Young Writers Society

E - Everyone


by 4revgreen

“I did try to sustain some normalcy

first I tended to his wounds harmlessly

but when he moved on to much warmer seas

I feared there was not much chance left for me

His days grew shorter as mine grew longer

his mind did grow weak as mine grew stronger

I tried to stay but his days were numbered

I was weary of his growing hunger

nights would pass, echoing his hiraeth dreams

I could do nothing but listen to screams

the terror had now poisoned his bloodstream

I feel his horror was stored in his genes

it was only then when we neared the end

that I had begun to forget to tend

to his wounds and I regretfully send

my sincere heart, I hope we can amend

with you for a father he was sure doomed

the inevitable fate that did loom

family history that hides in tombs

great great grandfathers that had the same wounds

i'm sorry that I had to be the one

that did tell you of the death of your son

but death's better than what he would become

because I knew for sure he would not run

maybe I did do for him what is best

for now he can die and sleep with the rest

sound in his coffin, one of the best dressed

wearing on his chest, the family crest

power and pride had stripped him down to bone

at least he did not have to die alone

at least we could then bring his body home

at least he is not buried on his own

maybe he did not die a noble way

his name wont be engraved and on display

and perhaps that is to your own dismay

perhaps you will go away and now pray

pray for his name to be honoured once more

pray that heaven has not yet closed it's doors

pray that he did become the commodore

pray for his unjust, and untimely gore

so this I will say before you again

I left his body out there in the rain

I know all I get from you is disdain

I cannot rid my hands of his bloodstains

but in this world of only black and white

where your instincts do tell you to take flight

I did not have the strength to stay and fight

so please just behead me now, if you might.”

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1464 Reviews

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Tue Apr 02, 2019 12:49 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...


While it's not my strongsuit, poetry has been on my mind for a few days now. SO! Here I am.

The narrative of this piece is so well done. This is definitely an ode to a loved one died in battle, and I think you did a good job of portraying that level of grief in general. You've got a strong vocabulary shining through this piece. Some really strong words and descriptions used here that really stand out.

This is just an incredibly sad piece.

A whole verse dedicated to blaming his family history. Blaming herself/himself for not taking care of him yet coming to the conclusion that she/he did right by that.

The meter was a little clunky in places, so a fine-tooth comb at the end of your edits would do this piece well.

I think the only thing that stood out to me is how it ended. The piece started out as sadness watching a loved one die from the horrors of war. It really hit home. We even went through different stages of grief, which was kinda neat and probably unintentional 'cause it didn't stand out like that. But if you think about it, that's what happened. They were sad, they were angry and blaming others, they blamed themselves, they accepted the outcome eventually, etc.

But yeah, the ending, particularly the last verse, felt wonky to me. I kinda see the direction it's going, but the beheading line solidified my confusion. It could almost just be deleted completely for me. The one before it was so much more powerful. I'd take a look at that one and see what can be done to make that one a goosebumpy finish for the reader. A piece like this deserves something a bit stronger at the finish!

Beautiful piece. Keep up the good work!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

4revgreen says...

wow thank you so much!
I will take what you said about the ending into account- I don't particularly like the last stanza either so I probably will delete it.
But honestly thank you so much, this gave me such a big smile :-)

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21 Reviews

Points: 829
Reviews: 21

Mon Apr 01, 2019 11:15 pm
starchaser wrote a review...

Hello! I really enjoyed your poem. Kudos on making a good rhyming scheme!

"perhaps you will go away and now pray" I personally believe that the word "now" is not necessary.

"his name wont be engraved and on display" It should be "won't". I think that the "and" should be changed to an "or".

"pray that heaven has not yet closed it's doors" It should be "its".

Otherwise, this is an intriguing piece! I hope to see more like this!

4revgreen says...

Thank you! My grammar is not the best.
I only included the now because every line is 10 syllables

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136 Reviews

Points: 152
Reviews: 136

Mon Apr 01, 2019 11:11 pm
Anma says...

This is great 4evergreen

I love the style of the poem, and the emotion really comes out of it!!
I hope to read more from you!!

4revgreen says...

thank you :-)

He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart