Echoes of Summer

Hey there, 4revgreen! This is Alex, here for a review. I was reading some works on Summer for this contest and came across yours. I know this is a rather old work and you've already gotten some great feedback you were looking for, but I thought I'd let you know my thoughts on it as well now that I'm here. All of it will be my own speculation and opinions, so feel free to overrule.

I must start with the majestic title, it's such a simple yet lovely collection of words, pulling in the reader instantly. I'm amazed with how effortlessly it relates to the poem and captures its very gist. A great choice for a title indeed!

I feel the poem is best analysed by comparing the differences in the two stanzas side by side.

Starting with the hair and eyes-

In the summer, my hair would go strawberry blonde,
my eyes a milky blue.
But come winter, my hair would darken,
and my eyes would fade.

I would wear long, flowing dresses,
and put flowers in my hair.
The flowers would shrivel up and die,
Like the ideas I left behind.

smiling at the birds and the bees.
In the summer I could breathe,
My smile stayed in the forest,
and remained there until the sun came out again.
The only laughter you could hear in winter
were the distant and secluded echoes of summer.

I would talk to the trees,
Like old friends I never had.
and listen to The Smiths as I sat and wrote stories,
from dusk until dawn.

my eyes a milky blue. (Sounds very melodious to me, so perfect!)
I would talk to the trees,
Like old friends I never had. (Great imagery with simple wording, keep this)
Like the ideas I left behind. (Just sounds too good, reason I can't point out )

My hair would turn strawberry blonde
Under the bright summer Sun
my eyes a milky blue.
{I think the syllable pattern looks better this way, even if a bit unconventional}

My long dresses flowed as waves
and flowers adorned my tresses/braids (whichever you prefer or fits better with your vision)
{I felt like the first line could do with cutting off a little baggage and use a little more imagery. Also, repetition of the word hair set me off so I've got a few alternates which I believe fit better}

and listen to The Smiths talk all day
As I'd sit and write stories throughout the night
{Initial lines felt misplaced and unnecessarily lengthy, I think chopping it this way works better than before}

My smile would stay inside the forest,
and remain; until the sun came out again.
{The tense contradicted in this part, so this is it corrected}

Hi There!
I'm here for a review.
Mine will be shorter, since as far as I see, the reviewers below have given great, extensive feedback.

Besides the really beautiful pictures you paint with words, I could also hear sounds.
Great idea to bring music into the picture and the Smiths are a perfect match.
I love it. It's the best thing I read in a while.

Thank you.

Hi 4revgreen!

I love how simple and minimal this poem is - it lets me focus on the sweet imagery and the lovely flow. I especially enjoyed the descriptions in the last four lines,

My smile stayed in the forest,

and remained there until the sun came out again.

The only laughter you could hear in winter

were the distant and secluded echoes of summer.

My smile stayed in the forest,

and remained there until the sun came out again.

and my eyes would fade.

The only laughter you could hear in winter

were the distant and secluded echoes of summer.

Hey there!
Like IconspicuoslyAlpacaing said, this is quite a lovely poem, especially when you haven't written in months. I enjoyed your imagery in descriptions. The contrasts between summer and winter worked really well. I think my two favourite lines are "The only laughter you could hear in winter/were the distant and secluded echoes of summer." You did a really lovely job with this poem! I have a few things I'd like to mention. These are just suggestions, so please feel free to ignore if you don't agree!

The first thing I'd like to mention is capitalization. Usually, you capitalize the beginning of every sentence/the first word after the period. But then there are two instances where you just end up capitalizing the first word of the line. I'll quote them below

I would talk to the trees,

Like old friends I never had.

The flowers would shrivel up and die,

Like the ideas I left behind.

The only laughter you could hear in winter

I would wear long, flowing dresses,

and put flowers in my hair.

I would talk to the trees,

Like old friends I never had.

And run through the forests,

In the summer I could breathe,

and listen to The Smiths as I sat and wrote stories,

My smile stayed in the forest,

and remained there until the sun came out again.

Greetings and salutations, friend! I have come for reviewing purposes.

For the first poem you've written in a while, this is absolutely wonderful. The imagery is extremely effective, and gave me a clear and vivid idea of the picture you were painting. As for the structure, the only thing I feel the need to point out is the difference in length between your two stanzas. I'm not sure if that was supposed to hold any kind of significance to the subject of the poem (i.e. The winter stanza is shorter because it feels like summer was ripped away from the narrator in no time at all), but if it doesn't, it's just a little distracting. As for the nitpick-y stuff, in the line 'In the summer I could breath,' 'breath' should be spelt 'breathe', but that's the only spelling/grammatical error I could find. Kudos to you for this amazing poem!

Hope this was helpful

- Alpacas