ocean blue bow (6) //I would consider this my hated line. I can't make sense of it.
bright, bold color at once!" (6) //Is color supposed to be pluralized to "colors"?
We don't miss her (4)
until she is gone. (5) //this is my favorite line(s). I like the dark undertones of it a lot.
Overall I think you strongly followed the structure so I've nothing to say in thy regard.
I was thinking all along if this poem is written to somehow address adult-encourage bullying. Being unaware of the structure required I was thinking that this poem has no real conclusion either. It sorts of leave the reader hanging and I like that.
Keep writing!!!
The poem is free style, not structured.
It is a colon because I am listing the names but a comma was too slight. I do have to rework this section to make it less confusing.
I am thinking period not comma for little ones at the moment.
I can prolly come up with something to fix the repetition.
Oceans are always called the bluest blue so I was playing on that connotation.
I don't know why you marked out syllables per line. Poems on general, especially free verse don't need similar syllables per line.
Aleyy. I like your poem.
I'm going to assume your poem is purposely unclear as a foil to the name of its protagonist. I like it better that way. And I think it's easier to think of it from that mindset - interesting that Clarity should be hiding behind curtains, described ephemerally and in terms of her dress.
But there are some temporally and generally odd contradictions, deeper ingrained in the work...
I struggled briefly deciding whether Clarity was a character or a metaphor. Especially after reaching the next paragraph, seeing
sitting in other children's laps. I think that confusion was accidental, for sure, and I don't know how it would be best to resolve this, or if it wouldn't be better altogether to accept it as an imperfection of this style of storytelling. That's for you to decide, I guess.
I can't decide whether the colon from "the other children" to that list of three lap-occupying literary structures is meant to distract me on purpose, and make me think the other children have the names Imagery, Rhetoric, and Metaphor, or if that's unintentional. Then there's a bit of a non-sequitur from those two lines to the next two, where the clearest antecedent to "as comfortable as chickens" is the trio I think you're actually trying to refer to as eggs.
So as I twist all these words into awkward contortions to try to explain my confusion, I'm really just saying that your sentence flow has me flustered. If that's intentional, kudos to you - you're really pounding metadetail into your work, and I'm absolutely taken aback by that depth. I'm going to purposefully assume that you did, indeed, make your structure unclear on purpose, and bash metaphors into simple descriptions just to emphasize the conflict between memory and reality that always results in remorse... "We don't miss her until she's gone."
Goodness. Once I've read this through the third time, those two final lines make me shudder a bit. I'm overzealous in this description of your work, I think, but honestly - the sheer simplicity of the words is so offsetting I nearly can't help but fall into the trap of overthinking every line.
It's beautifully imperfect, as it is, and I'm not sure I would change it. Murky little Clarity is strangely beautiful in Retrospect, and even moreso as I overcomplicate this simple slice of her life. If all my silly ramblings you've inspired by accident, take credit for them.
So, at first glance, it's sort of a rough read. But it can be so deeply interpreted, it really makes up for that. I could try to write more about it, but I think I'd just end up repeating myself.
The reading is what makes this poem good, not the writing. And that's an excellent thing for the involved reader. What a weird balance to strike.
Hey! So I really loved this poem! It was really great.
I really loved that Clarity, Imagery, Rhetoric, and Metaphor are portrayed as children. this is not something you see often, if at all. it is defiantly something I enjoy and wish I saw more of.
I agree also, that "spelling error red shoes" does not make much since. Were you talking about the red lines that appear under misspelled words? That confused me and is really the only thing I would have changed.
Hope this helped!
~findingmyway
Wow, I really loved this! With the help of YWS, I'm learning to enjoy poetry more. And this was, awesome. There are just a few issues.
First, your capitalization is a bit weird. I kind of get what your doing, but I think you should stick to capitalizing nothing, only clarity (to make it stick out, highlight).
"spelling-error red shoes" this line doesn't really fit in with the rest of the poem. I know where it's coming from, but you should change it to something that blends with your other descriptions. Maybe something with apples, or even blood(?)
"all sitting in our laps " the chickens are? "Imagery, Rhetoric, and Metaphor are? This was a bit confusing.
Aside from that, I thought this was beautiful! I haven't read any of your other poetry, but (for me) it was a nice poke at the world of writing and life itself. Good job!
Alex out!