z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Sidney's Children

by Pinkiegirl13


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

[Notice: This is the first story I wrote last year. I printed it and showed it to my classmate which they said it is very good. I let you guys read it.]

Jessica P.O.V:

As a writer and director, my brother, Harry, and I wrote a play called Responsible Mum. It was complete success and became number one play on the chart in London. Because of Harry’s talent as a comedian, it became the best comedy sitcom in history. The producers want our play to become a movieso everyone will laugh with joy. Actually, it is a part of our plan for Mother’s Day. It is our mother’s gift, so we planned it on Mother’s Day. Another part of other plan is seeing her at Los Angeles. However, our plan started to fall apart when our plane delayed.

At the airport, Jessica and Harry walked to the woman with their pass ports. They want to go Los Angeles to meet their mum before Mother’s Day. However, the woman told them some bad news.

"Oh, sorry, mate. We see that your plane was delayed about an hour ago." explained the woman.

"What?! That’s absurd. We thought it will take off at 10:36." replied Jessica.

"Well, it took off at 9:12. You have to wait for two days."

"But that day is Mother’s Day. We have to see our mum before that day."

"Sorry, I can’t help you. You have to stay here till the plane comes."

Jessica left the front desk as Harry followed her. Jessica was so pissed and furious that she doesn’t get to see her mum again. Her mother is a wonderful person who takes care of her and Harry and Jessica only care about. She wants to scream in front of these people till Harry tried to comfort her by calming her down.

"Sis, calm down. The plane will come back soon." said Harry as he follows her.

“Come on, Harry, you know that two day will be Mother’s Day. How the hell I bloody calm down for it to come back? I want to see our mother, Harry!” yelled Jessica as she didn’t look at Harry. She was about to cry, but she didn’t show it. She continues to walk out as Harry catch up to her.

“Jessica, I know you are depressed and I am too. I want to see our mother also. Her bright smile and beautiful personalities. But…we need to stay here for our plane arrives. I bet she will watch us from a long distance. From London to Los Angeles…”

Jessica turned around and saw Harry’s face. It was a full of happiness and valiant. Jessica felt her tears on her cheeks. Then, she started to cry. Harry ran to her and gave her a hug.

“Just want to our mum’s face…with happiness and proud.” sodded Jessica as she lay on Harry’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, Jessica. Right now, we need to call mum for tell her Mother’s Day and we going to meet her on Mother’s Day. Okay?” said Harry.

Jessica nodded ‘yes’.

Sidney P.O.V:

In Los Angeles, I was in my house with friends. All I want is comfort and to chatwith someone. I want my children to be with me. However, my friends told me about things that I will never tell my children. I do want to tell them the truth, but they will be angry and never talk to me again. I think it is best to keep it a secret.

“Sidney, you need to tell them that you have other youngsters out there. They are their brothers and sisters!” shouted Trixie.

“I do want to tell them, but they won’t forgive me. You know they hate liars,” replied Sidney.

“But two days will be Mother’s Day. What happens if your other children came to see you? Or what happens if Jessica and Harry met their long-lost siblings that they never seen. You got to tell them, luv,” explained Jamie.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t!” yelled Sidney in angrily.

“Like you did Stephen Merchant and never told your parents about it. That’s why you can’t?” reclaimed David.

Sidney stared at him with shock. Then, David added more to this explanation. “Sidney, you did many guys after you two break up. You did this, and you did that. And you got pregnant by those guys. All of your children are fairies, gnomes, robots, and even ordinary people like Jessica and Harry. So if your children meet you when Jessica and Harry come, don’t tell them lies anymore. If you do, you will be screwed. Understand?”

Sidney glazed at Davis’s eyes and everyone else. Then, she answered his question.

“Y-“

Sidney was silenced by phone ringing. She got up and answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, mum. It’s me, Jessica.” said Jessica on the phone.

“Jessica, how are you? Are you coming to see your best mum in the world?”

“Sorry, mum. Our plane was delayed and need to stay here for two days. So that’s why I’m calling you.”

“Oh, I hope you and your brother come back here to make my smile.”

“Don’t worry; it will be on BCC at Mother’s Day. It is gift for you by being great mother.”

“Sweetheart, I’m-“

“Moving? I know. Well, see you at Mother’s Day. We are the only ones who will be there with you.”

“No, wait! I-“

Before Sidney get to say anything, the phone is already hang up. She was scared and fears that David’s words will be true. She glanced at her friends and saw them began to leave. She was standing as a statue, saying nothing and not moving. Then, she heard David whispering her ear.

“Told you this curse will come for you.”

