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138,113 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I love this! great
Steam1244 here to give you a review! This was extremely beautiful! I have nothing to say, I mean, WOW! There is nothing you need to touch in my opinion, but again that is just my opinion. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!
Keep Writing!
this 100% has the sevro seal of approval
OMG YOU'RE ONLINE and thankkk yoouuuu (i just edited it a tad so it has less repetition. do you like this version better?)
yesss the flow is now on point
the end gets me every time <3
yaayyyy
i can't believe you're online o.o i haven't talked to you or savannah really since the beginning of march (for you it's been even longer!)
yeah I haven't really had time lately for online stuff ):
Hi there, Prim!
The imagery is what hits home for me. You get me going at the beginning with a poignant metaphor. The body -> baggage and thoughts -> contents analogies are super strong. They're a solid foundation for the rest of your poem. They're believable, but they don't punch straight to the face. On a subtler level, you strike a personal chord with me. You keep up the traveling metaphor for a few more lines until you switch to a solar theme (which, still, packs power and boosts effectivity). I'm definitely digging your personification of the sun and moon.
Where you lose me a little is with the repetition. [Throughout the poem, the narrator takes an out-of-body perspective. She reflects on her past. Turning over her thoughts, sifting through memories. A nostalgic process. If I had to guess, she's really guilty about something. Maybe how she left things with this "you" guy.] < That's kind of the dissenting opinion, I guess, because a case could technically be made for keeping the repetition. The human thought process itself is pretty repetitive, especially when regret's involved. But how it's used here doesn't do it for me. The "instead of you" trips me up. Not sure exactly why.
Other than that, the emotions are real, and you have a knack for putting them into words. I'm impressed. Excited to see future work from you.
-JC
Hey, primadonna! Scythe here to do a quick review
This was beautiful, I loved the imagery and the raw emotion—it seemed almost real. The portrayal of the person and their emotions was just perfect!
My interpretation may be wrong, but I think I should share it as a reviewer. I read this as the woman (presumably) coming to the realisation that her love wasn't as real as it should have been; her lover abandoned her, she was saddened but chose to move on from the heart-break, instead falling in love with running away from her problems and deciding to side with actors; a way to pretend.
Here is how I came to that conclusion:
This is where I formed the idea of her becoming a runaway; the way you describe her being "between" suggests that Portland is her goal. San Francisco was her past, Portland her future.
From this, I imagined her "carrying" her grief. Grief is a heavy burden to bear and can be described as "baggage" in some cases, so it made sense for that conclusion.
The way the lines are worded clearly suggest two other presences, but rather than being positive, it's a negative appearance. "i don't blame him", this person has created a rift and it has a connection with a third person. Based on the genre of the poem (romance), I believe that this "him" is her lover and he's cheated on her with another woman (or man). The line "the sun that rose this morning" is a way of symbolising her realisation of what happened and thus beginning her journey onto moving on, which is why she is described running away.
However, because of what happened, she chose to hide her emotions, never daring to connect with a relationship again; "like the actors falling behind the curtain".
In terms of grammar, there was no major issues, but I would like to question why you haven't used capitals for the beginning of the lines. It doesn't appear to have any significance to the poem, it just looks tardy.
Good job! I liked this
- ScytheMeister
Thanks for the review. Actually, it's about a girl leaving her lover for her dreams of travel. The baggage she carries is the guilt.
Oh, sorry!
If you don't mind me asking, what is the meaning of this section,
It sounds almost like betrayal from her lover which is where my theory stemmed from. I guess that is not the case? Can I ask what the meaning is, if you don't mind
Gosh, I love this.
This is self-discovery. This is the realization that true love doesn't necessarily need to be a result of one's relationship with a person -- this is the portrayal of how love can go beyond that.
For the first two lines, I suggest you to remove 'in the middle' and compress them into one line. 'between San Fransisco and Portland' already implies you're in the middle of them.
I'm also a bit iffy about the part in the parenthesis (?) because having a taxi driver, a stranger, to notice such private thing is a bit unrealistic, and having the persona thought his question might be something that exists only in her mind makes the scenario less reliable to exist. I think you don't have to say the persona carries rocks because the line about how she's heavy with her thoughts has expressed sufficiently of the significance of such thoughts.
What I find beautiful in this poem is that by leaving her lover, the persona comes to appreciate bigger things around her, and those are products of nature. I love how you romanticize the sun and moon imagery and the horizons and the cities; having them put together builds a strong connection with the persona and how these things last more than the persona's lover's life. If you know what I mean. I think this is what persona thinks as 'something more' than what she already has.
Of course, there's a bitterness somewhere in the poem, and this is shown by how the lover actually wants the best for the persona, and the best thing for her, as she realizes, is not him, and this is hard truth to swallow. The last two lines make sense of the previous part about her blaming herself.
And that is all. Nothing much to criticize here. Keep up the good job!
Thank you!!
I love this poem. I felt as if I were experiencing what the narrator is. The only thing I would say is take the line about the taxi driver out of brackets.
This was really intriguing! I can actually relate to the second to last sentence. I keep running back to "where it lead." Maybe an s? I don't know. Great overall.