i n h a l e | e x h a l e

yo

its poop guy

leggo.

Diving right in I see you have a great handle on imagery. You also don't let said imagery cloud your theme. Each line brings a certain emotion and advances this short little plot you have. I don't really get the "putting a million spaces between letters" thing, but it doesn't hurt anything so by all means.

I think the biggest problem for a lot of writers is their grasp on imagery, and while yours is good, you tend to opt for the generic predictable images. That choice isn't necessarily bad, but it makes a lot of things a little to obvious for the reader. For example:

1) "at the end of the day, i like to come home to you." except the last two words are crossed out, which says to me that the person in the poem might have recently lost someone? I don't really get the reason for this line. If you're going to add a detail such as that wouldn't it only be fair to expand on it? With detail comes actual feeling, as it is right now I can't seem to care about this specific detail. It feels thrown out there to end a line in some interesting fashion.


2) "With every inhale I take in the worries crashing against the shore of my instinct, each wave growing softer as I hold my ground."

I like this line to an extent. You describe a mechanism for coping through imagery. Awesome. However It's kind of what you'd expect when describing a breathing process. That is to say it's a little cliche. Yes you breath in silence and your anxiety slowly dissipates. We get it. Again I do like the line, but there must be a better way to say this. I couldn't recommend improvement with imagery, you've got that down. I guess you could try to edit that part specifically. Just say what you mean. Here it feels like you're trying to get at a feeling of bittersweet rest, and while you do accomplish that, it feels sugar coated and cliche.

The last four lines I have no quarrel with. They're short and aren't too straightforward. These lines are what I mean when I say you're good with imagery. They're too the point but not so much where there's no room for speculation and wonder of the images presented. It's not too sweet and it's not too bland.

Overall you got a meaning across through beautiful imagery, but perhaps it was a bit too beautiful. Like a fake rose or something. I'm really tired. I hoped this helped. Feel free to contact me if you feel there's anything i'm wrong about or if i'm just being a plain old ahole. Keep up the write stuff.

Poop guy

Hi! I'm here for a quick review!

I really liked the style choices in this piece. I think its really powerful how you crossed off "to you" to represent a change in thinking of someone. I also liked the way you spelt out inhale and exhale. It seemed like someone was breathing in that pattern and it just seems really cool. You played around with the style and Its really good.

The only thing I would do is possibly make the length a bit longer. Maybe talk about the worried more? Hope this helped a bit. Keep up the good work!

-E

It's still beautiful.

*likes one million times*