Isn’t it funny how people can change?
Long ago caring but now estranged.
Taking no time in nailing your coffin,
Spending time as small children laughing.
Oh how did it come to be?
You promised you’d stand by me.
I hope you’re happy now you’ve chosen,
This new life of yours while I’m now frozen.
Too long now has this gulf existed,
“please leave me alone” as you insisted.
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This is a good, heartfelt poem, but a bit unorganised, Kris. To start with the rhythm is very set, which I was thinking would continue throughout the poem, except it didn't. It restricted your thoughts and it wasn't an easy read. I know we all say easy reading makes hard writing, but I think with a bit of planning out before hand you could have made it flow better. The near rhyme didn't quite get pulled off. Maybe a little looser punctuation would have helped this:
The words in an effort to cut down on description are hard to follow, and the speakers thoughts jump too far between one another. A poem like this should be a steady, following stream of thought, with well considered metaphors to join them together. I admit you've lost me in this by the third line 'Taking no time in nailing your coffin.' I really felt confused, but the image of children laughing brought it back, inducing the image of childhood friends. A bit.
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I quite like this now. It's frustrated yet gentle, and the use of 'you'd' is good because it reflects a casual comfort between friends, no matter how old. However if they've been away for so long perhaps the speaker would feel as if they have to be formal now? Just a thought of using dramatic irony somewhere in here. I think it would be great.
One tiny re-work
The comma (yes I added a big shiny comma) sort of creates a feeling of regret and a wistful, sad tone.
The first two lines would be better used if the rhyme and structure was more discrete. Make it look to the reader like the rhyme is a natural pattern of the speaker's thoughts, and they will believe it. For example, try not to force it so much
Just a bad example, but I think you catch my drift.
'Gulf existed' is superb imagery. Well done on that score. The speech at the end is bitter and put to good use. Although I would extract the 'as' to make it less formal.
Overall, I think this is great as a raw piece. A bit of polishing up and it will be brilliant. I really felt the emotion from the speaker. It has great heart and meaning.
Eimear xx
Okay. The first line of these two, while a great visual, I don't get. I mean, I kinda got it, like he/she is putting the friend in his/her past. But you wonder if there's an actual death so I would probably elaborate on the coffin picture in the next line, because...,
That fourth line is out of whack. I get it's a memory, but this poem has a rhythm and that line is just.... sudden death for it. Total rewrite, in my opinion.
I'd prolly go with "You promised that you'd stand by me" or "You promised you would stand by me." because of the fact that it helps the flow and overall rhythm of the piece
good piece overall and i like the idea you were trying to get across.
It was okay. A few things though took away from the power. When a poem is that short it has grab you by the shirt front, throw you in the nearest chair, and force you to listen. It needs to be a slap in the face of what you're trying to say. On reading this I'm like "Oh yes, that's sad..." And then my mind wanders off somewhere else.
Okay. The first line of these two, while a great visual, I don't get. I mean, I kinda got it, like he/she is putting the friend in his/her past. But you wonder if there's an actual death so I would probably elaborate on the coffin picture in the next line, because...,
That fourth line is out of whack. I get it's a memory, but this poem has a rhythm and that line is just.... sudden death for it. Total rewrite, in my opinion.
I'd prolly go with "You promised that you'd stand by me" or "You promised you would stand by me."
I really just don't like this line, actually. I can't grab the reason, so don't change it if you don't want. I know it's no help, but yeah. I just don't.
But Actually...
This was above average. Mainly the fourth line needs fixed if nothing else. It was touching and had creative wording. I just love a punch in the face, but subtility is appreciated by many. So, good job, and good luck!