Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,769 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hello there!
I usually don't review poetry since I don't consider it my strong suit, to be very honest. However, I read this poem and definitely felt myself strongly identifying with it. There's nothing too overbearing or hard-to-reach about this poem, and I find its form very satisfying and conducive to conveying the meaning to the appreciator.
Personally, I think the first half of the poem is actually the weakest, particularly the first stanza. It doesn't seem to flow as smoothly as the other stanzas and it also seems somewhat forced. I completely understand what you're trying to convey, but it falls a little flat. For example:
I think one of the reasons why this stanza just seems weaker is that I feel like I've read this type of imagery elsewhere countless times. There something so average about these expressions of loveless desolation, when really, it should not be an average feeling. I haven't a suggestion for you as what you could do otherwise. Other examples of your imagery ('melon carver', 'warm pillows', etc) are so intuitive and flow seamlessly. Is there a way you could achieve this in the stanza I've quoted above? Perhaps it is also the nature of the stanza, which seems to recount the consequences of the rebound. Either it's more fitting closer to the end, needs some tweaking, or could be done without totally (which I think is a viable option).
Overall, I love this poem and it made me cry a little, because it reminds me of many hurts I experienced when I was an older teenager. Well done.
Best,
Lav
thank you!
Hello marms! Good job on the poem .
I feel like this poem cuts as deep into your heart as the characters heart is being cut into. It was beautiful to read and I felt the emotion. I felt the pain in the words, I felt the pain in the rhythm. The spacing is interesting, and you cannot forget to capitalize "I" and any other words at the beginning of stanzas or sentences (after periods). This was essentially a bring down poem that touched and squeezed my heart. I loved the lines:
"You took everything until I was left empty
yet so full of lovelorn. My blind faithful smile
a phantom on my lips. My ocean eyes a drought."
I love these lines because they add an earthy touch to the poem and it really brought the poem together and dragged me in.
This was an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing it with the young writers society.
-EmPanda15
Tip: If someone doesn't capitalize the I's in their poem, it's usually a stylistic choice (unless there's only one or two that aren't capitalized).