Young Writers Society

Hello CapitalMonday here, a review from the nest. I would like to begin is that is this poem is well-written and how I can agree on this subject. Firstly, the theme of this poem is well-heard and can be related to anyone who has a bear or any stuffed animal in that case, that they had loved so greatly and how they had protected them through thick and thin. Even as when you are little or older, you still want to play with your animals or at least hold them when the lights go out.

I can relate to this poem since I had a bear name Susie Q and I would bring it everywhere I went. School, in the rain, to the doctor's office, or just to go to bed. We went on adventures together, battling my sister's battle of only 5 bears or how Susie would protect me from sleeping from the monsters under my bed. Now that I'm older, I never really play with her but when I have a kid, I will give her Susie Q and tell her the adventures that I had.

Hope you enjoy this "review"
CapitalMonday

Hi, Aley! Autumns here with my thoughts-

My favorite lines:

The bravest horse to ever venture
out from under the bed
every night.
The knight who could
thwart the Ankle Grabber
and all nightmares.

The title of this poem is quite deceiving. I was expecting some unprofessional stanzas about a pony...
A pleasant surprise to read.
I don't have anything much to say as far as details, but I do have a few suggestions:

i: There were a few places I felt there could be a pause or altered break, so just read through a few times and see if you feel the same.
ii: Between stanzas 3 and 4 it looks like there's a little too much space, not symmetrical with the other spaces. Maybe it's just my eyes. But I know there's a difference in spacing when you hold shift+enter as opposed to enter by itself.
iii: I would change the title. I know it's a huge thing and it's totally the author's decision, but it just seems so dull and cliche compared to the greatness that this poem really brings.

Sorry this is super quick; looks like you've already had some great reviews for this.
Hope I still helped!

~iron.n

Hi Aley,

When reading this I had a nice sense of nostalgia for my stuffed giraffe called Jilly, which was my favourite toy as a child, until I accidentally pulled poor Jilly's leg off.

Here's my suggestions for improvements:

1- Line breaks. They are all over the place in this. I can't work our your reasons for breaking when you do and I think you could do with putting more thought into how you could use enjambment. I think the main time it worked was in the last stanza: "the only joy I still hold like I'm three / where I find him tucked away / still protecting me" because the rhyme strengthened the point and it didn't feel forced. Otherwise enjambment seems to be at random and not necessarily in the place that could surprise or fool the reader in the best way.

2- Punctuation. Why do you start using semi-colons in the final stanza? I understand you are, in a way, writing a list, so functionally they make sense, but it was a big break from the first stanza which was all short sentences. I find semi-colons in poetry to be difficult, because they make me pause for longer, and I always spend time questioning the author's purpose in putting them there. They are so rare I assume they must be there for a reason, and I wasn't sure why in this case. The poem seems to go periods to commas to semi-colons and I can't work out why. This confused me and negatively influenced my experience reading your poem.

3 - Straightforward. It is nice, but it's also fairly insular and plain and straightforward. Yes, you had a stuffed horse and he was your first/best friend, but beyond that, I'm not sure what else to get from this. I feel like you could do more with the images you use to evoke something bigger and stronger, like growing further from your childhood and becoming an adult and what that means for Brownie, like the nostalgia for childhood, and all other kinds of themes that you could draw in and tie in to these images. At the moment, they say one thing, and don't suggest anything else. I want you try for something bigger and bolder!

4 - Language. You use brown on two lines in a row in stanza 1. A bit boring. The word first is repeatedly used. I didn't see one word I didn't expect to see, I didn't see anything unique or different and to be honest some of the lines bored me because they were so familiar, so normal, that I wished you sprinkled in a few chocolate chips into the vanilla ice cream. You don't want the bowl to be covered in chocolate chips, but I want at least a few surprise ones buried in the centre of the scoop so I taste something I did not expect.

Hope this helps with a re-draft!

Ooh, Aley, this is so sweet.

It makes me want to put heart emoticons all over the review, but I'll refrain.

I can personally connect with this story, as I have a huge teddy bear that I got when I was three. He's been the absorber of many tears throughout all the stages of my life, and I always hug Grizzly when I get home from college. Yeah, I'll admit that.

I don't have much criticism for this. The only things I might consider changing are quite small.

I think that the "maybe I'll give Brownie to a little girl" part should be nearer to the end. It seems like more of a winding down type deal than something to start a stanza off with. I like that idea, but the idea of giving Brownie away seems too early in the poem, before the narrator reminisces about the times they shared with Brownie. I do like how you end it, though, I'd just move it a little closer to the end if possible.

The other thing I'd like to touch on is

the love I cried about in 7th grade

I really enjoyed this. You are definitely a skilled writer. This is relatable for most people (including me), especially the way in which you described it as your first friend. Additionally, I particularly liked your choice to make this a first person poem: it added feeling and emotion to what could have otherwise been an unfeeling piece. The anecdotes near the end are also easy to relate with. They covered a wide area of feelings and reasons for needing comfort that humans are incapable of providing. However, if I had to pick up on one thing that could be improved, I would have to say that, in my personal opinion, the last part was too long of a sentence. Yes, it makes grammatical sense due to the abundance of semi-colons, but I think that it would have been more effective as a series of short, emotion provoking sentences. Keep writing

I really enjoyed this, I could relate in so many ways with specific aspects of my life.
Your first friend I for some reason love the sound to that. A passion I enjoy is exactly how i feel someday, poetry has always been the music to my ears. The deepest parts to lay on a paper or screen, it can make no sense to others but to yourself it means the world. Thank you for an inspiration of my own from reading this.