I really hate searching for pens
or pencils or paints or light
Must I really explain?
I hate the looking, thinking it is before my eyes
and I am blind, pawing for the bit
which tells me it might be behind
my keyboard, or my book. I hate how it,
my pen that is, can tuck itself up in that
tiny space
no bigger than my finger in my bag
just to beg escape from scratching
out my thoughts today. As if.
I know your game!
I know you can hide in the slightest fold
at the bottom of my pocket
and blend like fabric, even to my touch
until I sit back down
when you appear like a twig
to dig yourself out
and fall to the floor at my feet.
I have seen you hide between my teeth
as I look across my desk and by my books
or in the binding of my notes,
like that nook would be your new place
when you don't fear use.
Don't try to tell me you don't agree.
You hide like a spider's single thread
in a myriad of green leaves.
I know better
because if you were not hiding
like a grader snake among the hoses,
I would find you before
the thoughts drain away
like a fly
determined to live.
You would see me chasing fireflies
and teach me to stand as still as night
to catch them on my finger
instead of letting me run around and flail like a child
trying to smash a triangle into a circle.
You are obstinate, and hide
like a tormented cat who is forced to bathe
each third night for Father's allergies.
Sorry, it won't change
and even if by the time I find you,
my mind is lost like a balloon free to the sun,
I can find something new to write with you.
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xD Ha, this poem is charming, Aley!
I agree with you, I like the fireflies as well and I immediately got the message that the particular lined evoked, so I don't think it's a matter of not being clear, I think that there are parts that bog or cloud the poem, you just need to drain the water out of the wine and keep the strong stuff.
My suggestion is to completely scratch out stanzas 3-5 (basically lots of nice elaborate similes and metaphors and lines and imagery that ALL describe the same thing over and over again), so we have: As if.
And then immediately jump into the crux of it:
You would have me chasing fireflies. (My favorite stanza by the way -- especially the smashing triangles into circles) XD Favorite line!
Certain lines in the 1st & 2nd stanzas I might shorten/condense or scratch out in favor to some of the lines of that 4th stanza, which I think expresses it better. So like the "Must i really explain" rhetorical, is that really necessary? And then, in that second line you state the fact that the pen hides in your book/keyboard -- I much like the rhyme and expression here:
which says the same thing, so a moving around of those lines? SO that you say it once, say it right. Your penultimate line about the cat and the bathing - great imagery, but again, superfluous -- I think the "trying to smash a triangle into a circle" leads RIGHT into the :
Sorry, it won't change... line so much more fluidly!
A joy to read through this
~ as always, Audy
Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
I have to say, well done! This almost sounds like a rainy day thought, then you thought 'I like this!' and finished it off. You did good with it.
One thing I have to point out though is this verse
"You would see me chasing fireflies
and teach me to stand as still as night
to catch them on my finger
instead of letting me run around and flail like a child
trying to smash a triangle into a circle."
I like the idea of it, almost like a friendship within the rivalry. Although I like it, I believe you can omit it from the poem as in my opinion, it adds an odd, random sort of atmosphere to a fun work. Maybe if you reworded it a little bit?
I really do love this poem. It's fun and every writer can relate! That is my only complaint to this, so good job. Keep writing!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover
Funny! I find interesting that you draw inspiration from an object many of us fine mundane.
Due to this fact, it gives a special uniqueness to your poem and presents it as an unconventional write-up. I have to say I do find the way you structure your words a little bit off, but this is just me.
The voice was clear, concise and to the point almost presenting the persona as a ''no-nonsense'' person. Overall, it was an interesting write-up.
Tend your flame!
I love this one. All so true, so true.
hey!
so really keep up the good work and keep writing poems, just try to stay on your first point ;D
Joshua here reviewing your poem! I liked this poem, the first five paragraphs are really good, but in my opinion i think you kind lead away from the point of you searching for pens, this is just what I think, I think these lines "to catch them on the finger, instead of letting me run and flail like a child, trying to smash a triangle into a circle" they confused me a little bit, but that's just me the rest of the poem is quite good you really have a nice way of describing things
yours truly
_Joshua_