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Should we still pray?

by 4revgreen


Do you hear me cry?

.

Sometimes I look beyond your cries

and stare behind your bright blue eyes

which is where I assume you fantasise

about our life after this biblical flood

about our life that will end with blood

.

But who's blood?

.

Is it that you are doubting this still?

And what deep pit of hunger that this will fill?

And who's life will be ended when we do kill?

How far will we have to run?

until we are under some distant and foreign sun?

.

But which sun?

.

At night I hear you screaming out

your voice growing hoarse from each sore shout

are you no longer feeling devout?

Are you starting to get cold feet?

About who we are inevitably going to meet?

.

But who will we meet?

.

Killing must feel good to God too

murder and sin and every taboo

what dark places his mind must run through

when he chooses what we deserve today

smiting the ones who do nothing but pray

.

Should we still pray?


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Points: 108
Reviews: 2

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Sun Apr 14, 2019 9:43 pm
Dusk666 says...



It's really good except for the fact that i was reading it out loud and got really tongue tied cause I'm a dip. I loved it and would most likely recommend it to my friends if I had any.....



GREAT JOB!!!!!




4revgreen says...


I was gonna say "I'll be your friend" but then you'd just be recommending my own poem to me lmao. But Thank you so much!



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111 Reviews


Points: 1404
Reviews: 111

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Sat Apr 13, 2019 7:25 pm
Anma wrote a review...



Hello @4revgreen

Wow, this is really good!

I love the name you have for it, it really attracted me to read it.
There are a few grammar errors but there not that bad.
I have to say i was very impressed by this poem. It said a lot, and the words really flowed amazingly. The emotion in it was good. The way you put it actually gave me imagery too.

You did wonderful!

Keep up the good work!

Sincerely
Anma




4revgreen says...


thank you!



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37 Reviews


Points: 1634
Reviews: 37

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Sat Apr 13, 2019 1:44 pm
Louisiana15 wrote a review...



Hello! Louisiana here for a review! I found this very moving...

First, I noticed spelling error: "fantasize" rather than "fantasise" in the first 5-line stanza.

Next, I think you should be constant in what you capitalize and leave lowercase--it sometimes can be very distracting for readers who notice the smallest things...like me... lol

I love how you use the last word of the previous stanza to form the next question. It really shifts this narrative poem beautifully. But, I would like to point out that for me, the poem as a whole seems a little disconnected with the huge shifts. If one takes each question and stanza separately, it really is beautiful, but when shifting it just seems to me like it is leaping--but it could just be me.

I think your strongest stanza--because I couldn't really find a stanza that I found considerably weak--would probably be the last one. It brings the poem to a beautiful close and your diction truly was skillfully picked. Not big vocabulary, but everyday words that follow with a punch to the gut for the context. Also, the final stanza really does bring the whole poem together, so bravo on that.

Again, a really nice poem and very moving! Keep writing!

Louisiana




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much! I think word autocorrects everthing to the american spelling which is really annoying as I'm british so I will go back and change it to fantasise. Thank you again :-)



Louisiana15 says...


Ahhhhhh. Okay! My pleasure!




"The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein