VERSE ONE:
I saw you weeping as you fled
the woodburst agony that swept you down instead.
And you ran an empty mile;
a curving path that could rival the Nile.
VERSE TWO:
And you cried as I'd never seen you cry before.
Oh, you wept on the gravel-dunes, I watched your sea roar.
Oh, you cried like the thunder of the lightning flashes
that strung me down by a crimson lake.
((And all I can do is sing.))
PRE-CHORUS:
So maybe you're worried
or maybe you're down.
Just tell me your sorrows
as we saunter through town.
CHORUS:
Let's build a scarlet marsh in the sky.
Let's teach paper butterflies to fly.
Let's nip at sorrow in the bud,
I don't know 'bout you, but I'm feeling blue
'cause the world's a constant flood.
((Oh, the world's a constant flood.))
VERSE THREE:
I'll paint your fortress a brilliant blue,
an azure that makes the sky go wild.
And together we'll stand, a sweltering sign in the sand
of sea-shell memories in a golden pile.
VERSE FOUR:
There are so many places,
so many wicked ways to hide.
The world is a trident, we're breaking through,
and every real smile is like a landslide.
((Like a landslide.))
PRE-CHORUS:
So maybe you're worried
or maybe you're down.
Just tell me your sorrows
as we saunter through town.
CHORUS:
Let's build a scarlet marsh in the sky.
Let's teach paper butterflies to fly.
Let's nip at sorrow in the bud,
I don't know 'bout you, but I'm feeling blue
'cause the world's a constant flood.
((Oh, the world's a constant flood.))
So yeah, I'm too lazy to give constructive criticism, so I'm basically going to do what TakeThatYouFiend did.
I loved the line where you said "let's teach paper butterflies to fly!!!!"
I also loved the chorus, and how perfectly it corresponded with the pre-chorus!
THOSE LINES THOSE METAPHORS THIS EPIC EPIC SONG! OMGERGOD I CANT EVEN.
Great writing. Write another good song. ENCORE!!!
Hello again Pompadour, just so you know this review is going to entirely be me shouting about my favorite sentence in this, which is....
"Let's teach paper butterflies to fly".
It conjours amazing imagery and I could just say it over and over again. ..
Any how! One bit at a time. "Paper butterflies". Amazing. Paper butterflies are not a common piece of origami, however they do sound familiar to most ears due to paper planes. This gives them a dreamlike feel,that sense of ppeculiarity and familiarity.
"Butterflies" and "teach how to fly" are both freedom symbolizations. Butterflies are stereotypically free (like birds) and flight is another freedom image.
Finally it conjours happy pictures because butterflies come out in the spring, so to think butterfly is to think, life, regeneration, happiness, sunshine, coming out of winter etc. I know not whether this was intentionally done but it certainly works subconsciously.
I wish all lines could be like this,
Take That You Fiend!
Heya!
First, since these are lyrics, no suggestions can make a piece better than music that actually fits what you're talking about and the words. It doesn't really matter how dumb lyrics are so much as the music is great. Okay, yes it does, especially because we're on a writers' site, but don't change something if it'll mess with the tune that you may or may not have picked out already.
Okay now that that's over with, I can review this like a poem XD
One thing: I think that your chorus is a bit cheesy, and I don't really like the last line at all. Maybe you could change it to "and I won't let you drown" or something. That would seem less forced too.
I think something that's making this seem not as great as it could be is that you're trying to rhyme, but you don't have a regular rhyme scheme or rhythm, and as a song, you kind of need one or both of those things so the audience can know where the phrase is going to.
Other than these things, I really love your lyrics! I love the abundant use of rich colors, and I love the theme of all these disasters! My favorite lines: (usually I don't do this but I actually have favorite lines this time)
I love this one because it speaks truth and fits with the themeand every real smile is like a landslide.
this is just a beautiful imageLet's teach paper butterflies to fly.
of sea-shell memories in a golden pile.
I really like the theme and the way you used natural disasters to describe things. This was different. Good different.
- Verse 4, Line 4: the rhythm seems a bit off. Maybe you could try less syllables in that line?
- In the Pre-Chorus, it should be "maybe YOU'RE down."
I loved these lines: "I'll paint your fortress a brilliant blue, an azure that makes the sky go wild." They were descriptive and oh-so-beautiful.
Great job,
Dark Heart
120,301 Literary Works • 649,425 Reviews
Points: 3874
Reviews: 158
Donate