A poem from a Sea-turtle.

by kris

I plunged into the current,
to see what I could find.
Swam amongst the fishies,
and left the shore behind.
Embracing the Azure,
moving with the tide.

And here I found a turtle,
his shell marked with his grind.
The surf above him rolled,
flipped him on his side.
His ancient limbs struggle,
against the roaring tide.

I swam up right beside him,
and looked him in the eye.
His lids began to jitter,
and expression almost Ry.
Then his beak motioned,
with this he said to I.

"Come with me to lands unknown;
with seas of different shades.
When the sun breaks through it glistens,
with jewels of many grades.
Let's explore the ocean of our soul,
let's see how your body's made."

His message did betwixt me,
with ends I need to tie.
The turtle - hurtled off,
keep up; I couldn't try.
His poem with me will stay,
Until the day I die.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
Jon
Review
Jon wrote a review · Sat Dec 06, 2008 4:19 am

Let's explore the ocean of our soul,


I think it would sound better, and help with the flow if it was, "Let's explore the ocean's soul."


I really liked this, it was really nice to read and it had an enjoyability that i don't find often.

Good work.


---Jon---
:D

User avatar
J.C. Belding
Comment

This has some real charm to it. Great story telling!

User avatar
lakegirls
Comment

Hi,
I liked it. It was cute. My friend will die when she sees this. She is obsessed with turtles. :)

Love,
N

User avatar
kris
Comment

Ty :D

Anyone else willing to offer some opinion on my poem?
x

User avatar
Princess
Review

Hey kris! This is another one of your greatest poems! I really enjoyed this one.

Flipped him on his side.

The "F" should be lowercase

The his beak motioned,


I suppose you meant instead of 'The' you meant 'Then' you must fix that. Also, this line is a syllable shorter than the rest. You must fix that also.

Until the day I day.[/quote
I'm guessing that you meant "Until the day I die" Fix that too.

Other then those little mistakes, i thought this poem was ingenious!
Come with me to lands unknown;
with seas of different shades.
When the sun breaks through it glistens,
with jewels of many grades.
Let's explore the ocean of our soul,
let's see how your body's made."


I loved this stanza! It was absolutely beautiful.

User avatar
kris
Comment

Hey... Can anyody help? :/



Sometimes even shooting stars find wishes that miss their marks.
— TryHardNinja