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Staring at the ceiling

by Pompadour


A/N: No rhyme-scheme for this one. I wrote it on a whim so it's pretty rough, but I'd appreciate reviews nonetheless!


You told me that staring at your ceiling

Is the first sign of madness.

But would you believe me if I told you what I really saw?

I saw waterfalls,

I saw cannons fly through the air

And burn streaks through the sky.

I saw hatred, I saw despair,

I saw heartache and misery hold reign.

I saw happiness, and childish wonders

That simple words could never explain.

I saw silver streams canvassing hope,

And sadness, and grief, and love.

I saw swirling patterns carve glyphs

And fireworks drop from above.

I saw chrysanthemums, the pretty things,

Though the word is hard to pronounce.

I saw fire burn through me,

And the intensity wove me in and out.

I saw metallic auras and helium spheres

Bind the world like an endless highway.

I'm being driven along, like a flighty song

And I love travelling the grooves on my ceiling.

Who knew that blank walls could be so revealing?

I saw worlds past the folds of the altitude,

And life past the burrowing hedges of Mars.

I saw stars, I saw sparks, I saw withering hearts,

And I saw many things that leave me stranded

In a haze asking if I'm still sane.

But I think I must be,

Because I've managed to retain

The insanity only imagination can bring.

Would you believe me if I told you I saw hopes,

I'd never even dared to cross in my dreams?

Would you believe me if I told you heart-wrenching truths

That would make you cry your eyes off your face?

It isn't graceful to say, but the truth always lumbers,

And there's always a truth in all these lies you weave.

But I stare at my ceiling, and my mind wanders galaxies,

The truth of many that you'll never conceive.

Because there's so much that's unseen

In these blank faces around me.


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Sat Nov 09, 2013 4:11 am
therealme says...



Looooooove those last two lines! So true.

Because there's so much that's unseen

In these blank faces around me.




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Fri Nov 08, 2013 3:18 pm
WiteOak wrote a review...






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Thu Nov 07, 2013 10:24 pm
fortis wrote a review...



Hello~
I really like this poem. You have AMAZING and vivid imagery! It was really beautiful. I think that yes, it is a little bit clumsy, but after you go back through it a few times, It will be wonderful! I love the concept, especially when you start explaining it at the end. Pluck out that meaning, determine EXACTLY what you want to say, and make that part of this poem shine the brightest.
The only complaints I have about this are that it gets to be a bit long in the middle. I'd forgotten what the beginning of the poem had said about ceilings and I was just soaking up beautiful images. Along that point, I think if you'd had more bits in there ABOUT ceilings etc. I wouldn't have gotten so lost, and then I could imagine all this stuff being on the ceiling. (Honestly, I don't have the imagination to envision "cannons flying through the air" on a ceiling that I can't really see. Same with other images. I could, however, imagine the "glyphs" and those other things you might think of when you think of cracks and walls. The downside to using those types of things is that they might be considered a little bit cliché.) So I'd edit out any lines you deem unnecessary and add more "ceiling themed' bits.
Also, you mentioned that you didn't have a rhyme scheme, but I noticed several places where you tried to rhyme. In my opinion, either rhyme or don't. Never do half-way-in-betweens.
Great job! Keep writing!
~fortis




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Thu Nov 07, 2013 10:19 pm
Vivian wrote a review...



Hey Viv here.
You did rhyme, it gave the poem a nice flow. It's a good poem very creative and detailed. I've stared up at the ceiling about a million times before but you,ve seen more than I have. I,ve only seen faces,people,and animals but not with nearly as much color. But then they weren't really on blank walls. Still oved the poem.

Keep writing.




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Thu Nov 07, 2013 8:46 pm
ConverseFireGirl wrote a review...



Wow. This is so good, it really intrigues the reader!
I love: "I saw stars, I saw sparks, I saw withering hearts," It rhymes too, which adds more to it as well, the syllables and punctuation are perfect.
I really like how you refer back to the ceiling at the end too, which just brings the reader back to the start almost, and rounds it off. I love the way this is written though, the way you're thought and written all these things you see, it's a great idea and I love it! :D
-CFG





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