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Poem I wrote in y10 for competition

by 4revgreen


(This was written last year for a competition named "truth or dare" when you had to write about either a shocking truth or something daring and I chose truth. This was published in an anthology and I just found it. It's more like a spoken word piece like Kate Tempest makes, made to be spoken over music. It's not the best, oof)

Let me tell you the truth about the world

Where you are supposed to call this life a living?

Minimum wage, half the world too fat, half the world too thin,

Men still dominating women?

Innocent children being blown to pieces

In a country we all wish to have peace with?

.

Patriotism?

What’s that?

Who are you kidding?

I have no respect for the United Kingdom

Our country might be called Great,

But we sure do have a lot to hate

.

With a Government that cares more about privatisation 

Than it does saving lives in its own nation

The next time you get your free health check, 

Remember all the people whom our bombs have blown up,

And the next time you drive to school,

Remember how far those kids have to trek just to get an education that you have a right to,

.

And the next time you complain that you’re hungry,

Think about all the emaciated children,

Famine struck villages with little to no source of food

You claim that your passionate and that you really do care, 

But you can’t love into a vacuum.

.

How many times a day do you pray for them?

Do you ever think of actually helping them soon?

Close your eyes

Picture yourself

Sat peacefully at home with your parents when BOOM

A single noise ruins your whole life

.

The next time you pay the bills for your private healthcare

Remember how lucky you are to live in such a blissfully ignorant country

Where true violence is rare


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Sun Jun 16, 2019 9:35 am
JJDodd says...



Nice man. I liked how you compared our life in Britain to other countries where there is hard conflict. Most people take this type of stuff for granted and this is a good wake up call. Most of us are so lucky to live in wealthy countries and don't have to witness famine or see children getting blown up and most of us still complain about silly things like being hungry when people are literally starving. Really made me think twice man keep it up.




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Fri Jun 14, 2019 5:55 am
ToxicAnglerFish wrote a review...



This poem is okay if I'm going, to be honest. The poem to me sort of feels all over the place when it's talking about the injustices of the world. I feel like it jumps around with too many subjects making it hard to follow for me at least. I feel like it can improve you make this poem just a little more general? It's okay to mention certain things like poverty, bombings, etc, but when you have subjects like government, hate, etc, I feel like you can make those things more detailed or even their own poems. I also feel like this poem could have at least a flow to it because it feels like more of a demanding statement over an actual poem. The reason why I didn't mention having a rhyme scheme is that not all poems have to have a rhyme to them like the other reviewers wrote but at least the poem should have a flow to it. The final thing about this poem is it feels sort of mean? I know it's talking about the real world problems many unprivileged people are facing but saying things like "When you complain about being hungry" or "Ignorant Country" feel sort of mean and while yes I'm aware people are really ungrateful it should be phrased differently to sound serious still but not sound almost angry? It's okay to be angry about issues like these but its better get your point across to where people might not feel insulted.

Hope I was able to help!




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Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:27 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, 4Revgreen. Casanova here to do a review for you, so let's get to it.

I agree with the reviewer below me whenever I say that I think that this poem has a lot of potential, but I do think there are a few things you could work on.

For me, and a lot of others, a poem doesn't have to rhyme for one thing. When I read this, I was trying to take it serious, but with the way the rhyme scheme was, it kept reminding me of Dr. Sues. Now, that's a good thing in it's own right, but I am assuming that is not what you were going for.

The next thing is your imagery/your content in general. In this poem you use literal formats with a lot of what seems like anger and confusion. And I completely understand that, but I also think that you could touch this up with a lot more than that. You're asking a lot of questionings and stating a lot of things (and I usually never say this about a poem) but I think this would go good with some "I" statements. Not the bland grocery lists ones, no, but rather one's that are heart felt and personal- some you relate to and the rest of us can relate to.

Another thing that I would steer clear from would be something you did at the beginning- switching from one image straight to another with no context. It seemed like a bucket list of things you hate, and didn't really make me feel for the singular characters incorporated here at all. I think if you took time to describe certain situations instead of going through your list, you would get a lot better emotional reaction than you would by telling people to "imagine" things that they've probably already seen.

Anyway hope this helped-

Cas




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Thu Jun 13, 2019 6:35 pm
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silvermoon17 wrote a review...



I think this poem has a loooooot of potential, and although metaphors/similes/imagery/.. is almost completely absent, we get the message. I mean, yeah; sure we get it- but maybe more comparison and description would’ve given more value to your poem. The fact you jump from different injustices and different forms of self hate/race hate, is pretty original- though some of the things, you rushed things too much (patriotism’s part, for example) while you could’ve explored much more in depth. The short, clean cut sentences show the simple, yet so complex sentences that describe all these things you talk about. So, my points; description, comparions and more details- that’s basically it. But since it’s old.. I can understand..





If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France