Figures crowed my tear swollen eyes.
Everyone in my life whom I've loved;
all the enemies that I still despise.
Every now and then,
when I have the time.
I think of you all.
Sweet memories,
sublime.
Figures who furnish my day dream.
You've never left me despite the space;
I could never disbanded our team.
As I close my eyes,
ready to start my sleep.
Bandits in the night,
and in you creep.
Malign.
...Let me forget you.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
UMMMMMMMMMMMMM i actually liked your poem...alot....i think that it could possibly turn into something more and yes parts of it were confusing ( big words >.<) But in all other words your poem was really sweet...i liked it alot i hope to see that your write more off of this,,,
oh yea here is what i thought it was about
You were stuck day dreaming about your past lover and friends and they were all good memories but then they turned into bad memories and you wanted to forget them....that last line was a wonderful closing
thanks,
meghan
Um...wow. The reviewers above were unneccessarily harsh. And I think they missed the point entirely. The way I'm reading it, it appears to be about the memories, both good and bad, of people in your past. Which is kind of cool, but the poem as it stands is pretty vague.
I'd suggest narrowing your focus to one person or a specific group. That way, you could give us more details about the memories and perhaps even weave a story into this. That way, the reader would actually care more about your memories.
Not horrible, but it could be stronger if you narrowed the focus and included more specific imagery. Keep writing!
ew. not only do i dislike the way you executed this poem, i dislike the entire premise behind it. heh, once again, i find myself agreeing with galerius and errtu2. god, if this sparks a forum war, i'm gonna axe somebody.
"This is gawdawful"- Ernest Hemingway
What did they crow? the harsh laments of a lover stabbed through the proverbial heart? the faceless mask of the world that paints itself a new smile every time you see it? explain, dont just leave me hanging off a pretentious image like you have.
the second line is too wordy and is just...explanation, it doesnt reflect anything past a desire to get basic and brute information out to the world. not preferable.
ew, i don't even want to critique this section line-by-line. its so sickly sweet that i could barely finish the stanza. love...thinking of your lover all the time...sweet memories...all the cliches in the world come to this stanza and have a big party.
i see what your trying to do and it isn't working out for you, sorry. tearing the reader from such a lovely description of your lover and then trying to show your lover as stubborn and cruel (just because he exists) is something that i would expect from a B-rated syrupy movie, not a true poem. you need to go over and redo this whole section.
yeah, we kinda got that already. this is unnecessary repetition.
come on, you can do better than this...or maybe you cant, I dont know. what i do know is that this is a skeletal, basic bones version of some cheap romance. if you really want to inject feeling, surprise the audience, include specific events, describe how your lover looks and how you imagine his personality looks (is it an angel or shadow, or does it switch between both?). better luck next time.