“I did try to sustain some normalcy
first I tended to his wounds harmlessly
but when he moved on to much warmer seas
I feared there was not much chance left for me
His days grew shorter as mine grew longer
his mind did grow weak as mine grew stronger
I tried to stay but his days were numbered
I was weary of his growing hunger
nights would pass, echoing his hiraeth dreams
I could do nothing but listen to screams
the terror had now poisoned his bloodstream
I feel his horror was stored in his genes
it was only then when we neared the end
that I had begun to forget to tend
to his wounds and I regretfully send
my sincere heart, I hope we can amend
with you for a father he was sure doomed
the inevitable fate that did loom
family history that hides in tombs
great great grandfathers that had the same wounds
i'm sorry that I had to be the one
that did tell you of the death of your son
but death's better than what he would become
because I knew for sure he would not run
maybe I did do for him what is best
for now he can die and sleep with the rest
sound in his coffin, one of the best dressed
wearing on his chest, the family crest
power and pride had stripped him down to bone
at least he did not have to die alone
at least we could then bring his body home
at least he is not buried on his own
maybe he did not die a noble way
his name wont be engraved and on display
and perhaps that is to your own dismay
perhaps you will go away and now pray
pray for his name to be honoured once more
pray that heaven has not yet closed it's doors
pray that he did become the commodore
pray for his unjust, and untimely gore
so this I will say before you again
I left his body out there in the rain
I know all I get from you is disdain
I cannot rid my hands of his bloodstains
but in this world of only black and white
where your instincts do tell you to take flight
I did not have the strength to stay and fight
so please just behead me now, if you might.”
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Hiya!!
While it's not my strongsuit, poetry has been on my mind for a few days now. SO! Here I am.
The narrative of this piece is so well done. This is definitely an ode to a loved one died in battle, and I think you did a good job of portraying that level of grief in general. You've got a strong vocabulary shining through this piece. Some really strong words and descriptions used here that really stand out.
This is just an incredibly sad piece.
A whole verse dedicated to blaming his family history. Blaming herself/himself for not taking care of him yet coming to the conclusion that she/he did right by that.
The meter was a little clunky in places, so a fine-tooth comb at the end of your edits would do this piece well.
I think the only thing that stood out to me is how it ended. The piece started out as sadness watching a loved one die from the horrors of war. It really hit home. We even went through different stages of grief, which was kinda neat and probably unintentional 'cause it didn't stand out like that. But if you think about it, that's what happened. They were sad, they were angry and blaming others, they blamed themselves, they accepted the outcome eventually, etc.
But yeah, the ending, particularly the last verse, felt wonky to me. I kinda see the direction it's going, but the beheading line solidified my confusion. It could almost just be deleted completely for me. The one before it was so much more powerful. I'd take a look at that one and see what can be done to make that one a goosebumpy finish for the reader. A piece like this deserves something a bit stronger at the finish!
Beautiful piece. Keep up the good work!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
wow thank you so much!
I will take what you said about the ending into account- I don't particularly like the last stanza either so I probably will delete it.
But honestly thank you so much, this gave me such a big smile
Hello! I really enjoyed your poem. Kudos on making a good rhyming scheme!
"perhaps you will go away and now pray" I personally believe that the word "now" is not necessary.
"his name wont be engraved and on display" It should be "won't". I think that the "and" should be changed to an "or".
"pray that heaven has not yet closed it's doors" It should be "its".
Otherwise, this is an intriguing piece! I hope to see more like this!
Thank you! My grammar is not the best.
I only included the now because every line is 10 syllables
This is great 4evergreen
I love the style of the poem, and the emotion really comes out of it!!
I hope to read more from you!!
thank you