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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hello!
Okay, so this is absolutely excellent and I love the graphic behind it and just the way that you set up the "world" for us to read this poem by setting a tone outside of just what your words say. It's not going to be effective every time for every poem to have a graphic like that, but it absolutely nailed the vibe for this poem.
I want to give you some solid constructive criticism, but I also have to say that this is very well done. There's some really beautiful imagery here that stands out. Specifically,
and
these two lines are the standout stars of each of the stanzas. When you enter editing mode, I would use those lines as your anchor points and form the rest of the poem around it and see what happens. I'm not saying you should rewrite, because the rest of it is also very, very good— but I do think there are some places where you could really highlight these lines.
For example,
I would either a. continue with that imagery of trying to reach for something (rather than leaving). Or even introduce some type of motiff centered around finding something yourself, like she does in your room. A missing part of you that would help everything make sense. OR b. find a different way to end the stanza all together. The next stanza starts off super strong, but I think the two questions back to back almost feel a little too passive for me.
My other thought on this is concerned with the last two lines
I think this is a good, solid line. However, I think the two lines before it are the best lines of the poem and I'm wondering if a shifting in order or editing here would make the poem end on an even higher note than it already does. "but nowhere was the only place in my hands" is so good, and it could either be the last line of the whole poem, or the lead up to a last line that has a little more snap to it. It wasn't just a magic that was wanted. It was a mysterious something that was both internal and external. I would shift these two lines, because they definitely are important to your narrative, and I don't think you should get rid of them all together, to before the pretty dresses. Making it:
I do think you could add a little something to round it off, but this would be my suggestion for this stanza.
I've got one last little thing, which is a wording change.
I really do love this line as is, but this just kept noodling around in my brain while I was writing the review, so I had to get it out.
Excellent, excellent work! I look forward to reading more of yours in the future!
xo
Spark
Howdy hey! Gengar here to leave a review!
I was drawn to this poem from the cover art—I thought it was really pretty and the way it kind of looks like an old painting intrigued me.
I interpreted this poem as a girl trying to figure herself out. She tries to fit the expectation of being feminine and girly, but finds that she doesn’t really like those labels. This line is what made me think of this:
I liked the little doodles, but I think the far-away placement of the word “reach” threw me off. I understand it’s supposed to symbolize how she can’t figure herself out, but upon the first read I didn’t see the word “reach” because of how far away it was, and I spent a minute re-reading the line to make sure I was reading it right. I would suggest putting it a little closer to the rest of the poem.
Overall, I really liked this poem! Although, I find it sad that this is something many girls can relate to.
—GengarIsBestBoy
thank you for the review! and yeah i totally see what you mean about the word reach being wayyy too far away!
Hi there 4revgreen! I saw your wall post about wanting some constructive feedback on your most recent poems, so I thought I'd drop by to see what I could do ^^
The topic of this poem is definitely really relatable for a lot of people who grew up as girls. Growing into yourself is such an odd, elusive thing, and it's especially devastating when you don't grow into the expectations that other people have of you. You do a great job conveying that feeling of being stuck, confused, lost, disheartened - especially with the line "but nowhere was the only place in my hands". Love that. I also relate to this poem in terms of gender - expecting girly things (dresses, nail polish, long hair) to feel magical but then being disappointed by the reality of not fitting into that costume. I'm not sure if that's the direction you meant to take the poem; regardless, I think it's not at all a bad thing if a poem can be interpreted differently by different readers!
For the most part I found the poem to very coherent and easy to follow. This line, though, I'm not sure I understand:
What trips me up is the "if/then" logic. What does the tooth fairy's monthly visits have to do with the narrator wanting to leave? My best guess is that maybe the narrator is referring to how a tooth leaves her mouth every month, so why can't she be like her teeth and leave as well. But that isn't really what I think is being said in these two lines. Maybe I'm missing something obvious! But at least for me, this part of the poem is a point of confusion.
In terms of the little illustrations, I think they're super cute and match the theme of the poem! They're not at all gimmicky in my opinion, which can sometimes be a very fine line. I do feel like the purple wings don't quite match the style of the other doodles, though - nothing else is coloured in with blocks of colour, and nothing else has black details. Perhaps just doing a purple outline of fairy wings would match better?
Spoiler
^ Kind of like this, except the background would obviously be white and then the outline/details would all just be pastel purple. (This example is also a bit more detailed than what I was envisioning, but hopefully you get the general vibe!)
Speaking of the doodles, though, my favourite is the three teeth that progressively get bigger! It creates interesting visual movement in that part of the poem and is just really cute :')
Overall, this was a very enjoyable read. I hope this review proves useful - let me know if anything I said doesn't make sense, or you'd like me to give feedback on anything else I didn't cover!
Best,
Seirre
thank you so much for the feedback!
with the line 'if she could find herself in my room each month, new tooth,
new coin, then why couldn't I leave too?'
i think the message i wanted to portray was that i was always jealous the tooth fairy got to fly around, do whatever she wanted as she was magic, and as a child you can't really do that. But i think that line definitely needs refining, so thank you!
This is so pretty !!!
thank you! <3
I absolutely love this.
aww thank you! <3