Young Writers Society

Hey Aley, I'm upset that I can't review this - because honestly I just have no suggestions on how to make it better. Maybe do that interesting 'visual poetry' part again? The pad in the sand part? Because once I understood that I thought it was neat

You did a great job, I wouldn't have had the willpower to get it right It's really cool. Kudos!

Hello there Aley!

Ok so I think the parts after the "Pad" line made a little more sense and it was easier for me to visualize. I honestly don't really understand the first three lines. "paw dewclaw"? I don't really know how that refers to the beach. Is it the seagulls cawing? At first I thought I was supposed to fill in the blanks... silly me. Overall its a very nice poem. But you have to read it a few times to really understand what going on here, and that there are supposed to be broken bits of poetry. But I'm assuming thats the style of visual poetry. (Haven't seen it, haven't tried it, haven't heard of it.) So I apologize if I said stuff that doesn't really have anything to do with visual poetry. Good job but maybe clarify more the pawdewclaw stuff and the a pad d pad na pad d stuff because thats just extremely confusing... Is it supposed to be a beat maybe? I don't know. I could really well visualize the last parts though. Good Job!

Hello there Aley!

Ok so I think the parts after the "Pad" line made a little more sense and it was easier for me to visualize. I honestly don't really understand the first three lines. "paw dewclaw"? I don't really know how that refers to the beach. Is it the seagulls cawing? At first I thought I was supposed to fill in the blanks... silly me. Overall its a very nice poem. But you have to read it a few times to really understand what going on here, and that there are supposed to be broken bits of poetry. But I'm assuming thats the style of visual poetry. (Haven't seen it, haven't tried it, haven't heard of it.) So I apologize if I said stuff that doesn't really have anything to do with visual poetry. Good job but maybe clarify more the pawdewclaw stuff and the a pad d pad na pad d stuff because thats just extremely confusing... Is it supposed to be a beat maybe? I don't know. I could really well visualize the last parts though. Good Job!

Yo Aleycat,

I'm glad that the formatting worked out for you in the end! I'll begin with how I cheated and looked through your comments to explain the "pad" bit you had going in the SAND. I get what you're doing now it is explained but I think that it isn't terribly clear. I'm not sure what the extra letters near each 'pad' represent either. Of all the poem that's what has really struck me as not being clear and understandable.

Otherwise I'm pretty into your experiment with structure. I like not only that you're experimenting but that there's a focus to what you're writing about, you've not tried to go too far or too ambitious with this posted work. That said, I think it's a bit ugly? That seems weird to say because I don't usually attach structural aesthetic to poems unless the lines are wildly out of sync. It looks almost like a man taking a big step which is weird and a bit ink-blot to say as well, but that's what I see. I'm really mentioning it because I don't really see beach or wave. I see it starting at the latter part of the poem but I think you might find it more effective if those lines were staggered as well? On a new line of their own as they go back and forth. Maybe I'm reading the lines wrong, but I don't think I am, and I think putting them on their own line will help.

I think this is about an animal, I suppose a dog? We're in the view of a dog padding across the sand, making pawprints and chasing waves. That comes through fairly clearly, but I think you need to tidy your structure to more clearly reflect your intent. Concept is rad, though. Experimenting with structure is both daunting and hella fun.

- <3

I like visual poetry and I'm feeling a little reminiscent about my experimental writing module so this is right up my street!

Specifics

1. The pad thing hasn't worked or at least I can read two of them and wondered if it was part of the poem for a moment. Am I meant to be able to read them? If so, I'm not a big fan? Maybe you could have actual words in smaller font like Spade Adventure Neap Dune?

2. Soothing really didn't feel like a soothing word after the chilly and cold. I was looking for another c word and it broke my immersion a little. Maybe go for three s words instead to be all sandy and that kind of hissing sound like the waves. You could easily have shivering or spray or go thesaurus a few.

3. The rest of the poem flows nicely and I like the bone out in the ocean but I also like that those last few lines work reading downwards or across. There's a nice ambiguity to the motion and that works in this poem.

Overall

Is the shape meant to be a crashing wave? It's a little hard to tell and I thought of almost a castle on the edge of the beach and then the water maybe? I think you need to make it more distinct since it's the focus here, either one big wave or a series of smaller ones or some kind of big sandcastle or a shell. Something preferably that's mentioned in the poem though so waves or a shell would work best.

If you're going for the visual, that part has to be really right because you do lose a little in the wording here and there.

But it's cool and like I said, that ed part is great, I'm just not with you so much on the beginning.

Best of luck with this!

~Heather

jumping sheep here!

This is super cool! I've never seen anything really like this before! I'm not sure if there's suppose to be an order to this poem, or if the poem itself is more of a collection of words inside the shape. Anyways, I liked the specific and really tight vocabulary you used. I could picture the entire scene and you managed to capture the image of a beach without falling into the old cliches. Keep up the good work! PM me if you have any questions!

hm this is every confusing its one big typo not to be mean or anything, but it is okay Poetry this needs a lot of work in editing i,m not to sure what you were going for whit this whit the long pauses and i don't get this part at all "S pad c A pad l N a pad D w pad" but i do get the rest of it i don't like to leave a bad review but this was bad to me you have been no here a long time to so i,m not sure if this is a joke or just the way you writ stuff i hope you take this review in to considerations to fix the typos in it i hope to see better later on.