A/N: Sorry if the image is slightly off. It's two images. What you think the poem is about? How does it make you feel? And maybe to help my crippling self-esteem you can point out your favorite line ;) Eh? Maybe?
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139,604 Literary Works • 672,617 Reviews
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa. So, lets gets started!
I did not notice a single grammar or spelling mistake so that is excellent! Someone might notice something though! The poems flow was perfect, no bumpy spots or rough wording. The imagery was great as well, it being very easy to imagine a tea and tear stained paper and a worn wrinkled, old map. The over all poem I loved!
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in the first stanza you are talking about how most people don't have some sense of home, of where to go in life. They just take and steal hearts. They take and steal what matters to the most to others. Then they dwindle and fall. The second stanza is talking about how you wonder what happens when their fire dies, when they die. Will they be remembered in history for ever or for a short time? For their writing? Will they be remembered as a great person or a horrible one? The third one is talking about if what someone created, if what you created, if it will be found. If people will acknowledge you for the work and appreciate it for what it is and help you work on your skills. Will people help you where you are broken? Will they help to fix you? The fourth is talking about how we are just simply on single person, only a small part of something bigger but we all have our wonderful parts. The part of us that nearly everyone will like. Or love. The last stanza is talking about how you hope we will lose ourself in our passion, writing. How you hope we will write until our fingers are blistered and we fall asleep on our keyboards, waking up to the letter G on our forehead while our fingers aching from the furious typing the night before.
And, yes. I will gladly tell you my favorite line! I would have to go with a whole stanza, to be rather frank. That stanza would be "i pray you will lose yourself, among the ink and paper, that you will write us in stone. let it be known that we searched, we sailed, we loved, and we broke." I love that line not just because of the wording but because of its meaning. you are telling us that you hope we remember you and you us. You hope that nothing will be forgotten, the memories and the stories we have all shared.
Otherwise, I Ioved the poem, keep up the great writing and Happy Halloween! I really need to go now, Grim has some souls to collect and I ran out of hot chocolate for him!
The poem is about life, to be frank. And it's about remembering people, what they've been through, what they've done. It's about keeping history, keeping stories. The end is the narrator asking the reader to remember them and write their stories down.
Yup. That was my second guess, to be frank.
Hello marms! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
i figure,
this is so good.
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
we're all lost and lonely.
pioneer pirate people:
searching, stealing, never settling,
and when we love: we break,
and we burn like candles.
but i wonder to myself,
when our flicker dies out:
will our stories remain on the tongues
of chroniclers? will we dance
with the campfire flames? or are
we all lost among the waters, {I would have "or all we meant to be lost" but that's preference}
shipwrecks buried in the sands?
will we be discovered?
open up our covers and flip through
there! on that tea-stained, tear-stained
page! that's a heart, a specimen:
cut open, dissected, labeled.
it's shattered, but glued, taped
back together.
who will remember us, if not you?
for we {were} marooned, castaways
but you -- you are hope. a treasure
hidden within the wrinkles of a map,
within the folds of the folds of the folds.
you are tucked away.
i pray {that} you will lose yourself,
among ink and paper, that you will
write us in stone. let it be known
that we searched, we sailed,
we loved, and we broke.
The image isn't messed up on my screen, by the way.
This almost made me cry. It's so beautiful. I put my favorite line as small-caps.
It was so deep. I'm in the middle of class and got in trouble because I say "woah" randomly. Dang, it was so amazing.
Keep up the good work.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Thanks!
Not a bad poem at all!It was new and very thought-provoking which is exactly how a poem should be.
):
Saying this, I think I'll go line by line to point out the intricacies:
I've been saying in my other reviews, (I've only done a few) that, for me at least, "I"s are much better made uppercase. Both the colons, seem off, in the midst of the poem. I would have put a more abrupt period (for the first) or actually, just left the end hanging. In fact, the line 3,4,5 could be deviod of any punctuation in order to emphasize the fact that "we are all lost and always on the move" theme. The last line of this stanza felt like a sudden and confusing change of topic but in after-thought, I felt it was a good touch to the chaos that it suggests.
As for the second paragraph, I would start with a mere "But I wonder". the 'to myself' part feels a bit unnecessary. And again with the colon. You could substitute it with a comma. The enjambment is an exception technique in this case and the question are beautifully phrased. Great job!!!
I can picture the heart in the pages of the book, wonderful imagery, but I'm not quite sure what it means and it's significance. But it must just be me.(I'd love an explanation!)
I love how you are now directly addressing the reader as if to say that we are the curators. And the map part is great as well.
At the end, it great how the meaning of lost as changed to something more effective. It is not wandering-alone lost but an absorbed-in-something lost. What I dont understand is why there is writing on ink and paper and then changes to writing on stone. Great last line!
To improve your poem, (and make it better than it already is), try to look into the following(only suggestions, by the way
1. Incorporating a constant meter into the poem to show how the narrator wants to stay in the world and not escape it. Maybe a few lines (such as the first and the last) can be written a little differently.
2. Capitalizing the first word of all lines. This poem is not a carefree one, which is what is suggested by all the lowercase letters. Good syntax always makes things more appreciative to look at.
I was just curious: Who/What did you imagine your narrator to be?
I think your choice of no rhyme was good. The internal rhyme, repetition and alliteration make up for it.
So, overall, great job!!! And keep writing. I'll surely be reading your poems!