the land looks like a river;
blues bleeding together
yellows swirl through
the churning red
eating away into thick black
until settling still.
sitting amid the spinning colors
(the opal glow of contrasts)
they stick like putty to their place
dark hues hang opposite the light
like the secrets crawling beneath
the shoebox full of nothings.
or is it the light that hangs opposite dark?
even darker than the shadows surrounded by brights,
it can stand an empty outward mask atop the mountain.
trying to look closer
fewer shapes are solid.
even motionless, the color blends
as blues go into blacks
and browns in reds
or yellows in blues
until the canvas holds a rainbow
dripping with cadmium blue,
cobalt yellow, azure red,
all arguing on the page.
focus down, paint by numbers,
simplify the section-and then the next
specify the idea of the color,
and then the next.
put away the cobalt and the cadmium
set aside the azure and the mars.
leave titanium for tinkering with the hue.
building blocks stack slowly
like a runner not watching his pedometer,
or the hours passing by until sleep is near
and with a glance at the clock
there is a sudden fear because the night has left
but the result is not a shallow frame
it is a skyscraper, proud and tall.
it is the clouds drifting by forever
and the laughing face of the wind.
narrowed down farthest
to the fraction of a twitch.
it can be the smile of a familiar face
or the echoes of a nightmare never forgotten.
this is not the child's stack of sticks
to stub toes on, and knock aside,
this is the masterpiece by
meticulous mastery.
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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
This is a great poem, lots of nice ideas, every word is used well and in the right context.
All that I have to say is punctuation. Capital letters, commas and full stops will make a poem very effective and more interesting to the reader if used well. It also gives the whole shape of the poem a neater,tidier, more rounded look.
I would also think about regulating stanza length, its fine having one or two lines less or more than usual in a stanza, but try keeping stanzas to a set size such as quatrains.
All in all, really good work. Keep it up!
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Alright, so this was very nice. Lots of imagery, lots of descriptions, lots of personification. Overall, really, really good! There are just a few nitpicks I have for you.
You have to decide this punctuation thing; you can't have a few lines with punctuation, and most lines without, because it disrupts the flow. There are, however, some lines that /absolutely need/ punctuation, like the question, "is it the light that hangs opposite the dark?" (which is a fabulous line, by the way). So I think I'd add a bit more punctuation to make what little punctuation you have now look a little more natural.
The lines, "trying to look closer / the less shapes can be determined," doesn't make sense to me. What's the connection between looking closer and shapes? Of course, I know what you're trying to say, but I think you mis-wrote what you meant. If I'm not mistaken, you mean something along the lines of "The closer you look, the fewer shapes can be determined." Which leads me to my next critique: "less," should be "fewer."
The line "-the opal glow of contrasts-," is nice, but the hyphens are really distracting.
That goes for the other lines with hyphens, as well. Maybe I just have a thing against hyphens, but they're really distracting.
The repetition of the "mast," sound in the last two lines is a little awkward. "Masterpiece," and then "mastery?" It seems a little redundant, but since that's the whole point of your poem, I'd keep it.
This was, overall, very nicely written, so let's talk about what you did right (write?).
Every single line describing the colors was really great. I mean, seriously, you have a /gift/ for describing these colors. And the best part was that they came /alive/. I love the line where the colors are "arguing," because I could totally just /see/ that! Great job!
I love the last stanza. I just. I love it. I can't describe exactly everything I love, because I don't have time or the space to write every single thing. There's just too much.
I give this poem nine stars out of ten, because, seriously, your imagery was incredible.
A lot of your imagery was full of color and shapes just like a description of a painting. I am not much of a poet, so I don't have much to say as far as crit, but so far, it seemed like a pretty good read.
What I thought my need to be changes was "Specific the idea of the color." Not sure what you mean by this. Maybe you could explain.
Anyway, I thought it was like reading a painting full of colors. What a cool process. Keep up the good work!
Amanda