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These Places

by Pompadour


The shadows spoke of earnestness,
And memories bare and old.
The dust danced, seething in and out,
And the curtains hung lank and cold.

The glass was a frosted ice-scape,
And the hallway clock had stopped at twelve.
The darkness complained of merry dances,
Where light would no longer dwell.

Those corpses of time ticked by,
Or did time exist no more?
Grimy portraits embellished the house,
Every canvas rotten to the core.

But time went by, now all is gone,
In these places there is no dawn;
No fear, nor strife,
Nor worry, nor life,
Nor moonshine, nor ray,
But just decay.

Laughter adorned these halls once,
How long ago, I cannot tell,
You can hear the sinister tinkling,
Of a faintly whimsical bell.

Long ago memories enleaf the air;
A time when the floors were carpeted with cheer,
The chandelier now hangs, cobweb-strewn,
And from it glistens an old diamond tear.

An old toy, perhaps a train once,
Is faded, rotten wood and ply.
It cannot hoot, nor does it look,
As though it will ever try.

For time went by, now all is gone,
In some places there is no dawn.
No fear, nor strife,
Nor worry, nor life,
Nor moonshine, nor ray,
But just decay.

The floorboards dared not creak once,
But hear their racketing symphony now.
Once life was alive, 'tis no more,
And no one really knows how.

Light held reign in this house once,
But now only traces doth linger,
The must, and the soot
Take more than their loot,
So the mahogany is now ginger.

The past is a vague old mystery,
Where wonder and courage bend low,
People look down their paths,
But where they began, they don't know,
Now where they will go.

For time ticks on, soon all will be gone,
In these places there is no dawn,
No fear, nor strife,
Nor worry, nor life,
Nor moonshine, nor ray,
But just decay.


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221 Reviews


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Mon Sep 30, 2013 12:55 am
Vivian says...



Hey Viv here,your poem was mind blowing. I really loved it. It was deep and sad but a little sing songish. Your wording is great and flows smoothly,evenly portraying your sadness of the beauty lost. -_- keep writing, your good at it. Beauty will return someday,because history repeats itself.




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:59 pm
Paracosm wrote a review...



Hey Pompadour! Review time.

You can hear the sinister tinkling,
Of a faint long ago bell


This line stood out because the phrasing towards the end is weak compared to the rest of the poem. The last line needs rephrasing. It drags the rest of the poem down just a little. You might even consider cutting out the whole stanza.

It cannot hoot, nor does it look,
As though it ever will try.


Here's an instance of 'poet speak'. The word order in that last line feels like it is trying to sound dramatic. It should be phrased like common usage, 'As though it will ever try.

I enjoyed your poem. It's very well written. It has a dark feel to it, and you create an excellent atmosphere. It kind of makes me think of something I'd read in a literature class, and dissect and dissect until it's just no fun anymore. Keep up the awesome work! You are an excellent poet.




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:35 pm
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi Pompadour,Dark here with review!

I totally love this poem so much.Especially the rhythm and literature styles you use here!

#The shadows spoke of earnestness,
And memories bare and old.-->Description of the memories are so awesome!Impact is cool.
The dust danced, seething in and out,
And the curtains hung lank and cold.

But you use a free verse here,which is you need to be careful when forming this kind of poem.

The past is a vague old mystery,
Where wonder and courage bend low,
People look down their paths,
But where they began, they don't know,
Now where they will go.
For time ticks on, soon all will be gone,
In these places there is no dawn,
No fear, nor strife,
Nor worry, nor life,
Nor moonshine, nor ray,
But just decay.
-->Is it a wrong formatting here?I hope so.

Your diction is good,thus bring effects to the reader.I love the theme here.It is talks more about life (abstract words) here.I enjoyed reading your poem here.One of my favorite poem!
keep it up
kudos,cheers
dark




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:29 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hello again!

It's lovely to see you posting again, even if you're making it really hard to clear that Green Room! I have to say that long poetry is sometimes really difficult to pull off, because you have to maintain a story, a narrative, across a lot of stanzas without losing the thread.

I don't think you've maintained this narrative in the way that it needs to be done for it to be truly good. Some of this is really repetitive, and I can tell you're doing it partly on purpose - I would avoid this if you can! In a long poem you want to be able to explore different ways of expressing yourself and repetition at the moment just makes it look like filler. You don't want filler at all because then we're distracted by all the things you're not telling us. Again I want to say that you need to condense this and give us something a little more concentrated - are you sure you're saying everything you want to say as well? What's the best and most interesting way to say what you want?

Maybe you can tell that I'm a huge fan of minimalism?! Despite that, I absolutely love imagery so I can tell why you'd want to have a whole lot of it in your poetry. The only thing is that too much does get a little tired after a while, and you need some really interesting images to carry that. Think of a way to describe what you're saying that you don't think has ever been said before. Try using those descriptions in your poetry and see how the meaning and the lines change to suit your new phrases! It's so much fun, I love it.

Thanks for posting this, it's always so excellent to get yum poetry.
- Penguin.




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:27 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Pompadour! Nite here to review for Team Rouge this fine Review Day!

So overall, this is lovely. The rhyming is strong for the most part, and I love all the haunting images like the dead toy train. A couple things I'd like to point out

And the hallway clock had stopped at twelve.


I think "had" makes this line clunky. I might re-write this as "And the hallway clock stopped at twelve." That way the tense matches the preceding line.

Light held reign in this house once,
But now only traces doth linger,
The must, and the soot
Take more than their loot,
So the mahogany is now ginger.


This part felt really out of place to me. It's close to the structure of a limerick, which is usually humorous, plus it's very different from the ABAB of most of the piece. You could cut this or re-structure it.

It cannot hoot, nor does it look,
As though it ever will try.


You don't need a comma after "look". It's not necessary to have a punctuation mark at the end of every line. Think about if it makes grammatical sense. Most of your others look fine, but I'd double check.

Overall, lovely piece, just a couple minor things. Good job and keep writing! :)





Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson