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103 days until July

by dwyn

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Points: 83
Reviews: 4

Wed Mar 29, 2017 6:59 pm
defect wrote a review...

Hi, marmalade!
I really like your poem. It is like devided in three parts. First one is the past; some memory that gives you sentimental feelings. It is really sensitive, especially when you are romantic. The second one is like present. That metaphor that you used - really original. It is like one of the signs that you really are the poet. Making something original, that makes other people think twice and what makes them adore your poem is wonderful. The third part is mixed. Something between present and future. Your brave ambition has an argument - he is leaving and the fact that you actually put the exact number of the days is powerful. It makes the reader realize, that time always runs out and the sad thing is, that your time with him is counted.
I will be looking forward for your new poems! Keep going with your works!

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14 Reviews

Points: 52
Reviews: 14

Wed Mar 22, 2017 6:18 pm
Fabis101 wrote a review...

This is a pretty powerful poem. I know that just giving compliments doesn't help writers much, but this poem just works in its pure, simpler form. The thing about this poem is that it is very personal to me. I like the vagueness of what "July" means because while it's easy to infer that they are going away, as a reader, you can make your own personal connections. I have a very close friend who is a senior in high school and who is graduating this year. She has a girlfriend who is also graduating and they decided that at the end of summer they would break up in order to go to college. This story reminds me of them, and I can see the pain in these two characters without even knowing them. You've got a really good thing going, keep writing poems that tug on their heart strings! I just really love this poem and I apoligize for this review not being more constructive. Once again, good job.

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Points: 2188
Reviews: 41

Wed Mar 22, 2017 2:24 pm
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silverhanded wrote a review...

I love this poem's potential. Hope you don't mind if I just jump right in. :)

I felt like the "leaving in July" idea was almost blatant; it might be worth considering reworking that concept because it's in a grey space right now where it doesn't hit me in the chest the way it could. "Practice for July" is impactful; the final stanza doesn't carry that through for me.

I like the idea of the second stanza but it reads unpolished. I'd personally like to see the parallel more specific and technical; I feel like STEM parallels and concepts in poetry are really poignant when they serve some alternate purpose to just meaning. What I mean by that is I like to see specific concepts and ideas used deliberately in order to elevate/alter diction & tone & all that. Right now, I'm not getting much of that. The dissection bit just feels simple. I would encourage you to evaluate what it is that you're trying to say, exactly. If it's a comment on vulnerability and accelerating intimacy (which is how I read it) then it's not the right parallel to evoke strong emotion in me.

I hope I don't sound too harsh; I see you doing a lot of right things (or right in my mind, at least.) There's a framework here that I really like: you introduce the idea, elaborate through a lens, and give a final definite statement of intent. (In that way, it's almost sonnet-like; that's not my favorite form, but objectively I think it's a solid foundation and I know a lot of people like that kind of poetry so... take that for what you will.) However, I like to see stronger and more consistent parallels. With the structure and ideas you have here, I'd recommend reading some classic sonnets (I draw from Shakespeare sometimes, despite not writing in a similar form most of the time) and drawing out some analyses and making note of literary devices and intention and form. I'm not sure if the parallel between your form and a sonnet is intentional, but the execution seems kind of similar to me, if that makes sense.

I think the best thing you can do for this piece and in future writing is try to embrace specificity. It seems like you're shying away from some ideas that could be really hard-hitting and that's a bit of a shame. That said, the ideas ARE there and your writing is rich with potential and that's refreshing. Again, I hope this isn't too harsh; I can be a bit blunt sometimes and I apologize if I struck a nerve or anything.

Keep on writing--

dwyn says...

Thanks for the review!

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19 Reviews

Points: 49
Reviews: 19

Wed Mar 22, 2017 3:02 am
tswizzy22 wrote a review...

Yeah this was super good. It kind of reminded me of one of those slow piano ballads with a singer who sounds very sad.

From my impression the narrator was sad about leaving her lover in July. "Today can be practice for July," meaning they are going away for a short time, whereas in July they will be going away for good.

Knowing this the narrator wants to spend as much time as possible with them and make every moment count. Its both happy and sad at the same time because I was glad that they liked each other, but sad that it was all temporary.

The last two sentences were probably my favorite in the poem. The fact that they know exactly how many days are left tells me that they are placing a great deal of importance on that date. I think it just leaves me with a sense of finality to the whole thing so I liked that it was the last sentence.

Overall great work.

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214 Reviews

Points: 49
Reviews: 214

Wed Mar 22, 2017 3:01 am
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yellow says...

