She lay there prostrate and mute,
a tube of foggy plastic down her throat
tape on her mouth, nearly unconscious
veins crawling out of her arm
white beneath the sterile light
and whiter still as my vision tunneled
and my head swam with blackness
as my ears closed off and my tear ducts shattered
too full to sprout a single gem
as they all blocked one another from the exit.
I had to get out of that dimension,
and my heart pounded in my ears.
Surrounded by nurses, and not one
could warn me about the mortality of my mother.
Intensive care was exactly what she
required to survive, and if
we hadn't gotten there eventually,
she'd need a funeral home
a morgue
an autopsy
a tomb stone,
an urn.
I denied my knowledge and ears
saying that we'd come out the other side
despite her sleeping on the couch
nearly killed by the flu, or the cold,
and everything she ever got.
She would get better.
There she lay, trying to recover
needing intensive support
an opaque plastic tube choking her
and the nurses who didn't know
the first thing about how to treat her.
I couldn't lie to myself any more;
we were the best nurses for her
and my world was a pinhole in the blackness
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139,327 Literary Works • 672,536 Reviews
Wow, Aley, this poem very good! Very deep and dark, yet honest as the teenager realizes he should stop pretending.
This is so good and honestly I have very few nitpicks. When I read it through the first time, the second to last line "we were the best nurses for her" was a little bit confusing, until I realized that the narrator was referring to himself and perhaps the rest of his family. You don't have to change it of course, I was probably just being slow
Overall, this poem was really wonderful, I really enjoyed it alot!
Keep Writing
-Zanda
What an incredible theme here! Really dark, but real and hard-hitting.
I love it.
Your detail and wording was pretty spot-on for the most part.
I particularly love the way this is laid out and broken up, for some reason.
One nitpick: Like, seriously, the smallest, tiniest, stupidest nitpick you'll ever hear in the whole wide world because I can't think of much else to say for this:
add a period at the end of the last stanza after "blackness"
Just to finalize it!
And bam. Your beautiful poem is complete.
Yeah I'm sorry I'm super tired and need food right now.
On the bright side, this is my last review for my next star! Ima go celebrate
Great job!
Yours,
~iron.n
Salutations!
On a less happier note, this poem is thick and dim. You have done a fare job in expressing the loss in this piece. The details are prevalent and descriptive; I like them a lot. The first stanza is my favorite, if not the most confusing one.
Somethings that didn't go down easily for me: structure. I would like the first stanza to be split into two, as it is difficult to decipher you from your mother. Also, if you decide to continue using punctuation, try to distinguish between commas and line breaks in a way that makes it more clear as to what entails a complete phrase.
Overall, I was pleased by this personal poem of yours. You crafted something dangerously depressing; this is something I can relate to. I offer your enthusiasm in poetry to practice stanza management to shape an appropriate setting. Thanks again for your writings!
Always,
Z
This was a pretty long poem, but cool. Make sure that the rhythm of the poem does not run away, especially this part. It is totally out of place forthe entire thing. The entire poem is long in each line. But this:
There. That part, try and improvise it.
Next, read your poem on a metronome, make sure it can follow the beat. If it doesn't, something is wrong..
Allright, that's all for now. Thank you.
That was a very amazing poem! I loved all of the descriptive words, I could see it very clearly in my mind. There is so much emotion, and it's a beautiful poem but sad at the same time. I especially love the last line, "and my world was a pinhole in the blackness". I thought it closed the piece with a certain finality.
I honestly have no words. That is really beautiful and it paints a great picture. Your inspiration must be amazing. I only suggest that you continue writing!!
Sorry there are no critiques!
Hello CapitalMonday here to review this poem. I like to start off by saying that this poem is amazingly written and why you might ask? Since you give us the problem and conflict within the few words that are being spoken. Also how the suspense wants me to read more of what might happen.
There are a few parts that confused me (few). One of these parts, was and whiter still my vision tunneled. If you could clear that up, I think someone could understand better.
..and my tear dutch shattered/too full to sprout a single gem is also a little confusing (is she trying to get another tear out or something?
I denied my knowledge and ears/says that we'd come out the other side makes little sense to me, since who comes out on the other side?
Yet there are some good parts to this poem as the person loves their mother so much that she doesn't need a grave; she needs something greater since their mother was the greatest.
Overall, i think this poem is amazingly well-written except for those few confusing parts.
Farewell and hopefully this makes sense,
CapitalMonday