As long as you’re next to me, I’ll always feel warm;
Even now in the mist of this terrible storm.
Your body would meet with mine, in innocent touch,
You’d kiss the back of my neck, but not too much.
Your sobering embrace, says that the world is well,
Brightening the skies, no matter how grim or fell.
Softer than babe’s breathe, you whisper in my ear,
How powerful your word must be, to dispel all fear.
Cast adrift am I now, to be without you – alone.
I might as well be a refugee, without hearth or home.
The cold winds come to me now, without your shelter,
With great will they throw my world helter-skelter.
Torrents of raindrops catch the moon and glitter,
Lying here alone makes all of nature’s romances bitter.
Thunder cracks and rumbles into the night beyond,
I’ll not flinch, an inch – as long I believe in our bond.
Turning to the bedside to look at the time,
I then suddenly notice something malign.
The portrait of us sat together in Venice,
Has been defiled – removed of your face.
The water seeping in through the window,
Melted the picture and left you a shadow.
Checking back at the clock by my side,
I’m counting the minutes ‘till you arrive.
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"Even now in the mist of this terrible storm."
I don't think you need a period here, it kind of stopped the flow. I think a comma is better suited, as this is a very nice stanza.
I agree with the critique on the word fell, every thing is flowing nicely until that word, what about no matter how grim or gloom? or something of that nature.
"How powerful your word must be, to dispel all fear"
This is great!
"Lying here alone makes all of nature’s romances bitter."
This is great!
"together in Venice,"
The comma seemed awkward here.
This is an extremely well-written poem. Kind of gave me a nostalgic feel of the old time poets. You should consider submitting this somewhere. A pleasure to read!
I don't think the last two comments do this poem justice! I thought this was excellent! I have no critiques but I loved it and thought it was magical and breath-taking and I think it is much greater than what the last two people give it credit for! Keep writing, I want to see more!
I like the use of imagery and the metaphors used. Good job.
There are some lovely moments though. The rain falling on the picture is a great image, and I love the line "Lying here alone makes all of nature’s romances bitter" - I just really love it. Basically, you paint a vivid picture and there's nothing really wrong with it. Maybe I'm just prejudiced. See I kind of like this but I don't normally like rhyming poems, especially ones with such obvious rhymes as this. It's more a personal thing, maybe. So when I first read it I was like.. nah I'm not really into it, but now I've read it over more times I actually like it a lot more.
The only problems:
Some of the wording distracted me, e.g and a word like "fell", because it's sort of archaic, like you just put it there because it rhymes.
I don't think you need that comma.
Or there.