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139,604 Literary Works • 672,617 Reviews
Hi marms, Becca here for a quick review.
One of the reasons I liked this poem was for the extended metaphor you used throughout. I like how the speaker's brokenness is portrayed through the shells. I particularly liked the image and meaning behind, "harsh waves," "soft sea foam," and "sandcastle."
I thought the last stanza was effective because of its use of parallel structure.
The one note I have is that the second line might make more sense if it read, "aren't as romantic as i once."
Hope to read more of your writing!
Let's see here. I'll try my best!
"Long walks along the beach
Isn't as romantic as I once
Thought it was"
First, let's address the issue of plurals. As I'm sure you know, walks is the plural of walk- meaning more than one walk has happened. This doesn't mesh well with the 'isnt as romantic' you begin the next line with. Consider using 'aren''t or 'are not' to correct that faux pas.
I also think the rhythm of this poem is set off by the stanza. More specifically, the lines in the stanzas. Your stanzas arent the same length throughout and it's off putting.
I do understand your message, it's lovely in and of itself.
I disagree with what myjaspercat mentioned about adding as infront of the 'small' because that too would disrupt the style. You have said 'i am small as you have made me' and the following two lines have the same wording style. If you change that one, it would stick out like a sore thumb.
Overall, I do like the message, but I don't quite flow with it, do you understand? To me, it feels choppy.
My favorite line was "no child would want to build a sand castle out of me"
Thanks
Hey there marms,
---In my opinion this was the only stanza in your poem that didn't seem to flow with the ease as all the others. I love the imagery and I wouldn't want you to change it at all, but just watch for the flow of your words because sometimes one minor thing could disrupt the entire piece.Myjaspercat here to leave you a review
First of all, this was an amazing poem. In fact I don't have much to say, which is kind of rare for me. I loved the descriptions that you used and I found that I could really engage myself into the piece. I do have a few minor suggestions though that I feel might help the flow of your poem a little.
1.)
2.) ---This one is more of a personal thing, but I would consider adding the word 'as' before small.
Other then that, I don't have any other nitpicks. The ending was strong and emotional which is always great in a poem so kudos to you there. I also love how you never capitalized 'I,' I found that to be a great technique. Anyway, good job. Good luck and continue writing.
Thank you!