Building a fort doesn't take much time.
First install the walls,
don't let information leak
like water in an ocean: contain it.
Winter's lonely breeze will come
and water will expand.
The walls will crack in time.
Next, fortify the wall
with archers in the embrasures
firing out questions as arrows whizzing by:
inquire before they do.
When they fire, and it strikes
they will fall far from the heights
you build, and be dead at your feet.
Last install the moat
so before they think to attack,
be so outdated and un-pretty
they give up early.
Then, if an adventurer fair
has seen over your moat,
and dodged your arrows,
and ignored your walls,
then, will you come out
to see everyone else
is playing tag, not hide and seek?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello, darling! Here as requested, and let's see how well I can critique this.
The first thing I notice is the title. I don't know if I'm missing a poet's play on words (I'm in a very literal sense at the moment of writing this), but as I read it, the word looks like it should be "Solitude". This is enforced by your images of ice and a fort throughout the poem, such as Superman's Fortress of Solitude.
I feel like this would be much better if the italicized and non-italicized stanzas were more cohesive. You have some odd images that bridge the two topics, but at the same time, there's not a lot of feeling between the two that they fit together very well. The images are cool (pun intended), but they feel like they're just that: images splashed on a page. There's nothing to tie these to real emotion in the reader's psyche, and the evocation of emotion is basically the reason that people write poems.
As for flow, some of your lines don't flow into each other so easily—you have too many syllables or too few syllables, and the awkwardness brings me out of the poem. A couple that really stuck out at me:
Not only is this a run-on (more forgiveable in a semi-free poem), the second line feels somewhat stilted—it might benefit from "and" at the beginning, and that would put your meter into a more iambic form with the stress-release on the syllables, easier to read.
This stanza feels like it has the least thought put into it of all of them. Not only is it in itself a run-on (like I said, mildly more forgiveable, but not completely), the way it's structured drags the reader away from the text itself. The lines don't really fit together and the term "un-pretty" doesn't fit at all with the rest of the poem. I'd definitely recommend rethinking this stanza.
The flow here is a little wonky, too—I feel like this would flow a little better without the "and" before "dodged your arrows", simply because the grammar is more natural on the tongue and, again, the meter feels odd with the conjunction in there.
I do enjoy the idea of this poem, especially considering the gentle coercion of people who are very much defensive, but at the same time the idea doesn't really come through until the end. I feel like this could take a lot of re-reading and a bit of phrase editing as well as checking for meter. Even though it is free-verse, the meter is definitely important.
Keep writing!
This was a bit too deep. I am really sorry but to be honest, this looked underdeveloped work. That's my honest opinion. I can't really say how, because I didnt like it in the first read, but found it unique when I read it for the second time.
My biggest concern is the flow. I found it hard to follow. It was talking about unique things like defense mechanism and I loved the first 3 stanzas of your poem.
I loved that stanza! But post the third stanza, I felt you got a bit carried away and the flow broke badly for me. The biggest irony is, when I read that stanza separately I really like it, but it breaks the flow of the poem. I like the voice in your poem. It is really a strong voice and the tone is dark and grim. It appears a mere explanation of defense mechanism on face value, but like I previously said, it is really deep.
I dont if it's just me but I didnt understand the alternate italics stanzas. Nor did I understand why you made the first letter bold.
Overall I failed to connect with this poem. It was a unique theme but it didnt strike a cord with me.
Alright. I'll try something else to see if I can convey what I was going for with the italics and bold first letter. Thanks for being honest.
You shouldn't have to apologize for a critique. It is your opinion that you're offering of your own free will and that should be appreciated. <3
Yeah, we might have to dress it up with what we like, but we shouldn't refrain from giving advice because we can't connect with something. People need to know that it's not connecting, and, if you can, why it doesn't connect, and what might be possible to do to connect in the future.
I had faced some snark in one of my earlier reviewers where a senior writer was critical about my review and literally said, "You are not a good writer yourself, who are you to judge me?"
I know you're one of the most popular poets here so I got a little intimidated by the fact that I am critiquing someone who is so much better than me. My reviews are rarely apologetic but critiquing a senior writer is sometimes very hard.
Thank you for being so polite in your reply. It makes me 'feel-good.'
Typo: *One of my early reviews*
Hi Aley, a quick review on your poem.
keep writing.
You have a catchy title for your poem and it really gives a sense of the uniqueness of its own. Explore the contents anyway, obviously it is about defenses and how you can make it stronger in the presence of the enemy. But somehow, it may also have double meaning behind it.
I liked the tone of voice which is somewhat strong, serious and is compatible with your poem. To be honest, the last part of the poem is awesome although there are parts that is quite confusing me. Anyway, I enjoyed reading your poem