Hiya!!
While it's not my strongsuit, poetry has been on my mind for a few days now. SO! Here I am.
The narrative of this piece is so well done. This is definitely an ode to a loved one died in battle, and I think you did a good job of portraying that level of grief in general. You've got a strong vocabulary shining through this piece. Some really strong words and descriptions used here that really stand out.
This is just an incredibly sad piece.
A whole verse dedicated to blaming his family history. Blaming herself/himself for not taking care of him yet coming to the conclusion that she/he did right by that.
The meter was a little clunky in places, so a fine-tooth comb at the end of your edits would do this piece well.
I think the only thing that stood out to me is how it ended. The piece started out as sadness watching a loved one die from the horrors of war. It really hit home. We even went through different stages of grief, which was kinda neat and probably unintentional 'cause it didn't stand out like that. But if you think about it, that's what happened. They were sad, they were angry and blaming others, they blamed themselves, they accepted the outcome eventually, etc.
But yeah, the ending, particularly the last verse, felt wonky to me. I kinda see the direction it's going, but the beheading line solidified my confusion. It could almost just be deleted completely for me. The one before it was so much more powerful. I'd take a look at that one and see what can be done to make that one a goosebumpy finish for the reader. A piece like this deserves something a bit stronger at the finish!
Beautiful piece. Keep up the good work!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
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