This makes me sad, I'm really sorry. But this writing is absolutely beautiful.

dwyn says...

Thank you so much <3

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Tue Mar 21, 2017 5:42 am
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Hannah wrote a review...

Marmalade, I immediately get and relate to the first and third stanzas. They are simply presented, but portray the situation without straight out saying "We're going to be apart in July", you know? And the whole situation has a poetry about it that gives the narrative life -- gosh, what kind of person would refuse that request??

But the second stanza is a little weak for me. Maybe it has a deeper meaning for you or maybe others like it, but for me, it's not deeply enough tied to the characters in this narrative. I think it might be because I don't have a real sense of the characters BEING in that moment. Perhaps even changing it slightly to something like "so let me be the frog in your palm" -- something that gives that physical connection to the scene and ties it more deeply to the relationships in the first and third stanzas, if that makes sense.

Otherwise, it's a nice portrayal of a heartwrenching happening. Thanks for sharing, and feel free to PM me or leave a reply here if you have any questions about my review.


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572 Reviews

Points: 30219
Reviews: 572

Tue Mar 21, 2017 5:21 am
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hey there marmalade! Just dropping by to leave a few thoughts. So, I like that the conflict here is clear without being too clear if that makes sense. The reader can gather from the text that the subject is leaving (or maybe dying) in July - and that there's a sense of loss and anxiety from this. A few little areas that stood out as maybe being areas to potentially look to edit:

Stanza 1
In the first line:

"i asked you to wait for me, just for an hour,"
I wish we knew what the speaker wanted the subject to wait for. And then I feel like the part "just for an hour" gets almost redundant with the following line. I would love if you put some figurative language in this first part - maybe personifying time? or to build up the anxiety, or to give significance to the "kicked up dirt". I also thought the last line in this stanza didn't do a whole lot, it didn't really connect with the biology/frog references, and "pouting" seems like an almost insignificant response compared to what's happening. I guess the 2nd stanza gets really dramatic, so I guess "pouting" just doesn't quite fit here for me - I'd like to see some stronger emotion here, or maybe just letting the 2nd stanza speak for the emotion of the piece. Similarly, I think it's odd that the subject is joking about something so serious... but maybe that's just their personality or real reaction to the request? Again it just seems so much less dramatic and intense than the following stanza's emotions and scene.

Stanza 2
This is a really strong concept. It's brutal, and rash, and really gives an interesting feeling to the piece. It's like the speaker is willing to engage in activity that could hurt, even kill them, for a chance at closeness and to reveal their heart/feelings/dedication to the subject. I think the language in this stanza could be brought to the next level too. The language, "look", "show", and "like" are all kind of vague and simple, compared to the scientific/dramatic context. I think there another opportunity for expanded figurative language here, or to give more insight into the subject's emotions. We understand the speaker is absolutely devoted, but what about the person they love? Is their love reciprocated? How would they react to their lover being turned into a frog and offered up for dissection? Overall, I think this was the strongest stanza.

Stanza 3
I would love another reference to dissection or frogs in your closing lines. I think that the 1st line is good here, "i don't want to take things slow" - it sort of wraps up the thoughts of the poem in a nice little package. Although I'm not sure quite what my feelings are about the last line of the piece, "because there's only 103 days until July". It doesn't really introduce anything new because this is already stated in the title. I think either the title or this line could be changed - especially in such a short poem, every line should be needed.

As far as other miscellaneous comments, I liked the choice to only capitalize the word July - this made it seem even more important and looming - so I liked that significance. Not sure what the indentation's purpose was, but I didn't find it distracting so for me that was fine too. Grammar seemed good, didn't catch any issues there. Overall, it's a nice piece and a really good twist on a relationship poem. The frog dissection metaphor is memorable and poignant. Thank you for sharing your work!


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328 Reviews

Points: 41846
Reviews: 328

Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:51 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...

Hi, marmalade :)

It seems as though the narrator is waiting for something to come in July. Is it a marriage? The narrator's eagerness-maybe even impatience--is reverberating through this short piece and it's a very strong emotion.

The stanza, "i know you you my heart", didn't seem to match the flow of the poem. I feel as though the message there is, "Just look at me, my heart; I belong to you". I thought it was an unusual way to characterize the narrator's love. In my opinion, it's as though the narrator's significant other is a little possessive of the narrator. The stanza was really strong but like I said before, doesn't really flow well with the rest of the poem.

Other than hat, I really enjoyed your poem and I'm looking forward to read more of your work.

Princess Ink

dwyn says...

Thanks for the review. He's leaving in July.

We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind