I drifted here from a foreign shore,
my head a wash with forgotten lore.
Rested in the ether among the stars,
took a stumble, but fell too far.
On and on, the heavens melt,
to where no god has ever dwelt.
Pilgrim's gate! whom do you open for?
Not for me,
of this I'm sure.
As i asked you this,
once before.
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
I've been reading some of your poems, and I have to say that you're kinda hit'n miss...
This though, is on the ball! I think it's great.
The pace of the piece is spot on, and the subject matter is really interesting. To me, it it literally about an angel's decent - but it's second meaning is about striving for something too great and falling flat on your face.
Great!
Hmm, it was indeed a very powerful piece. particularly loved "Rested in the ether among the stars, ". use of imagery helps us to visualize the peaceful scene you are setting... you nailed it.
10/10-no lies, no faults, nothing to say but well done.
just a quick Q&Q, what does the pilgrim's gate refer to? Heavens pearly whites? does it imply that the angel is trying to go to earth... deep =0
This is at very nice lenght. It has a strange, but lovely topic. It caught my attention quite quickly, and I love it. Please capitalize your "I's", but this is just a minor detail of which should be corrected. I think it's very important to have correct capitalization and spelling! All in all I loved it and the way it was written.
I thought a few of the rhymes were forced, but it had a very good flow and rhythm, but a few things should have been capitalized. I liked the theme, though it seemed kind of confusing. Use more detail to describe the place. Answer more questions with more description. Give me imagery, and vivid pictures. Also, I thought that it could be longer. You have a good start but try to add on to it and I am sure it will be a great piece of work.
Josh
These were my favourite few lines. The images in this poem were wonderful, and final question was very effective. I like this a lot. =]
The poem was one of your best. I loved the imagery and how the rhymes worked together.
maybe it should be 'awash' instead of 'a wash', thats the only crit.
I love the line which stands alone, really separating it as a big question from the character. Interesting.
Its really nice, its really good how it's quite short but filled with imagery and meaning.
The only nitpicking is the capitalisation of some words, but like yours with mine, I can't find anything to critique
Keep writing,
~sday
This poem was very greatly written! I love the story it tells! You are talented and I hope to read more of your work! I also like short poems, because they tell a story without someone sitting and reading it for ten minutes. That is exactly what you did, you told a short very important story and I liked it a lot!
Yay a good poem! I really liked this! It was well written, short (for some reason I just really really like short poems, maybe it is the fact that they are easier to read and the words don't melt together in the length.), also it was cute. I may not have understood everything that was going on, but that is kind of the point of poetry, I mean if everyone understood exactly what you were saying it wouldn't be a very good poem. Poems are meant to be analized and percieved in different ways.
I really like the line:
took a stumble, but fell too far.
I like it because I feel like i do that in life a lot, take one step that sends me spiraling in a direction I don't want to go, or puts me back in a place I don't want to be. I thought this was well written and well executed. Keep writing!
(sorry I'm a bad critiquer...)
I enjoyed this so much! These lines I loved especially:
RG
"On and on, the heavens melt,
to where no god has ever dwelt"
Tiny nitpicks:
"not for me, i am sure.
As i asked you this,"
The "n", and the "i"s really should be capitalized, but if you're taking some "poetic license", then it's no big deal.
*Clicks star*
This is very nice! The rhyme is smooth, which is always good, and it makes for a polished poem. My only suggestion would be to possibly make each line longer; though the poem is fine as is, it has a surreal imagery which would be well complimented by longer lines. The rhyme adds to the fancifulness, as well.
Even if you choose not to elongate the lines, it's a beautiful poem with a unique and interesting theme. The tone is also nice...kind of melancholy, in a way. Very well done!
~River
It is an interesting theme, and done subtly enough to make me like it as well. But please please dot your 'I's in your work. It's like handing in a manuscript to a publisher wrote on cereal cardboard. People won't take you seriously if you don't take yourself seriously. That goes for proper structure and capitalization in this as well.
Best wishes,
Eimear
Mmm... Lovely! Nice length and good use of words. The only problem would be you forgot to capitalize the W in whom but that's very miner. All in all a very good poem. keep up the good work! I do wonder where you got the inspiration for this one? It's an interesting subject. I would have never come up with it
Very unique name and poem! It stood out to me and was the first poem I read on here. Again, great job and I look forward to reading more from you!
Aj~