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lover

by 4revgreen


(NaPo day 3 though I think this my fourth poem whoops) Every Line is 13 syllables, by the way!


he did not make me whatever it is that i am

he does not control whatever i do with my hands

he did not define whatever thoughts run through my mind

he does not dictate whatever words that i will find

he did not allow me to break free of this strong grasp

he does not stop me from completing this endless task

he did not speak when i told him my long lastiting aims

he does not participate in my intricate games

he did not stop me from becoming this fully fledged

he simply pushed me when i got too close to the edge


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Points: 165
Reviews: 46

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Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:37 pm
brookeallo wrote a review...



This is so good by far my favorite poem I have read on here. I loved every part of it and there is honestly nothing I could say for you to make it better. I really like the 13 syllables per line and the way you can feel emotion in this. It is very easy to connect to as a reader and comprehend which is a really good thing. I hope to see more poems in this kind of format.




4revgreen says...


cheers mate :-)



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122 Reviews


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Wed Apr 03, 2019 6:19 pm
Honora wrote a review...



Hi 4revgreen! :) Back for another review!
This is really good. I find it really captivating! It all flowed so well and I didn’t have to reread anything! I usually have to when it comes to poetry but that might be because I don’t have much of a poetry mind.
I think the message behind this is very good. Too many people blame God or Satan for their actions but they don’t realize that they did it all themselves. No one can make our decisions for us. Yes, they can nudge us in that direction (like your last line is saying) but they can’t force us to do anything. :) we just tend to blame someone else if it doesn’t go according to plan. Since God and Satan are both powerful, it tends to be them. Although, Satan in quite the persuader. ;)
This may not be what you were trying to get across but this is what I got from it. Good job! It is very truthful!
Your friend,
Honora




4revgreen says...


Thank you for your review!
And yeah, that was the message I was trying to get across :-) I'm not religious myself but it religion has always reaaalllyy interested me



Honora says...


I am quite religious. Not is a creepy way though XD I just believe in God, the Devil, Heaven and Hell. You know? If you ever want to ask me questions, just PM me! (No promises I'll be able to answer them all ;))



4revgreen says...


I might ask questions some day, as it kind of ties in with a story I'm writing :-)



Honora says...


Sounds good! :)



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86 Reviews


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Wed Apr 03, 2019 5:30 pm
TheMulticoloredCyr wrote a review...



Hey, hi hello. I'm going to try my best to review this piece of yours, but a quick disclaimer before I do, I'm not super experienced with poetry or anything, so take my words with a grain of salt. M'kay, now that that's out of the way, let's get into it.

I love how you went with an AA BB CC (and so on) rhyming pattern, or rhyme scheme, or whatever it's called (I haven't taken a proper writing class since...I think sixth grade? Maybe? Whatever). Whatever it's called, it added a bit more interest to the poem as a whole, so well done there.

My only real criticism would be how you occasionally used words with more syllables or even unneeded words in places that broke up the flow a little bit. But that's just a nitpick, at the end of the day it was still a pretty good poem and I enjoyed reading it.

And with that, goodbye and happy writing!




4revgreen says...


Thank you for the review :-)
I know what you mean about the syllables but I tried to make every line 13 syllables so had to add in some extra ones :-)




I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope