Hi, marmalade!I really like your poem. It is like devided in three parts. First one is the past; some memory that gives you sentimental feelings. It is really sensitive, especially when you are romantic. The second one is like present. That metaphor that you used - really original. It is like one of the signs that you really are the poet. Making something original, that makes other people think twice and what makes them adore your poem is wonderful. The third part is mixed. Something between present and future. Your brave ambition has an argument - he is leaving and the fact that you actually put the exact number of the days is powerful. It makes the reader realize, that time always runs out and the sad thing is, that your time with him is counted.I will be looking forward for your new poems! Keep going with your works!
This is a pretty powerful poem. I know that just giving compliments doesn't help writers much, but this poem just works in its pure, simpler form. The thing about this poem is that it is very personal to me. I like the vagueness of what "July" means because while it's easy to infer that they are going away, as a reader, you can make your own personal connections. I have a very close friend who is a senior in high school and who is graduating this year. She has a girlfriend who is also graduating and they decided that at the end of summer they would break up in order to go to college. This story reminds me of them, and I can see the pain in these two characters without even knowing them. You've got a really good thing going, keep writing poems that tug on their heart strings! I just really love this poem and I apoligize for this review not being more constructive. Once again, good job.
I love this poem's potential. Hope you don't mind if I just jump right in. I felt like the "leaving in July" idea was almost blatant; it might be worth considering reworking that concept because it's in a grey space right now where it doesn't hit me in the chest the way it could. "Practice for July" is impactful; the final stanza doesn't carry that through for me.I like the idea of the second stanza but it reads unpolished. I'd personally like to see the parallel more specific and technical; I feel like STEM parallels and concepts in poetry are really poignant when they serve some alternate purpose to just meaning. What I mean by that is I like to see specific concepts and ideas used deliberately in order to elevate/alter diction & tone & all that. Right now, I'm not getting much of that. The dissection bit just feels simple. I would encourage you to evaluate what it is that you're trying to say, exactly. If it's a comment on vulnerability and accelerating intimacy (which is how I read it) then it's not the right parallel to evoke strong emotion in me.I hope I don't sound too harsh; I see you doing a lot of right things (or right in my mind, at least.) There's a framework here that I really like: you introduce the idea, elaborate through a lens, and give a final definite statement of intent. (In that way, it's almost sonnet-like; that's not my favorite form, but objectively I think it's a solid foundation and I know a lot of people like that kind of poetry so... take that for what you will.) However, I like to see stronger and more consistent parallels. With the structure and ideas you have here, I'd recommend reading some classic sonnets (I draw from Shakespeare sometimes, despite not writing in a similar form most of the time) and drawing out some analyses and making note of literary devices and intention and form. I'm not sure if the parallel between your form and a sonnet is intentional, but the execution seems kind of similar to me, if that makes sense.I think the best thing you can do for this piece and in future writing is try to embrace specificity. It seems like you're shying away from some ideas that could be really hard-hitting and that's a bit of a shame. That said, the ideas ARE there and your writing is rich with potential and that's refreshing. Again, I hope this isn't too harsh; I can be a bit blunt sometimes and I apologize if I struck a nerve or anything.Keep on writing--~Ry
Yeah this was super good. It kind of reminded me of one of those slow piano ballads with a singer who sounds very sad. From my impression the narrator was sad about leaving her lover in July. "Today can be practice for July," meaning they are going away for a short time, whereas in July they will be going away for good. Knowing this the narrator wants to spend as much time as possible with them and make every moment count. Its both happy and sad at the same time because I was glad that they liked each other, but sad that it was all temporary. The last two sentences were probably my favorite in the poem. The fact that they know exactly how many days are left tells me that they are placing a great deal of importance on that date. I think it just leaves me with a sense of finality to the whole thing so I liked that it was the last sentence.Overall great work.
This makes me sad, I'm really sorry. But this writing is absolutely beautiful.
Marmalade, I immediately get and relate to the first and third stanzas. They are simply presented, but portray the situation without straight out saying "We're going to be apart in July", you know? And the whole situation has a poetry about it that gives the narrative life -- gosh, what kind of person would refuse that request?? But the second stanza is a little weak for me. Maybe it has a deeper meaning for you or maybe others like it, but for me, it's not deeply enough tied to the characters in this narrative. I think it might be because I don't have a real sense of the characters BEING in that moment. Perhaps even changing it slightly to something like "so let me be the frog in your palm" -- something that gives that physical connection to the scene and ties it more deeply to the relationships in the first and third stanzas, if that makes sense.Otherwise, it's a nice portrayal of a heartwrenching happening. Thanks for sharing, and feel free to PM me or leave a reply here if you have any questions about my review. Hannah
Hey there marmalade! Just dropping by to leave a few thoughts. So, I like that the conflict here is clear without being too clear if that makes sense. The reader can gather from the text that the subject is leaving (or maybe dying) in July - and that there's a sense of loss and anxiety from this. A few little areas that stood out as maybe being areas to potentially look to edit:Stanza 1In the first line:
"i asked you to wait for me, just for an hour,"
Hi, marmalade It seems as though the narrator is waiting for something to come in July. Is it a marriage? The narrator's eagerness-maybe even impatience--is reverberating through this short piece and it's a very strong emotion.The stanza, "i know you like...show you my heart", didn't seem to match the flow of the poem. I feel as though the message there is, "Just look at me, my heart; I belong to you". I thought it was an unusual way to characterize the narrator's love. In my opinion, it's as though the narrator's significant other is a little possessive of the narrator. The stanza was really strong but like I said before, doesn't really flow well with the rest of the poem.Other than hat, I really enjoyed your poem and I'm looking forward to read more of your work.
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