Hm, this is gonan be through the eyes of a teenager still struggling with what and who to believe, okay? So if I say I dont understand something, it may just be me being extremely dense.
First thing I ever look at in a poem is this structre; I don't know why, it just always draws me to it, straight away. I liked how you set it out, in the short stanza's although I'm not a big fan of those that continue for eight or nine. Perhaps cutting down the poem would do it some justice, but this is meerly just a suggestion rather that a tip for improving.
"You are the ship - that sours upon your waves," These lines, I think you made a typo. Although sours/[i] would work, I think you should try something along the line of [i]soars although that is used pretty often. Tricky...
You used words that were unfathomable to me and just made the wohle stanza they were in disolve in my brain because I couldn't understand it. This is my own desity, but perhaps tone it down a little? You worked well with your flowand rhythm and they remained pretty consistant all the way through, so good job.
Happy writing!
Points: 890
Reviews: 29
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