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vomiting doubts

by 4revgreen



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369 Reviews


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Wed May 12, 2021 2:17 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi there 4revgreen! I'm just gonna jump straight into a review for you c:


Overall impressions

This is one of those poems where I find it starts kind of subtle and builds up sneakily to an ending where you're like "ohhhhhhhh" — which happens to be one of my favourite type of poems! Like if I'm being honest, at first when I was reading the first stanza I was like "meh, there's nothing wrong with it but it's not that exciting" and BOY do I disagree with my first impression after finishing the poem. Sure, on its own, the first stanza is maybe not super exciting — but the way you twist the perspective and wording of it in the last stanza is just asdlgkasdfhljk *chef's kiss* And once I realized how the poem reflects itself (both in formatting and content), I think the simplicity and unassuming-ness of the language was actually the perfect choice for this poem.


Structure

Like I mentioned above, I love the formatting you used for this poem -> not only how it works its way across the page from left to right, but also how the line lengths of the first and last stanza are more or less a reflection of each other. And on top of this, you repeat sentence structure in these stanzas as well, which for me is what creates that "ohhhhh" moment! I find the contrast of "Then static" and "Then nothing" to be a really striking image to end the poem on — usually I think we imagine static as being nothing itself? just a broken signal that can't convey any meaning. But here, the fact that you're painting "static" and "nothing" as more or less opposite is really cool to me! I personally interpret it as meaning "static", the loud noisy something that is caused by broken connections, might hold less meaning than the silence and void of an intense "nothing".

One suggestion/idea I had regarding formatting was the formatting of the two centre stanzas. The 2nd stanza has a formatting of "medium line / long line / short line" -> I think it'd be neat if the 3rd stanza had a formatting of "short line / long line / medium line" to keep the pattern of reflection going. Something like "Hers / Would be promising: not / Here, not now." Obviously this would place emphasis on different words so you'd want to consider if that still has the effect you were intending — at the end of the day, totally up to you and just something you could consider playing around with :)


Miscellaneous

One thing I found curious re: capitalization is that you chose to capitalize the title in lowercase, but the poem itself has the first letter of each line capitalized. Definitely not a huge deal or anything, I just would've expected the title to be written as "Vomiting doubts" or something like that (or even "vomiting Doubts." if you were taking it straight out of the poem).

I do adore the line breaks you used in the last stanza, especially "My eyes greet the back of her / Neck. A harsh undressing" -> I like how "My eyes greet the back of her" could be its own phrase but then "Neck." on the next layer adds some more specificity and meaning !!


Overall this was a fun, interesting, and honestly just very satisfying poem to read! I hope this review is useful for ya, and if you've got any questions about anything I brought up feel free to ask ^^

Keep writing,

whatcha




4revgreen says...


thank you so much for the review! it really means a lot!! <3 especially all the helpful criticism!! tysm



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Mon May 10, 2021 11:42 pm
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legendarycomputerpoetry wrote a review...



Hello!

First of all, the formatting of this poem is perfect! I like when writers utilize the spacing on documents to further drive home the message they had written. The language in this poem is brash, unflinching. You don't beat around the bush, nor do you dress a sentence with pretty words. Every word has a purpose in this poem.

The contrasting phrases: "It's like she sees me, but she doesn't." and "It's like she no longer sees me, but she does." are two examples of what it feels like for each person in any same situation to think about the other. I did have to read this through a few times to be sure I understood the poem as best as I could.

This is not a bad thing! I appreciate your succinct verbiage. Great job!

LCP ✻




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much! It really means a lot! <3




You sound like you're becoming emotionally involved with the custard.
— Nikki Morgan