The foreboding clouds rumble.
Mana from heaven.
Blessings long awaited.
Descend to the needy plateau.
Drip.
Splash.
Drip.
The parched earth drinks deep.
Lapping with muddy tongues.
The ancient dances worked.
The spirits appeased by our folly.
Hereby grant pardon, relief.
Crack.
Stretch.
Crack.
From the brief gulp of rain.
Springs forth life in abundance.
To feed the coming dance.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
there's never really much to say about your grammer. And unless you've reviewed time and time again and you plan on mailing this to Time magazine to be issued on the front cover, I will most likely never attempt to correct grammer. I'm purely about the message trying to get through to the reader and how well the imagery comes in to play.
You stayed on track here and it kept me in the same scene with newly added components being placed around me.
My only criticism to this is the last line because I'm a litereal "donkey" if you catch my drift.
"To feed the coming dance"
The dance comes before the rain.
Hey Kris,
I really liked the format of this poem, very intriguing, and I liked the muddy tongue part. It's a great poem.
-Dommy
how you use spacing and different placement works really well for this poem. I can almost imagine it being in a native american poem book with wispy drawings and such. its really good! dont change it.
This poem is...intriguing.
I love it's format.
And the word usage.
But, it's too unanswered.
It almost seems incomplete.
Almost no flow to it.
Next time, try more to complete your ideas than seem mysterious and intriguing.
And, remember, the format helps and catches the eye, but don't detract from the poems meaning just for the format.
Ach Kris, how's it going?
Wow- this is certainly experimental anyway. Indeed. To the max. Well, the first thing I would say is that I'm not sure this word is necessary:
I think it's a given that if clouds rumble above you there's a certain omonious atmosphere. Just a suggestion, at any cost. As for the structure, I didn't feel strongly either way about it. I do agree with Fandilocks about the good juxtaposition that it brings out, though. You're definitely thinking outside the box, and it's refreshing to read something different every now and then. Although- a word of warning. Not everyone is going to like odd formatting- so don't sell out on the lines in the hope that the structure will support it. I do think that the content is good though:
Good use of onomatopoeia.
The short, sharp sentences didn't appeal to me though. I understand that it is perhaps a poetic device to show how rain falls, slapping when it meets the ground- but I think you could equally use the sentence structure by making some lines run on to show how rain when it is fall, seems continuous and as if it will never stop. I will also make this a little easier to read, and nicer on the eye. When I read it aloud there was little flow to it.
At the start I think you could make the imagery a little darker to show how dull the world becomes when it is just about to rain. When the rain does come and at the end I think you could liken the falling rain to musical notes rising and falling, a symphony surrounding the dancers. It will relate it back to the title a little more.
But, all in all, I thought this was awesome. Those are just my suggestions.
Take it easy,
Eim
Hey, kris!
The structure is really interesting, it caught my eye immediately. The title is also pretty. Again, I can imagine you writing this. Maybe it has been raining then?
I like especially the drip, splash, drip part. It reminds me of "Little April Shower" in Bambi, but in a good way.
I don't know how it's supposed to be read, but I kind of zigzagged between the columns, if you know what I mean. And I liked this like that.
This is another good part.
I like rain, so I like this, too. Keep up!
See you around,
Demeter xx
I have to say, I'm intrigued by the format of this poem. It can actually be read as three different poems! The odd lines (or first column, as it were), the even lines (or second column), and then--as I'm assuming it's intended to be read--all of the lines together, in a cascading order.
The funny thing about this, is that I actually find the two columns more compelling separately. Together, they're just sort of a mishmash of images, but when you juxtapose them this way, you can really delve into the nuances and layers. Admittedly, it's not the most aesthetically pleasing, but that could just be the way YWS formats things like this--it's always adding awkward half-lines between, lol. But really, I think you're on to something.
As for the content--well, it's nothing no one's seen before, but you bring a freshness to some of it that's really wonderful. Some of your images verge on the blase--"Mana from heaven," "Drip / Splash / Drip"--but they're far overshadowed by the original ones--I particularly love "Lapping with muddy tongues." It's just so visceral!
I'd suggest you just look at this again, play around a little more with formatting, and experiment. Obviously you've got an innate knack for the inventive--
I thought it was very nice, but the different lined ways, is that on purpose?
Other than my question about that, your peom was very nice and caught my atention. I do believe that you should keep writing poetry.