The wind was warm Today
The cold chill of air stay-
ed like a bitter reminder in
our winter wonderland, dim
from deep snow as light
as a white shirt after a Fight
in mud. I took a breath with
the audacity of a Greek myth
and heard the birds chirp so
delightfully, it was warm. low
wind crawled across my face like shadows
of a spring day begging me to doze
with the sun to warm my face under
the open sky. Spring has wonder
for my town as we are replicas of
anxiously thawing Popsicles who love
the squish of mud. Torn
from the winter cold, thrown Asunder
by the pot holes like an axle, You
can hear the bellows of deer and dogs, Can
turn the soil to smell the grass, See
lifetimes buried again. Me
tooling in the garden Against
the riotous tomato plants. The
dreams are coming back. Farthest
ones crawl closer from the Wall.
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Aabbcc -- I'm immediately thinking couplets! And then not disappointed xD
I'm also not a fan of the breaks in stay-
ed. I used to do that as well, just because I liked the idea of experimenting, I liked the idea of being able to manipulate words on the lines and how does this read? And what if I do this? And there's meaning to it too, like the way your "stayed" hangs on a line it *literally* stays just a moment longer. Here's the thing: a reader doesn't read like a writer does, a reader is not going to contemplate on the way a line affects the meaning of a word, they're going to read like a reader does - they want a smooth, enjoyable ride. I used to do a lot of
pop!
and onomatopoeias as its own separate line, which was a lot of fun to do XD But! Looking back on it, it really isn't enjoyable as a reader. I think experimenting is all fine and manipulating the forms of words is all fine for one's personal discovery, but only if it takes a backseat to the actual content/emotion/heart in the poem. So, you want it to be extremely subtle rather than right-in-yo-face which can be super distracting.
So about the breaks!
It makes it really distracting to read x-X It's like we're in a car ride, and the driver is HARD BREAKING every five minutes, plus, it works in contrast to what a couplet does - a couplet is the uniting of lines, it is the epitome of smooth-sailing. So it's a neat experiment to combine two unlike things, but the effect is jarring, like peanut butter and salsa sandwiches and it just makes it harder for me to focus on what the poem is saying.
By the third stanza we sort of break the rhyming, and it's like -- oh so this is where the "...?" in the title comes in, and it's my exact reaction: ...? How is it that something (I'm assuming dreams?) is crawling closer -- and at the same time is crawling from --which is to say crawling away? Huh?
I love a lot of little gems in this. We are replicas of thawing Popsicles, turning the soil and riotous tomato plants. It's time for the start of Spring, eh?
Hope this helps
~ as always Audy
Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
I like the experiment here, I probably wouldn't be able to do it this well, but since I'm the reviewer, I have to nitpick.
I found the first verse didn't make much sense in relevance to the rest of the piece. Honestly, the words in this format were messing me up a bit, I'm not meant to read things like this! But if I got the interpretation right, the first verse would sound a bit better reworded.
Also, I believe random words are capitalized and they are not needed to be. For example,
"...thrown Asunder
by the pot holes like an axle, You
can hear the bellows of deer and dogs, Can
turn the soil to smell the grass, See
lifetimes buried again."
The commas are there, not to end sentences, but to continue them. The capitalization is a bit awkward when it is constant and unneeded in the context.
That's all I can say right now! You did good with what you had to do, don't take it hard, ok? I couldn't have done better! Keep calm and write on!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover
I suppose I'll come out with it. The poem's goal was to get you to read the end rhyme. I wasn't sure if I messed up enough of the end rhyme to make it happen, so I put in a fail-safe of sorts, capitalizing the 'end rhyme' to point out the last words.
The experiment has failed pretty much, but it was fun to try.
Structurally the poem puts me off... Also, I have to say that the rhyming does feel forced and kills (ultimately) the rhythm of the poem. I can understand that this was an experiment but the whole poem felt a bit loose to me like it's still in progress. However, your imagery is pure beauty. You have your word choice to thank. The imagery created sensual images in my mind and I do enjoy your allusions.
Overall, I'd call it a dancing poem; it's in procession but still doesn't know where it's dancing too...
Tend your flame!
Hello, rhia here to review.
Even though I really like the content of this poem, I find that I cannot enjoy it much at all because the rhyme scheme feels so forced. You have some interesting rhymes, but the way the lines are broken is so clearly focusing only on the rhyme scheme that it feels fake. Some, like I said, are very clever rhymes (myth and with comes to mind), while others are very cliched, and still others are grammatically incorrect or make no sense at all. The breaking up of stayed into stay-ed, for example. I am a huge fan of enjambment, so I am all for irregular line breaks, but the purpose of that is to draw emphasis to a certain thing, not to house a rhyme scheme easier. Maybe if you only broke lines just to rhyme once or twice, and the rest were more natural, that would be great. Instead, this feels really forced and choppy.
As far as what is being said here, I love it. It's really new, really personal yet grounded. It's very modern and entirely yours. I like the little secret message in the last stanze, yet at the same time I don't. It's kinda leaving me thinking that if you put so much effort into establishing a rhyme scheme, I want to at least see that all through. If you're going to leave a message, do that entirely, not just one stanza.
I hope I wasn''t too harsh, I just think it could use some work still.
This was interesting. I especially like what you did with the last stanza. Strangely enough, having it not rhyme when you write with sentences ending strangely is sooo much easier to read that having it rhyme. I thought this turned out well.
I can no longer really review this
because I am at awe
at awe at the poetry that jumps
through the screen
that I cannot understand at first
until I search to see
the truth beneath.
xP
It's really gorgeous. Even if you were just focusing on the rhyme scheme your poetry is excellent and I really enjoyed reading that. Especially reading it out loud. I cannot really review this, but I do want to ask if this poetry really meant something or if it was all just made up on the spot? Were there thoughts buried in there? It seems so deep. I hope I will one day learn to write like that.