Standing beneath our great oak I watch
the gray rain gather over your head.
It pools from your salty tears as you stare
into the ground like it has swallowed your life.
A broken deer, legs shattered by a bullet
biting and tossing her neck and head
trying to drag some life out with her dying breath.
Blood covers the ground with her kick to run.
Those last moments, as she flounders beneath
her own impossible attempts to escape, bleeding out
with pain to drag herself mere inches, that is you.
Your back legs, your hips are lame.
I see now I was wrong. The bullet hit your spine.
In humans, they call you a paraplegic,
but in the wild, you die. It crawls closer like a hunter
slowly descending from the blind.
If shock and blood loss don't get you, he will
and you don't see how useless it is to fight,
to kick, to squirm, to rave, to scream.
I want to shoot the hunter for your pain.
I want Death to step into my ring
so I can toss my weight against his
and demolish him with my pain.
Standing beneath our oak, I watch
the hunter cap you in the heart.
He wants your head to mount
beside Father, whom he shot earlier this year.
Helpless? Is that was it means? I can't see.
Blinded by grief it is only retrospect
that I know you owned masks.
I lost you that day we buried Father
to this battle you waged with your hunter.
Behind my misty eyes I could not see,
until you tore me from the ring with Death,
that you were not behind the masks.
You were stuffed, and hung.
My hands were lost.
My lips could barely taste air.
I stood beneath our old oak
and you were rained out of life
by smothering rain so thick
every inhale was half water
I could not push away.
My hands were lost as the water pooled
beneath your nose
it squelched your eyes
cupped your mouth.
I could do nothing to pull you free
from drowning in that salty rain.
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This shows such a love for animals, and I like how this deer could be so many other things than a literal deer. I wish I knew what to think about the masks?
Aley,
I think you're right about this one in that the middle needs some work or (I suggest to nix it out of this poem and use the middle as content for a new poem?) It just seems like the middle is adding in different/new ideas that sort of compete with the original idea which is so poignant and intense.
So this here:
Is great, there is a lot of strength and conviction in the imagery, the story, and the voice. I actually like that stanza so much, I almost want to start it in the 2nd, without the prelude of the first stanza.
This line here is also absolutely amazing. To me, there is such a connection here between the image of the deer and the "you" in the piece, the human, and then you elaborate with the stark differences. The crudeness of the wild juxtaposed with the compassion of humanity, yet there is also a lingering thought in my mind of all the times humanity has failed/how we haven't been compassionate enough, and this makes a powerful poem all on its own. The ideas and contemplation of death in the next stanza, of father and burying father, of drowning etc. takes me on a new path and I'm not quite ready to stop thinking and mulling over the first.
~ as always, Audy
Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
Well, that was obviously personal, on some level. Extremely, absolutely well written, couldn't make it much better if I tried. I love how you made it personal on a level where the references are things that only you truly understand but placed in a way that the audience can still reflect on the contents. That's a hard thing to do well, good job!
"I want to shoot the hunter for your pain.
I want Death to step into my ring
so I can toss my weight against his
and demolish him with my pain."
I noticed here that you used 'pain' as the last word in both verses, one right below the other. It isn't a terrible thing to do in the format you have it placed, but I believe it could be better, stronger if you found another word for pain to put so close to the other times you use that word.
I love the reference to the deer and the hunter. It is exuberantly effective in the context and content.
That's all I'll note for now. You did a GREAT job with this piece. Keep writing!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover
Hi there, Aley! Here's a review for you, representing team blue on this magnificent March review day!
Before I let this thing take off, I'd just like to put in a little disclaimer. I'm reviewing from my iphone at the moment, so please excuse any typos. 
First of all, this poem is pure awesomeness. Your imagery, syntax, and diction were all spot-on and each of those things worked well towards conveying the feeling of helplessness and an inability to protect those you love from a grisly death at the hands of terrible evils. Often, I'll read poems that are really strong on one of those things, but are really average when it comes to the other two. Here, all three of them were fabulous and like I said, thy each contributed to te overarching themes and ideas of this poem very well.
One of the things I like most about this poem was probably your use of the deer metaphor. That, in my opinion, is what really set tho poem over the top. The whole idea of the narrator telling their story in this way was really cool and made this a really interesting read. Often, human beings assume that animals simply don feel emotions the same way we do. In my belief, this is a false notion when it comes to higher mammals, etc. (Don't worry, I'm not getting into a biological rant here). By using something like a deer (which some would say could never feel complex human emotions like love or grief) in order to convey those very emotions, you were able to magnify those feelings that the narrator is experiencing. This irony is more than simply amusing because it forces the reader to confront the irrefutable truth that powerful emotions are a universal thing and that they can have an effect in a human being that could leave that person changed forever.
As far as constructive criticisms go, I really couldn't find much to criticize here. Everything was in place, your poetic elements were flawless, and your narrative voice was interesting too. Even so, I hope this review helped you to know that whatever you are doing is definitely working. Reassure yourself that you are an awesome poet and give yourself five big ol pats on the back. Well done, old sport! Happy review day and never stop writing!
Hello there it is fallen to review you tonight, So shall we get started with a sorta of rant of amazement? Alright I enjoyed your poem because it was not like a lot of the other poems in the words of it being happy and rainbows sparkling all the words it was a sorta depressed but good poem overall and I loved that. :3 MY favorite part was when you describe the deer shattered by a bullet that was just Wow imagery comes natural for you don't it? I also enjoyed " My hands were lost as the water pooled." because of once again the imagery if you can not tell I value imagery because it aids your writing which it clearly did with your amazing poem. I actually do not have any nick picks or any negatives toward your poem well done and keep writing