I found you in fondest fields,
Now long since tired of dancing.
In the midst of your perfection,
I dream I am a bird.
Singing your exhaled name.
But stand in mute.
In the light of your love,
I dream of drinking deep,
From your heart, revelling.
But I go parched.
In the shadows of your tears,
I dream I might be like Christ.
Taking on your suffering.
But I am like stone.
Oh supreme lover!
Let me be better than I am.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I thought this was a generally good poem, better than average, so I don't have *that* much crit, yet I did see somethings that kind of bothered me:
-I think the last line sounds a little odd. Maybe "But I stand mutely"? I don't know, but it just doesn't seem correct to me.
-This is a great ending, by the way. It's my favorite in the whole poem.
Exceptional.
good word usage, I would like more imagery though. out of greed. The poem had a relaxing feel to it. something I would like to find in a book of poetry while sitting lakeside with the sun going down.
Very cool. Content-wise, I can't say much, except to wonder who the speaker is appealing to in the last stanza.--->
Is it the object of his\her love or is the aforementioned Christ?The first stanza throws me for a loop. Why is it shorter than the others? I think, as the intro, that it should be the same as the prevailing structure. One might also ask that of the last stanza,but that one seems fine to me.
This also bothers me. Why does this line have no subject while the other fourth lines read "But I...."? I would add in a "But I..."
I think if you edit those small inconsistencies that then you will have a truly solid poem.
I really liked this, particuarly the rythm.
I'm sorry I have no criticism! I really enjoyed it!