Hey, yo, Dogsrule5! Strangejan Stevens here on this wonderful Friday afternoon and I have a review for you!
If I say something offensive, bad, rubs you the wrong way or anything bla bla bla etc., know that I'm not doing it intentionally. I don't hate you or the work. I just found things that could be improved upon. Is that cool? Cool.
I didn't really like this. There is a lot that could be improved. My biggest problem is that it went the simplistic route. It went for cliches, genericness, and brought nothing new to the table. I apologize if that's rude, but I feel that this has a lot of potential to be even better. You just have to work around the weaknesses. Let's get into this, shall we?
Sometimes I feel not wanted.
Sometimes I feel not loved.
Even when I know I am.
Now, I understand that the title of this poem is 'Sometimes I Feel'. However, that shouldn't be title because of the way the poem starts. It would sound much better if you said 'sometimes I don't feel wanted, sometimes I don't feel loved even though I am'. It not only flows much better, but it makes more sense grammar wise. Also, the second line should end with a comma and go right onto the third line. Periods complete a thought, and you add onto a completed thought. So, yeah, commas!
Sometimes I feel like the world...
Is against me.
Even when it isn't.
Now I know where the title comes from. No problems with the first line, the use of ellipses is questionable, but same thing here. The third line is a continuation of the second in the stanza, therefore there should be a comma for it to flow better, if that makes sense. Flow is important when it comes to poetry.
Sometimes I feel like my parents..
Don't love me.
I know they do, with all their heart.
The ellipses, man. It's death. The repetition becomes pointless after a while. There are better ways to show silence/hanging onto words than ellipses repeatedly.
Sometimes I feel alone.
Sometimes I feel lonely.
Aren't those the same thing? Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the previous stanzas you switched it up a tad bit. In this case, you said the same thing twice.
"Do they really love me?"
I ask myself.
Yes, I know they do.
This was funny. It's not bad, not at all, but how anti-climatic it was was humorous. There isn't an outpour of emotion throughout this whole poem. I read it as "i feel sad, but i'm not" with no emotion. Once again, not a bad thing. I just found it funny.
I have mixed feelings.
Especially when my parents yell,
Friends can't hang out.
Consistency error! The line should be like this:
'I have mixed feelings;
especially when my parents yell,
"your friends can't hang out!".
You see, when you asked yourself a question earlier in the poem, you used quotations to indicate that. In this case, you didn't. It comes off as anti-climatic, not in a good way. I recommend you look at my suggestion.
"Is it my fault?"
"I know it isn't..."
I argue with myself.
:^)
It says the same thing again to end it off, so I'm going to wrap it up.
Overall, this has potential and room to grow. The emotion, topic, formatting, they all bog it down because it doesn't feel comfortable enough. There needs to be more vulnerability and outpour that would help this poem pack a punch. But, if you do decide to look this over or write a poem similar, remember. The only thing that matters is if you have fun. If you don't have fun, neither will the audience. Negative relationship for everyone.
Keep writing and stay groovy!
... 
Points: 300
Reviews: 417
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