Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Horror

E - Everyone

monster

by 4revgreen


never do you stop and think

as you shrivel up and slowly shrink

with each sip of that dastardly devils drink

that the meat so tender and so yellowish pink

was something that could once see and blink

a somewhat someone who's heart did sink

when that night you prowled the dark precinct


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
114 Reviews


Points: 7140
Reviews: 114

Donate
Thu Apr 11, 2019 12:54 am
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello 4revgreen!

I just want to say that I really like this poem! It's short, but it's more than enough to give me the chills. I love the imagery, the rhyme scheme, and just the general creepiness conveyed. I think each line flowed really well together. One line I especially liked was "with each sip of the dastardly devils drink". Maybe it was because of the alliteration or the idea... I don't know. It just really stuck out to me.

I don't really have anything else to point out about this... aside from what earlier reviewers already did... so I'll just say this again: great job!




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much !



User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 4338
Reviews: 61

Donate
Fri Apr 05, 2019 1:29 am
OofOof1 wrote a review...



Hello there friend, it's me Oof.

I searched upon the Green Room and saw your poem right there, I was interested in reading it because of the title and so I did.

Your poem, or Masterpiece I would say, had some really good flow until you reached the fourth line. To me it just really doesn't belong there and when I got to that it kind of confused me.

What I liked about your poem is that it Rhymes really well, in fact I can not do a better job myself, so good job with that.

Tell me the last sentence is like my favorite line of this whole poem because it really caught my attention the most out of all the lines in this masterpiece, so good job. I'm not saying the other lines are bad because they're good too I'm just saying that I like the last line the best.

Anyways everything else seems fine, and I get the true point of your title now. Happy April.

Signs are most curious and confusing friend,

OofOof1. B-)




4revgreen says...


ahh thank you! It seems like everyone is confused about that 4th line but I promise that it does make sense, I explained it in the review below aha but thank you so much fr the review!



User avatar
99 Reviews


Points: 2486
Reviews: 99

Donate
Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:35 pm
Honora wrote a review...



Hi there! :D
This piece is very good. I don't know why but it really spoke to me. Maybe it's appealing to my darker side ;)
So the only line that really didn't make any sense to me was the fourth verse, "that the meat so tender and so yellowish pink." It just doesn't tie in with the rest of your poem. :( Now that I showed you the line I didn't like, I'll show you the one that REALLY caught my eye, "with each sip of that dastardly devils drink." Don't know why but I really liked this one. :)
Now that I look down, I see FireSpyGirl already told you about that one line but oh well. It must be true if we both thought it!!
Good job and I look forward to seeing more of your work! :D
Your friend,
Honora
P.S. I like smileys :D :D :D :D :D




4revgreen says...


If you read the poem as if there is a comma after the first line and the third, it makes sense, "never do you stop and think that the meat so tender and so yellowish pink was something that could once see and blink" but I think i just need to work on punctation lol!
Thank you so much :-) I like smileys too!



Honora says...


Ohh! That makes a lot more sense lol. Now that you point it out I can see it :)
And your welcome!!



User avatar
160 Reviews


Points: 4472
Reviews: 160

Donate
Tue Apr 02, 2019 3:23 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hi there!
Your friend, FireSpyGirl here to review! First off, I like this. Definitely mysterious, and it definitely is horrifying. You definitely leave room for a lot of theories and speculation. There is one sentence that I would change up a little bit:

"that the meat so tender and so yellowish pink"

To me, this line doesn't really tie in with the line above. I would do something like this:

"the meat so tender and so yellowish pink" Or "how would you know that the meat so tender and so yellowish pink."

However, this is just me. Looking forward to more!




4revgreen says...


thank you so much :-) I see what you mean about the line and I will take that into account. It made sense when I wrote it, aha :-D



FireSpyGirl says...


That happens to everyone. :)




"Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst."
— Castiel