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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey, Ally here for a review!
To start off with, the poem has such a strong first stanza that immediately draws the reader in. I absolutely love this poem. It is so strong, and each sentence has a lot of emotion packed into it. Especially the line "Don't you think my veins deserve better blood?" I also liked stating that the person was home, not the house they lived in. I think that made this poem even more relatable, at least relatable to me. Overall, great job. Keep it up and I can't wait to see what else you write!
Hey there, Retro here for a review.
So to start off this is fantastic. Having a quick glance through some of your other works you have a really interesting mastery of form. Like you almost dragged my eyes out with the character so truly adds to the arc. Very few poets can do this successfully so brava.
On the actual content of the poem, it feels almost snow-blobe esque in that you're letting us in on a mini-moment that the narrator will be trapped in forever. It's not grand or bold, but you can feel the hurricane. I think this ties nicely in with your form, because it shows a lot of control - like this story could go on and on forever. Added to even more by us being written in bold - like the anger there!
Also I hope you gave yourself a pat of the back for "who swing from the trees just reminds//to shut the door" because wow what I line. Although as a small not pick I would potentially change it to "who swim from the trees that just remind me" as to me it seems more visceral but that's truly just an artistic license point of view.
Overall this is a masterpiece, and I thank you for writing it.
Keep writing,
~Retro
Thank you so much! I think you're right in saying that swim would fit better, but the idea i was trying to portray was his open mouth was hanging the way that thieves used to be hanged from trees, but maybe I didn't get that understanding across.
Omg so sorry a typo on my part! The swing part.i love! I meant the end of the sentence -who swing from trees that just remind me
oh i see! the rest of your suggestion does actually work much better, my bad aha