She is my nemesis,
my queen, my sunshine
and my shadow. I love her but
she is the sun
too close for comfort,
burning me when I pause,
harmful if I stare too long.
I want nothing
more than to enjoy
everything about her,
but at what cost?
How many eyes will I sacrifice
to stare into her glowing
rays? How much skin will
blister and crack as I am
caught beneath her gaze?
I have no shield without my mask,
my hiding and lies. They are my shade,
my o-zone, my disguise and
without them, I would die.
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Wow the analogy between a girl and the sun is so well thought out and explained. I also love how you said,
"How many eyes will I sacrifice
to stare into her glowing
rays? How much skin will
blister and crack as I am
caught beneath her gaze?"
This is a great way of saying that people give up so much to be with someone. This is an amazing piece of poetry and you are a great writer.
Keep writing:)
-Audrey
Hey,
I thought this was cute. I don't know what anime this is from so if you could tell me that would be great. I don't ever review poetry because it is so up to opinion. But this was cute none the less. Um one thing I have to say is maybe correspond the flow of the words with the structure of the poem it's self. Other than that it seems fine to me. Yeah this was a bit short sorry it's late and I don't do poems but keep up the good work and have a great night.
-Zee
Thank you Zee, I really appreciate your thoughtful comments. It's from Yu Yu Hakusho talking about Yukina and Hiei's relationship. Well, Hiei's relationship to his sister <3 I wanted it to be able to be relatable without being in the fandom though, so I didn't really advertise that.
Well good job because you didn't need to know it I'm just curious. I'll have to check it out I love the sibling bond in anime it;s just so great.
I don't know who the two characters are - sounds like another anime I need to watch - but I think love is pretty universal and I get the impression this is a darker or more normal person looking up to someone who they think is too good for them, maybe even harmfully so.
Maybe expand this part or replace 'everything about her' with one really specific thing? It's a bit vague at the moment.Specifics
1. I'm not sure that queen should follow nemesis as that seems a really big jump. Perhaps there should be another line or word to bridge the gap? What else is she to him in bad terms? Or does he love that she's his nemesis? This may be something particular to the series so feel free to take my words with a pinch of salt!
2. I'm not sure the sun is 'too close for comfort' or not in its natural state anyway. Perhaps that needs to be made clearer like 'she is the sun/ but if I stand too close/ she burns me when I pause/'. I also think the last line of this stanza could be better. Instead of repeating that it's harmful, maybe follow on from that pause - why does he pause? Like: 'to see the sky through her eyes' or 'to count the sun spores on her skin'. Obviously I don't know what she looks like and I'm too lazy to google at the moment but you get the idea!
3.
4. Nice ending!
Overall
I think this manages to transcend the fan-fiction it's written for and still be understood as a general expression of love and that's good! A few more personal details would help to bring it to life more and give those who don't know the anime a better understanding/ image of the two characters but it's a nice little poem even as it is.