it lit up the sky like summer time
exposing all the imperfections of the earth
like someone flickered on the light switch of the sun
and once more plunged us into darkness
just a moment we were witnessing the whipping wind
the sheer force of rainwalls imposing upon the ground
like orchestrated wings of ballerinas stomping
and we could see the yellowed leaves fly
the gray sky backdropping black bent swaying trees
showing us the wind as we sat in the creaking house
and once more plunged into darkness
it cried and whined and groaned in the south side
where the rooms protrude like tumors
the wind hanging on them and pushing at their bends
chords around the house whip-cracked against it
and we plunged into the darkness
we sat admiring the view
happy to be tucked away
in our witnessing of the sheer power it provided
our sympathies extended to the sorry souls
who had horrible timing hiding in the shadows of the school
from the wicked wind that ripped across her land
driving rain sideways ignoring gravity's commandments
once more plunged into darkness
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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
This is a really amazing poem. I love how instead of simple words, you tended to use more advanced words that had better and stronger meaning, which added meaning to the poem itself. Also, I liked the figurative language used. This poem has a good tone, and reading it was enjoyable. Thank you for writing this. Good job!
Aley!
I'm definitely let breathless and a bit off-kilter, which is how a good strong storm leaves you, and your title plays into that imagery nicely.
I love you first line. I also really like the image I get from "rainwalls," that's just delicious. And so, so accurate in a storm.
What I'm having trouble with, though is your utter lack of punctuation - now stop laughing at me! I know, it's hypocritical, but it's too much of a run-on with no break, and your line breaks are a combination of enjambment and not and it leads to not knowing how to read the lines. Now, if that's your intent, you're good
On a personal level, you could have no similes and I'd be happy. Other than that first line. But that's totally a me thing. Anyway.
On the "bends/chords" lines - two things. 1, is it cord or chord? I think it's cord, but grammar. Second, "cording," not "cord"? At least with no punctuation: with a comma after "bends" I think it reads fine as is.
Back to your enjambment for a second, using some of the same lines as above: "against it/and we plunged" reads nicely. The next line, though, needs some kind of separation to my ears, since it's a separate thought. There's a few other spots that stand out in a similar vein, too, but for the same kind of reasons: there's two thoughts that need more separation to my ears than they have, since line breaks are not being used solely in lieu of punctuation.
Thanks for the read, Aley! I know you were playing with this the other day, and I like it! So, keep playing, because we'll turn you to the dark side, yet!
Hey Aley,
First Impressions: Ahh, I love real poetry. This is a great piece, and while it's not quite an Emerson, it's still pretty good.
Thoughts:
I feel like this is the best part of this poem, mostly because it really accentuates young kids in a storm, sitting in their house under the blankets to watch, and maybe scream and hide if it gets to crazy. Takes me back.
I also like all the imagery. Some of it is a bit cliche;
Not much to say there. But there are others that are really nice;
Overall: Definitely something worth the read, and will probably read it again at some point. Thanks for putting it out there!
I give it:
Thank you for the compliments!
I'm trying to get away from cliches, can you tell me/show me where you think it feels a little cliche?
It's just that leaves are always yellow and skies are always gray and silhouettes are always black and old houses always creak. It just seemed to pull down from your other, well versed descriptions.