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Hey marms! Arc here with a review.
The poems you write are always personal, always intimate and always laced with your own brand of mild but potent pathos. Have I told you that I'm drawn to your poetry? Yep. You're good at this. Let's move on to the review now.
What we have here is a poem about two people who had something beautiful. I'm going to go beyond the literal interpretation of 'home' and also include in its definition the bond, the connection that they had, all the sweetness that they shared in this home of theirs. The first three lines immediately drew me in, the phrase kitchen filled with laughter is powerful, it evokes a lot of familiar imagery that the reader, no matter who they are, can immediately connect with. Nestled between a warm bed and a cozy fireplace, you're already making the reader feel at home.
The next few lines surprise the readers who have just put their feet up following the comfy imagery you laid out for them in the first stanza. Now we are faced with a sudden i didn't need to own you. It makes us go like 'what happened?'. But, we're okay, we catch our breath. We move on. No harm done so far.
You're playing with the mood of the poem. You're in the driver's seat and all's well. But now we're really itching for you to lay bare this conflict, to explain the cause of friction between the narrator and their loved one. We're waiting for the narrator to tell us what happened.
But, in the next two stanzas, the narrator is still beating around the bush. The unwelcomed visitors remain vague characters that are hard to make sense of. We're left to wonder why the narrator's loved one stopped coming home. The best interpretation that I can make of this part of the poem is a simple 'things got complicated between them'. But I really do wish you work some more on this part of the poem, enrich it a bit more, infuse it with some extra detail, since it is the turning point of the poem and needs to be crystalline. The last part of the poem is fine and I don't see anything terribly wrong in it.
So, to sum it up - you've done well, but you're capable of far better. There needs to be more light shed on how things got complicated between the narrator and their loved one. I think that is what you might want to work a bit more on.
I hope my suggestions are of some use to you. Keep writing and keep being the sweet marmalade that you are.
Best,
Arc.
thanks arc!
I am very impressed by this poem and the way it conveys a happy past followed by a dismal future with a tinge of expressed hope. It is of course a sad ending. But it is realistic since life events don't always have a happy ending. It is very well-written and has a final blockbuster ending. Love the assonance in willow wallpapered walls
My understanding:
The man is described as always returning home until dust collected and strangers began scurrying inside the walls. This might be understood as the speaker saying that the woman was to blame for permitting the house to deteriorate.
But I don't think that's the correct interpretation. The speaker seems to be saying that the house no longer felt like a home because his increasing absence destroyed the cozy environment that they had both once created.
That having been said, here are some suggestions:
The expression "infinitely empty" instead of "indefinitely empty".
"Within its willow wallpapered walls" seems better and more logical.
Remove the apostrophe from "ït's" in "it's willow....""
"...arrive in the evening...." "....didn't return at all" avoid the repetition of the word "home".
thanks for the review
Hey marms !!
This is Eros here with a review for you !!
Begining with the title... The title suits the poem very much. I was captivated by the short and sweet title, and that's why I am here writing a review, for this beautiful poem of yours...
Now to the content.
The content of the poem has a very deep meaning. It has actually two effects blended into each other so beautifully that it can not be described using these 26 alphabets.
The first part of the poem is happy and everything is going very well and pretty romantic... Like the warm bed, welcoming with a. Cheerful smile and all... A little romantic touch to the poem.
Then the second half gets sad... This part doesn't seem sudden or anything like that... It comes with a smooth touch... And the way you have described the feels... Stirred my heart.
I really have no other words to write about it in words in my review...
The choice of words is also very proper... Construction of sentences is also very good...and what else...
I can just say that it was a GREAT work !
The feels are described wonderfully...
Keep writing,
For we want to keep reading such awesome works !
Have a nice day/night !
thanks!