If somewhere between your vows
and crossing yourself for the final time you notice
I am as the sun fluttering through the stained glass, free,
while you lock the yoke around your neck,
or if it comes before that,
like as you struggle awake in bed;
you might recognize
that in me too is your god.
I am not some trial
but his rebellion
his imported, exploratory creation;
I am the thousand reds protruding as rocks
in malignant contrast
to his love of green blades,
backed with an undercoat
of browned, ground compost.
If you recognize at last
that the mind is a powerful thing;
[We can choose who we are,
what we are, where we're going.
We can determine what is right for ourselves
regardless of religion, conformity, or "Him"]
and society is a wild horse.
[It doesn't conform to beliefs
any more than water to a bottle!
Put it in a new vessel,
and it has a new shape]
and why this is my response
as you kneel
cross
pray
then smile for me, please.
Being as you are
and understanding my point of view,
are not mutually exclusive.
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey, Aley, babes <3
WAH I love the imagery in this line, but it's like a sword that is too heavy for someone. I think you should word it differently. Perhaps like this:I like the direction you've taken this! The elaboration on the lines in the middle is something that made me do a double take at first because they've made the poem so different from the original.
There are a few things that I think can still be revised a bit.
"I am sun fluttering through stained glass, free" And maybe add a dash at the end of the line if you really feel like it, but I have a weakness for dashes, so make your own decision on that one.
Man, this is a great opportunity for you to use some great words and also clarify the poem a little bit. I try to stay away from "it" as much as possible, especially in poems like this, where the subject tends to change in the sentences a lot. I think it would sound fabulous if you wrote it like this: "or if epiphany precedes it" (well, I used it, but now we know what the subject is at least, and that it isn't quite as hard to figure out (kinda)). But man, epiphany is such a great word. It also is a Christian holiday (apparently, I just found out), so that's another religion thing there, but a subtle one.
The reds and greens stanza is fab. I do take issue with the word "browned" though. When I think of "brown" as a verb, I think of cooking meat. Just something to think about.
I really like the sections in brackets, but I feel that maybe you should make them a little more stream of consciousness. They feel like asides, so you should make them more into thoughts, if that makes sense. They're very structured at the moment. Maybe take out some unneeded punctuation, and uncapitalize (is that a word?) the caps to give it a different feel. Also, the exclamation point is not doing it for me at all. It makes it sound kind of preachy (and I think you're trying to avoid that). And I don't know if you meant "vesicle" or "vessel." Vesicles can hold fluid, but so can vessels, and I think vessel would be more appropriate here.
Honestly, this line confuses me. Why is there a then? Is it a cause or effect? What? Eh?
Altogether, I like what you've done with it. I hope this is helpful! Happy poeting!
I agree with the previous reviewer, sometimes the meaning to something can get so deep that we ourselves can be the only ones to uncover it. It feels as if there is something you are trying to prove, you are trying to push away religion, trying to be your own person. Rebellion can cause many great things, it has over the course of time, but being different just to be different will solve nothing. You cannot stand a certain aspect of life (Religion) and you are rebelling simply to rebel, not necessarily that you feel there is an advantage in rebelling. It seems you have a blurred view of what religion really is. When you use the word 'Him' I am assuming you are talking about the Christian God. I urge you to read the Bible for yourself, and take from it what you will, do not read a Christian, we are all imperfect people.
Sincerely,
Trevor
At some parts this is hard to fallow, and the message is buried deep, deep down, but it is apparent. In the author's mind christianity is best, but they will not judge you on your belifes, they judge you by who you are, how you act, and everyting you do. Your religion doesn't matter in a uman heart, but it does matter in God's.
How did you get "it does matter in god's [heart]" from this poem?