(I wrote this at school today, as I'm so close to graduating from secondary school [14th june is my last exam i think] and i realised I never really felt right at the school. It has a lot of hidden meanings and sounds better if you read it out loud. It's meant to be a little bit of a mouthful lol)
five years
.
My tick tick ticking time here was funnily not fun
Not in any slightly (very) misshapen shape or fully functioning form
I cried at many and most (all) Monday morning murders, Sunday's slaughter nights
Dreadful! I dreadfully dreaded the daily sickly school hit and run
.
I bet that not a singular student (any single one of you teachers)- none of you- any of you!
Could ever once willingly name something substantial that I like, love, laugh about
Something about my personal (private) personality that people pursue to know
Anyone? Anything? Anything that I can do? Are you all dead and deaf too?
.
Well, who and what am I? You useless lot usually (always) ask
Well, who? Somehow, sometimes (always) I don't know either
Teasingly, I was tellingly told that this was the time to finally find out
Me, a someone? A somewhat, somehow, useless and tasteless task
.
Most stupid students still definitely don't know my own namely name
I gradually came to guess that they just don't remember to remember
Or they just never (never ever) justified the needy need to know it anyway
Please! Putting, pulling, pulverising their ethical 'ethos' to silent shame
.
Funnily (hilariously) enough, from easy eleven to somehow sixteen years
I never (not once!) fully felt as though I (never believed that I) belonged to blue
Kept pulling, picking and pinching at each hurting, healing scabbed red raw scab
Concerning! Convincingly convinced the place never learns from what each ear hears
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140,106 Literary Works • 673,010 Reviews
this is my favourite poem of yours, I remember you writing this !
you must also remember those five, longgggg years queen
Hi! First of all, your alliteration was both beautiful and silly at the same time. It gave such a whimsical tone to such a relatable topic. I love the meter of it all. Also, your rhyme scheme was really cool. I liked how you only rhymed the first and last lines. This helped the lines in between flow so well together. Another thing is that your words in parentheses were really fun. It added something great to the whole piece, honestly. I think the only thing that I would critique is the use of punctuation. I feel like your poem could really benefit from it. But it still is really nice how it is. Overall, I just really liked your poem and I can't wait to see more from you!
~Avery <3
Thank you so much! I have added punctuation to my word document copy as that is something a lot of people have picked out! So I know that's something I need to work on
Hello 4Ever
Wow, this is really amazing! Your really good. The words really flowed well. And your grammar and everything is fairly well. The emotion in this is really good, and you can tell its there.
I hope to read more!
Sincerly Anma
thank you so much! Oh, lol, just a thing, my username is actuatllt 4revgreen not 4ever!
Sorry! i shorten names!! Lol
Honestly? This is an extraordinary poem! You really did good when it came to sticking to this one tone and running with it (from what I could tell, it was a mix between isolation, grief, and frustration towards those who never wished to learn about you).
The rhyme scheme was peculiar, but in a good way, and there was plenty of repetition (I can definitely see how one might be tripped up while trying to read this out loud). Plus, the small interjections in parentheses added a lot to the poem, and helped with making it feel like it was meant to be read aloud. While a bit of punctuation would be helpful at the end of each line, that is really the only advice I can give here. Keep writing, you're doing great!
thank you so much! A lot have people have said about the punctuation so that is definitely something I will work on!
This is great! You've done a fantastic job of capturing how your school atmosphere fosters loneliness and isolation.
I'm not certain how to read the words you have in parentheses and italics. Looking at it, to me it seems to break up the flow of the words as I read them. I think you were going for an implication that you were saying one thing and realizing it was different from what you said, but it was hard to understand, because it sounded like a thought within what was already a first-person perspective.
I would also recommend putting a period after the last line of each verse.
In the line:
"Please! Putting, pulling, pulverising their ethical 'ethos' to silent shame,"
I didn't understand what you were trying to say. I can't seem to make sense of this sentence.
Overall, this is great! It really shows what you feel about this place and how you feel leaving it. Very nicely done!
toboldlygo
Thank you so much!
oh, and with the thing about the parentheses, I'll try to explain: Basically, it's meant to be read out loud, and it's something you'd say in a different tone of voice or under your breath. It's specifically meant to be a spoken piece so it doesn't read the best on paper. It's like you said; saying one thing but actually you mean another. I hope that helps
Hello! I’m here to review your poem. I actually liked this poem because it was different, and I also don’t really belong at my school. You’re right, it’s a lot better out loud. On paper it might read a little awkward, but it’s really powerful when you actually say and listen to the words. I liked the fact that you had to actually think about the lines, and you could discern and pick out what they meant to you. That was pretty cool.
The only real critique I’m going to give you for this is your punctuation, meaning, you have to add commas and periods and such to the end of your sentences. This is so that it will flow a little bit easier. This gave me a mad hatter kind of feel, cause of the language you used Lol.
I also liked that it didn’t really follow a particular rhyming scheme, you just rhymed whenever you wanted. And although it gives a chaotic sort of feel, I think that chaos works for this poem.
Overall, this was a really enjoyable poem with different takes and meaning! It’s unique and true in a lot of ways. Well anyyyywayyysss, that will be it from me. Keep writing! :3
-Alice
Thank you so much!