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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi marms! I enjoyed reading this poem, and I have just a few notes to cover.
First,
this feels kind of longish and wordy, so maybe you could say "without each other's company".
Second,
did you purposely leave out the 'i' (bolded)? Also, I was a little confused at first when I read the "cast off back to you" part, though I'm not sure what to suggest for that, since it might have just been me.
And that's all I have, since I'm not really a poetry expert! Keep at it, and I hope this helped!
~Lael
Hey marms.
So I'm quite surprised there hasn't been any reviews here yet. I'll change that though
This poem, I feel, is about some kind of nostalgic regret. It's talking about some kind of slow breakup between two people and the narrator wishing they could get back together. Sometimes people can get estranged from each other by just little things, and then later regret it. But it also reminds me of what happens when two childhood friends slowly grow up, become different, and part ways. So overall, it also talks about two people drifting far apart.
Looking at it stanza by stanza I feel as if the first is the weakest, especially the line "and laughter didn't feel the same". But the first line "i want to believe is one of my favorites in the poem. The narrator wants--wants so much--to believe in something that isn't really true, and the emotions veiled underneath the simplicity are achingly powerful. Perhaps this could play out as an underlying motif for the poem. Food for thought.
The last line of the second stanza is a little wordy in my opinion, and I suggest some brevity there. Another critique I have is that the third stanza is mostly "I do this. I do that." While trying to create interesting clauses and all might mess up the stanza, I do want to point it out because whether it's prose or poetry, repeating kind of structures end up stale. I really like the hopeful open ending, though. It's as if the narrator is wondering and wishing if "you" were looking for them.
That's all I've got. PM me if you want to discuss, and I hope I helped!
I have a little bit disagreement with the tone, but nah, it's good enough to cover that.