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For once in my life

by 4revgreen


(I have no idea what to call this, I just wrote it whilst I was free at college)

For once in my life I feel

free, able to roam with no

restrictions and able to fit

in with no labels, no sign

above my head saying i'm

not the same as you

because now no-one is the

same, no one is confined

by strict uniform policies

or by locked fences and

authority figures saying i'm

better than you

of course we still have rules

and of course we still have

restrictions and health and safety

but those who are in charge

are always saying i'm here to

help you

not i'm here to tell you what

to do.


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78 Reviews


Points: 4262
Reviews: 78

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Mon Oct 28, 2019 10:57 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey! Interesting work here. I see you've portrayed a contrast between high school/elementary school and college. Your words give the reader something to ponder. In a way, college is a place of freedom, sort of like a fresh start, a blank sheet of paper. I think that this concept is debatable, because no matter where a person goes, there are always people forming opinions about them, as well as individuals who will exert an attitude of superiority. But you've shown your opinion, and that makes it unique.

I'm going to give a little constructive criticism. You have used little to no capitalization and punctuation. Putting forth the effort to include these important elements will make your work more readable and, I feel, more professional appearing. It also clearly defines the message you're attempting to convey.

That's all for now! Keep up the good work!




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much for the feedback! I will take that into account :-)



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Sun Oct 27, 2019 12:41 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there - here to review!
My first suggestion is to throw a proper title on this, a title sets the tone for the entire piece and try as I might not to judge a book by its cover, when the title is nonexistent or deragatory of the work I tend not to think of the poem as a final draft, which doesn't let me take the poem as seriously. Even using the first line "for once in my life" is better than no title.

That said, this poem isn't quite written in the classic "stream of conciousness" way that usually has a bit more randomness and emotionally charged/driven - this is emotional but is more description/conflict & solution driven.

Line breaks felt a bit random, its perfectly alright to break up a line mid phrase for effecr but make sure whatever word you're ending on is the most powerful hitting one of the options [ie. not "the", or "have") - there's no plot connected purpose for stilted flow in this piece, so I would try to move the line breaks to end of phrases rather than midphrase, or at least end on more significant words.

Lastly, I think the poems strength is its clarity - its perfectly clear to see what this poem is about and I'm sure many can connect to this description of transition. You could use a bit more playfullness and creativity in the writing like by elevating word choice & adding in some metaphor for the new found freedom. This would make the poem have more impact.

Best,

alliyah




4revgreen says...


thank you very much for the review :-)




I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2