Sidney looked back and saw no one behind her. She walked upstairs to her room. She went under her bed and got her secret box. She opened and looks back at her pictures. She glanced at her other children’s baby pictures. They look like Jessica and Harry, but some of them have brown and blue hair. She began to cry by thinking about her past. Why she have many children with many men? Why this curse is coming to get her? Do her friends know the ending of this plot? Why Mother’s Day need to coming? Anyway, all she needs to do is sit tight and find out.


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Sat May 31, 2014 2:16 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Pinkie, Wolf here for a review. (Please excuse any grammar/spelling errors for I am on a phone.)

Now I believe this is a continuation of the other 'Sidney's Children'? If it is, why is this in the short story rather than the novel/chapter like the other one?

Some nit-picks:

Because of Harry’s talent as a comedian...

Usually starting a sentence with 'and', 'but', or 'because' is frowned upon. You can fix this easily though.
Actually, it is a part of our plan for Mother’s Day. It is our mother’s gift, so we planned it on Mother’s Day.

This is a very repetitive spot. You can probably shorten this into one sentence and make it still have the same meaning. With two sentences, however, it just seems choppy.

The first paragraph of each 'point-of-view switch' is in first person, while the rest is in third. It is a very weird switch. It's quite confusing to see that it's starting in first person and then instantly switches to third. Also, point of view is not the only thing changed here, I do notice some tense change here and there. Watch out for that.

Another thing, you say the plane was delayed, yet it left earlier? When something is delayed, it goes later, not earlier. Of anything, make them late for the plane. One can not delay a plane earlier and airport officials would not make a plane fly earlier than its supposed to. Also, why two days? Planes are usually making trips to one place at least twice a day or once every day. Maybe shorten this to only one day to wait until the next plane comes.

I do notice a lot of grammar mistakes, missing words, combined words, etc. Just go back and proofread (aloud if you have to) and check for spots where something is off I sounds sound right, it will very much improve the quality of your piece.

Now parts of this were a bit of an info-dump. The beginning especially was. We were told all of the background info, but why don't you show us instead? It would make it much more interesting.

You do a much better job with the switch of point-of-view. It's easier to tell what's happening than in the other one, which is very nice. Personally, I don't really like when there is point-of-view changes mid-chapter, because I feel it's very confusing, but here you pulled it off much better. Good Job!

Overall this was enjoyable, and it seems to be headed in a unique direction. Nice work! Keep Writing and Improving,
~Wolfare




Pinkiegirl13 says...


Hey, this is when I was a kid. Don't hurt my feeling, you mean guy! Also, my classmate like my work. I shouldn't show this on here. Go away, you meanie.



Wolfare1 says...


I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just trying to help you improve. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but please don't take it like I'm trying to put you down. Your writing has lots of potential and lots of room to improve. Don't settle at 'okay', strive to be the best!



Pinkiegirl13 says...


I was a little kid when I did this. I got my teacher to read and he liked it. I tried to publish it, but I can't.



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Thu May 29, 2014 8:35 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



'It was complete success and became number one play on the chart in London.' - 'It was a complete success'. 'became the number one play'.

'become a movieso' - fairly certain that's a typo

'Another part of other plan is seeing' - I think that should be 'Another part of our plan'

'when our plane delayed.' - 'when our plane was delayed'

'ago." explained the woman.' - this should be a comma rather than a full stop. You do this quite a lot. So long as the verb after the speech describes the speech, you use a comma.

'Jessica was so pissed and furious that she doesn’t get to see her mum again.' - this splits tenses. You have to either have 'is so pissed and furious' or 'didn't get to see'.

the last three words are doing in this sentence. I honestly don't think they're necessary.

'you know that two day will be Mother’s Day.' - I would change this to 'you know Mother's Day is in two days'.

'But…we need to stay here for our plane arrives' - 'for when our plane arrives'.

'“Just want to our mum’s face…with happiness and proud.” sodded Jessica' - 'I just want to see Mum's face ... with happiness and pride," sobbed Jessica.'

'call mum for tell her Mother’s Day' - take out the 'tell'.

'yelled Sidney in angrily.' - you don't need the 'in'.

'reclaimed David.' - 'exclaimed'

'back here to make my smile.”' - 'me' instead of 'my'.

'Why she have many children with many men? Why this curse is coming to get her?' - add a 'did' after the first Why and an 'is' after the second.

Okay, I'm not sure I understand why this is a short story. I really want to find out what happens next so I'm not sure the end is really the ending of a short story. I was very surprised by all the supernatural/sci-fi mentions in Sydney's point of view and it contrasted well with the normality of the first section.
Be very careful with your tenses. Either would work but make sure you stick to either past or present for the whole thing.

Well done :)





And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley